Even in the Eye of the Storm....

I am grateful.

I have to be.  I have no other choice because how blessed am I to be me.  I am not the best person in the world, no not by far, but I shole ain't in a foot race tying for the worse.  I am in my own right, down right amazing and today on this day I am going to allow my amazingness to surround me and hold me and love me.

Today is National Premature, Preemie, Baby Came Too Soon Day.  (When I tell you that I am so sick of all these "national days"  I just want us to go back to national just a regular ole day)  But as many of you all know, I can definitely bring awareness to preemie day but I can't be all happy and joyful about it because my preemies didn't beat the odds.  My preemies bit the dust and left me here to pick up the pieces, which for over a decade I refused to couldn't do.  Such is life.

But today I stand here...well actually I am sitting, so I sit here and tell you that I am grateful for my babies and that experience because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one tough cookie.  I am resilient.  I am able to perform under immense amount of pressure and even though I allowed the sting of the hot water situation to change me from coal into a pearl.  For that, I am grateful.

My son is slow.  Special needs.  He just doesn't get it like the others.  This frustrates me beyond words BUT my son LOVES JAH and he has a heart of gold.  He is able to see the good in those who are out to steal his soul.  He can forgive, even if he doesn't forget and he wants justice for all.  His love has no boundaries or limits based on color or religion.  He looks after the elderly and the young and tries his best to get it done.  It's not always perfect or close to being pretty but he tries his hardest and that's more than most men.  For that I am grateful.

The rain has been pouring for forty nights and forty days.  I have been out here fending, battling from the North, South, East to the West.  It seems as if when one thing gets better a gazillion things go wrong.  I know that my God is bigger than any storm.  I know that these lying men that come in his name, aren't true representatives of him even though they come bearing his name.  I am not sure how much more I can stomach of the lying and the games but I know that Jah didn't create me to be a "Yes ma'am" and to be blindly lead.  As frustrating as it is, I know that He did not leave me even when I fled.  For that I am grateful.

Sleepless nights turn into long drawn out mornings.  Deaths, disappointments, peace disturbed ~ all of these I have had my portions full.  I have been trying to write for days but couldn't find the words.  My head was on 10 trying to figure out when this onslaught would end.  But truth be told, this may just be my life and so I need to just figure out the best way to fend.  So glad to have been raise on the Southside, so glad to know how to win.  So glad to have laced up and been knocked out because it's time to rumble again. 

I know that I can take a punch.
I know that I can be knocked down and can get up again.
I know that I can stumble and want to give up, But
I know  the power that lies within

I am grateful for my insignificant life.  It isn't the best but it's a whole lot better than the worse.  I may not have a lot of things but I am so grateful for my ability to hope and try again.

"When you can see the blessings when it feels like you aren't receiving none, you demonstrate the true meaning of gratefulness."

Gotta Luv Moi , Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Just Wanna....

Sleep!

Is that too much to ask?  I mean really.  I don't like lying here until 5 in the morning and then finally closing my eyes only for the alarm to go off thirty minutes later.

I want to sleep and for whatever has turned my nights into purgatory to be resolved so that I can do so peacefully.  I mean what good was that extra hour if all I am going to do is spend it looking at the clock?

Geesh.   This insomnia is for the birds.  I am cranky.  I am tired.  I am sluggish.  I am down.  BUT....I am not out, not yet because my eyes won't stay shut.  I don't know what it is or why it is, I just know it is.  Something is bothering me and I wish I knew what it was cuz then I could use all of this awake time to try and sort through it.

It could be that folks trying to block my return.  Trying to stop me from talking to my ICE.  Lying on me and pushing my buttons daring me to go Chitown on them.  It could be that CHIRAQ has lost its everlasting mind and it almost looks like it's at the point of no return.  Since when did we start going after babies to send a message to a grown manchild?   It could be that my child will always be trapped within the confines of his childlike mind which makes him a target, preventing me from ever going back to the Chi or anywhere fast paced for that matter. 

I know I said I was good, but I ain't.  I can't comprehend why I got the slow child.  I know he slow but I don't know why he has to be slow.  Why can't I just snap my fingers and he be okay.  All these ratchet mamas out here doing nothing with their lives, smoking and drinking everyday of their pregnancies and they get normal babies.  Me, the hardest drug I have done is baking soda and I get Mr. Iaintdonothing.  Hah, that shall be his new name.

Mr. Iaindonothing gets on my last  nerves.  This week he had me at his school 4 times out of the week.  4 times on foolishness.  And yeah, I don't do foolishness.  Then them ninjas at my religious meeting want to be lying on a sistah.  I swear there is nothing more that I hate than a liar but another liar.  Then this ninja going to try and do me, ha, he must not know I will not only write society but I will call them and track down the nearest CO.  I like going to the hall cuz they have rules that are clear cut and there are folks you can holla at when someone doing something other than what the rules state you can do.  Done pissed me all the way off.

And now one of my boos had died fighting this dreadful disease called cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate those folks that try and tell you want to do to beat cancer when they have never faced it a day in their life.  I hate that I am thirsty and have nothing to drink and that I wasted $5 of my pay-me-first money on trainfare, arriving to a place a week earlier, instead of being a day late and a dollar short, I'm 7 days early and $5 short.

There are no replay buttons in life!  

I know I need to suck it up and keep it moving, but I can't cuz I can't freaking sleep.

Jesus wept.

"When the road gets bleak, that's when we need to pray the most.  It's easy to be firmly planted in desirable conditions, it's when you are in the eye of the storm that exposes how strong your roots are."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

The Best Me....

Means letting go of fears and negativity while standing in my purpose.  Yup, easier said than done, but it's doable.

It's doable!  Yes Yes Yes  and mo' Yes.  I am claiming it, not just for me but for you as well.  You can and shall walk in your purpose. 

It's amazing what happens when you change your perspective about things and how the things around you start to change, no srsly.   Ha, let me stop.

I hated my life and everyone and everything in it and around it.  I allowed Satan and his minions rob me of my joy.  His minions were folks in my family,  folks in my building, folks on my block, folks at my child's school, folks on the bus, folks in my sister circle, just folks everywhere.  These folks were trying to get me off my square, make me lose focus and for a time there, they were winning, but then I stopped and was like enough is enough.

I was sick and tired of lying in my own waste.  I was knee deep in crap and as I tried to turn around in it, I realized that most of the manure didn't even belong to me.  I was holding on to anger, rage, hurt, disappointment, despair, betrayal, sadness,etc etc that didn't even have anything to really do with me.  And for the stuff that did, why was I carrying it around like a piss soaked homeless blanket?

I mean I was mad that I was poor. 

I was mad that I was sick.

I was mad that folks didn't love me. 

But, my being mad didn't change anything.

It was time for me to put all that negativity in a dumpster and be done with it.

So, I started really consciously loving on me.  Really loving on and speaking life into me.  Now, I ain't going to lie, this was hard because I was going through a really bad breakup and I really didn't want to get up let alone boost myself up; but, it had to be done.

If I wasn't going to love on me, how was I expecting MK or anybody else to love on me?  Try as we might, it just doesn't work like this.

I started getting in the mirror and having my own pep rally.  "Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay.  She is fierce, she is funny, she has a whole lot of money.  She is sexy to the core and she doesn't keep score of who loves who the best.  She loves her life especially her kid, she loves her big ole house and the peace and quiet and the job that pays her beyond very well.   Team Luv is generous and loyal too she is happy yes so happy because her world is no longer blue.  Team Luv is here to stay, yay yay." (Don't laugh, cuz it is working)

I started reminding myself what a bad mammajamma I was.  Before I walked into situations where I knew before I had felt less than either because I knew my money was short, or folks wouldn't think I was light enough to be included in the "pretty crew,"  I told myself that I was a Queen, I was rich beyond compare, that my money ran long and that my beauty was flawless because I did wake-up like this, no fillers, contouring, makeup, concealers, this was just naturally me.  (or some variation of this)  And on the occasions that I did this, it was amazing how folks' greetings or comments would mimic some of the words I had spoke in my affirmation before joining them.

Perspective.

I started traveling with the few coins I had and being thankful in the moments that I did have.  I went to the Dominican Republic where most folks make $5 a day.  That is $150 a month.  I get more than that in foodstamps.  I mean I am poor, but buying a Coke ain't going to cause me to evaluate life goals.  I am not over here saying, now if I buy this Coke, can I still put gas in my car or buy some food to feed Snoopy aka The Child formerly known as Chucky.  And when the foodstamps run out, I still have enough coins to get him something other than flour and water to eat.   I may not be balling out like folks around me, but I ain't living on the streets selling my body for my next meal either.  To a lot of folks in these other places I have visited, I am rich.

Perspective.

I am sick but I am not wheelchair bound;  I can walk and run, even if it does cause me pain.  I am not blind;  I get to see the sun rise and set.  I do not need a tube in my stomach to eat;  I can chew and taste at will.  I can hear the whining of Snoopy without the aid of a hearing device.  I can touch and feel my love's face in-between my hands.   Thank you Jah!!!   I may not be well, but I am far from really being sick.

Perspective.

Slowly but surely, as I have implored these little changes in my life, things in and around my life have changed.  My cash flow has grown.  My health has improved.  And people's love for me has blossomed.  

My season and breakthrough is here and all I had to do was change what my mind's eye focused on!!!

"Live your life like you are already living the life of your dreams, change your perspective and focus on the positive and watch how your dreams suddenly become your reality."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Maybe I Am Better THAN YOU....

Ha!  Folks kill me when they want to justify their laziness of getting out of their own way and picking themselves up out of their own vomit and filth with:  You think you better than me?! 

They say when you know better, you do better.  But that ain't always true now is it?!?  Oh, yes, I am in love with a married man.  Trust it's no Olivia and Fitz scandal, but it's something.   And even if we hadn't been rocking, knocking the boots all night long... (go 'head and date yourself), I would still love him and what he represents for me.  But that's a story for another day, that's not the turkey I aim to fry today.

I got some great and unexpected yet welcomed news the other day.  I got a job offer!!!!!!  All glory goes to Jah who continues to bless me even in my disgraced state.  An offer, not the job because I still have to clear background and credit.  And well that scares me because long before I was unemployed and underemployed, I was depressed and in mourning.  And while I was depressed and in mourning, I stopped paying my bills.  Not because I couldn't afford to, but simply because I forgot and when I remembered, I was too angry to pay them. 

I wanted to rebel.  I wanted to lash out.  I wanted to do any and everything differently than I had before hoping to make sense of the pain...make sense of my current life events...make sense of why God had took HIS grace from me.  Yes, I have on big enough drawls to admit again that I was furious with God.  Yes, I knew that unforeseen events and occurrences happened to the best of them, but I still deep down felt that I was special.  Felt that I had suffered enough in my childhood to get a pass on all the gruesome stuff I have been witness to in my adult life.  So when I didn't, I got mad and darn near pouted my life and good credit score away.

For a decade, I barely existed.  I wasn't even a shell of what I used to be.  I barely got by.  I became angry, embittered, and depressed.  I worked menial jobs afraid to take anything else because I no longer desired to put forth energy to be great.  I no longer wanted the stress nor the responsibility of greatness.  I wanted death, not just for myself but for every and anyone that had contributed to my pain. 

That was a dark time.  But even in those dark days, I still tried to help folks by planting seeds of DIY keys to success.  And I guess because many had met me in my present lying in my own filth, forgot-to-brush-my-hair-and-teeth state, they were taken aback by my bread crumbs.  Kinda like a skinny person saying they can throw down in a kitchen, much shade will be thrown. 

Folks thought I was trying to elevate myself by stepping on their toes by pointing out the obvious.  'You look stupid sitting at the back of the bus talking about how you let umpteen guys run a train on you.  And if your mama, aunts and friends won't tell you, hunty let me be the first to tell you, that is not the reason you want to be seen on public transportation.  You never know who is sitting on that bus, train, street corner and when your paths will meet again.  The same with social media.  You should always be mindful of what you paint as a representation of yourself.'  I never once was condescending or arrogant.  I did it from a place of love because I truly believe that we should lift as we rise even if I was currently lying on my back looking at the stars reminiscing when they were my homies.

So that has kind of been the theme when I have offered words of advice, encouragement, insight, what have you to folks that I honestly wish would do better, not for me, because they don't pay not ner one of my bills or pad my pockets, but for them because I believe they deserve something better than what life has currently given them.  But when they show me that they don't want anything to do with the light, I allow them to stay blind because I don't have the time.  I was having a hard enough time trying to get myself out of my own funk of comfortableness with mediocrity to fight with someone about theirs.

The difference for me I guess was that I was aware that I wasn't living to my full potential because I had already lived it....tasted it...experienced what it was like to be a mover and shaker.  I had scaled the mountain and reached the top; I was trying to help folks who couldn't see past the tip of their nose to realize that they were standing on top of an anthill and the mountain was before them.

So fast forward to this offer.  One that I had put on my vision board some 6 months ago.  One that I had prayed about and put in the work to get.  One that I may or may not get...

Yes, let's talk about that:

So, I mentioned to an acquaintance that I had an offer from a Federal agency that I was entertaining and that while I was excited, I was also scared.  My health well, it's still not that healthy and I was hoping that it wouldn't interfere with this job if everything cleared.  I told her how I was trying to hook up my friend with the agency but she was dragging her feet with applying and how the other folks who I had told, had followed through and things were moving for them as well. 

So, after accusing me of holding out on her she lbvs tells me to not to wait on my friend but to give her the information so she could apply and in the same breath tells me that I only got the job because I am a veteran and how veterans are taking all the jobs.  Then when I tell her I didn't use my veteran preference and seldom do; she goes on another tirade on why and how I must have gotten the job. 

Le sigh

It took everything in me not to blurt out the very thing I have been so adamant against.  Maybe, I am better than everyone that applied!

That's right, I said it.  I am better. Now what?!

I mean I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived the treacherous waters, packed inhumanely on a boat, in beyond deplorable conditions only to reach land to be further humiliated.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived being beaten, whipped, chained and hanged.  I am the descendant of the best of the best of the best that survived separate but equal firebombings, Jim Crowing, Tuskegeeing,  bridge marching massacres, redlining, and poor schooling.  I am the descendant of the best my ancestors had to offer so heck to the yeah, I don't think, I know, I am better, which is why I try to do better....not just for me, but for those coming behind me.

I don't mind stepping on your toes when I try and pull your coat and let you know how to make this crazy game of life work for you too because I know that I am ALREADY elevated on the shoulders of those that came and sacrificed so much before me.  It pains me when I see folks letting opportunities within their reach get away simply because they think someone is hipping them to the game so they can feel superior. 

I told this acquaintance along with a gazillion other folks about the job fairs that I was hitting with Federal Agencies in attendance.  She like most of them chose not to attend.  I told her and a gazillion other folks about this hiring manager for the feds that was ripping up critiquing resumes, helping folks get them in USAJob tiptop shape.  I told this acquaintance about a lot of things and now I am scratching my head trying to remember one thing she has hipped me on....

"Sometimes while searching for an answer to even the playing field or justify why someone got a blessing that you think you deserve, hold up a mirror and do a little soul searching....is it that they believe that they are better than you, OR is it that YOU believe you are inferior to them.  There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for yourself and those around you.  Elevate your consciousness and start believing that you are better and watch how you start doing better"

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Really Don't Like Women....

But they are really good at giving me emotional support when Old Spice ain't treating me right.  And yes, by right, I mean spoiling me and giving me my way. 

Seriously, I used to not don't like women.  I can do without all the catty, backstabbing, gossiping, messiness, and the list goes on and on.  Maybe it's because I was the only girl sandwiched between two boys for so long.  Or maybe it's just because my tolerance level for foolishness is so low.  But whatever it is/was, I have been this way since I was kneehigh.  I gravitate to males.  It's easy, it's simple, it's less stress. 

Lol, well it USED to be less stress.  Now we got men that are just as catty and messy and that gossip and backstab more than women.  The world is definitely in a handbasket headed straight toward an inferno.
I don't know what is happening...if it is being 26 again or if women are finally catching up to where I am, but I am finding that I have let more and more of them into my inner circle, gloves and masks off... just me.


And I like it...no, I love it!!!  I love my sister friends.  I love letting my hair down and figuring out what we need to do to win.  Win at finances.  Win at family.  Win at careers.  Win at friendships.  Win at relationships.  just Win Win Win.   But most importantly, how to pick ourselves up as we perfect this art of winning.

I am finding that I love supporting and being supported by women who are trying to make it do what it do, just like me.  No pressure.  No competition.  No stress.  Just genuine love and support.  And trust me when I tell you that when women breathe life into other women, amazing things happen.

We are the mother of civilization.  Without women, there would not be a human race.  We are the first teachers.  Just think if we banded together and taught nothing but love, peace, and respect what the world would be....could be.

Right now, I have some sister friends that are helping me open up and tell my Truthz by them sharing theirs...the good the bad the ugly...and we all have ugly, no matter how we package it, shape it, or shake it...we all have skeletons, demons and fears that we need to address so that our future will be free of unnecessary mess.

My PIC  and Fizzle Mama are doing some amazing things and are on amazing journeys and I couldn't be happier because that means I too am doing some amazing things and on an amazing journey.  When they succeed and knock down walls, so do I because we on this life train together.... laughing, living and learning and hopefully we won't get put off anytime soon cuz we got a lil color to our skin.  

"Recognizing another queen's dopeness doesn't make you a princess."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Yeah I Knew it was Wrong but....

so what?!?

Naw, that's not how I really feel.  That's me trying to mask this pain.  This pain that I have been nursing for a year or so. 


It seems like just yesterday, the sight of me was lighting up his world.  Not so much any more.  Not so much at all.  It's almost like I am a distant memory and I think that is what makes it hurt like H-E-double L Oh, yeah I know I need to get a grip.  I need to shake it off.  I need to let him go.


But I can't.  No, it's not that I won't, it's that I can't.  My heart won't let me.  That pesky thing.  It keeps reminding of how LOVE felt and looked on LUV.  That glow.  That sway.  That pep in my step.  Life was on FLEEK!  (teehee, I know my PIC loves that word)  Troubles were coming at me left and right but with love I felt like Mike Tyson in his prime combined with the GOAT. I was floating like a butterflying and knocking ninjas down in 23 seconds.  I felt like I had my old mojo back.  You know the mojo I had been mourning pre-twins.  It felt like a comeback.  A resurrection.  A... ???


It was a darn lie. 


How could he love me when he already had a Mrs. so he had already chosen she and not me..... Yeah, I thought about all this in the beginning but the feeling was so strong.  I needed to feel loved.  I needed to love.  I didn't want to die and think that I was damaged goods...good enough for loving folks but not good enough to get loved on in return.


My parents did a doosy on me....I pray I am not repeating history with NotSoMuchLikeChucky.  (yeah, I have to find him a new name just as soon as he stops semi acting like a spawn)


Truth of the matter is, I love HIM.  I love him.  I love him.  I have tried to stop loving him but I still love him.  Even though it feels like he no longer loves me....still I love him.


He claims he does but that we made a choice to end it (that's not really what WE decided but hey, I knew what it was when we started, but I really didn't). 


I believe people marry the wrong people.  Look at my parents.  They stayed married for 31 years just out of spite to keep the other one miserable.  But, I should have done the honorable thing and not got involved and I wouldn't be experiencing these withdrawal pains and second guessing what I can not go back and change.


I can't keep stressing....it's gonna kill me
I can't keep eating....my boobs getting too big
I can't keep not sleeping...imma kirk out on someone
I can't keep calling...he gonna start hating me


I gotta let go... I gotta let him go ... I gotta find a way to move on from something that is oh so wrong but felt just right.

"Some paths we make impassable due to our choices, throwing caution to the wind can lead to our butts being burnt by the fire."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Grateful for My Crew

Yup, My Squad is Better Than Yours!!!!!

Wow, it's almost surreal that once again I have cheated death while so many around me checked out, lights out. (IHateCancer) And let me tell you that I definitely wouldn't have made it without my Tarajis (check the link).

I am grateful for my Sistahs that breathe life into me as these various autoimmune diseases try and suffocate me.  I am grateful for the love they show me and the understanding they have when I go ghost and be MIA for a minute because they understand that it's ME NOT THEM.... no really.

 

I am fighting for my life, I am in constant pain, I am living in poverty, sometimes I don't know if I even want to open my eyes to fight the same draining fight again. I am a single mother who even though I have seen flickers of greatness, am not sure that my child can make it in this world alone, so yes, there are many times where I just don't feel like engaging...I need all of my energy to try and keep my nose above water.

It is a hard pill to swallow.  To know that someone you love and care about isn't accessible because life is knocking them down; 

However, my crew, they for the most part are true blue.  They don't throw me any shade.  They allow me to do what I need to do to maintain and love me all the same.  Whether I am up or down, they are always around....Ready to celebrate my small successes, whether it's making it a day without being tired or finally getting in the kitchen and turning the oven back on.

They are happy simply because I am happy and because I am still here.

I almost had to kick one of my Sistahs out of the crew....

She had forgotten:

 

"Whether you are making 1,000,000 or 90gs, remember that your successes and accomplishments only mean something if you have folks that are genuinely happy for you around to help you celebrate and live it!!!  A person that can bask in the glory of another's  shine, is truly someone you want to keep on your squad." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

Deflate Gate

He built me up with his grandiose tales of true love.
About how but for those papers and the timing we could be extraordinary.
Tales of wining and dining.
Loving and sexing, giving it to me good for at least 10 good minutes.


The more he fed me, the more I ate.  The more I ate, the bigger I got.
Until one day....
Pop!


My bubble was burst.  And my twisted dreams were shattered.
It didn't matter about those papers or even about the timing.
The watch could be stuck in time for all I cared and we would still be living a lie.


Long gone were the days of being fed off his plate.
Of the daily chats and check-ins to see if I was ok
Long gone were the days of him putting out my fires
So nothing on me was remotely burned
Long gone were the days where he was excited that I existed


I told myself I would not cry....
I told myself I got what I had coming...
I told myself that I was just fine....
I told myself to hold on to the memories...
I told myself to give it time and this too shall pass


Well hell, I don't have time and don't like time,
These seconds feel like centuries have past
This hole feels like it is Blue Black
It feels like I am drowning...


It's funny how one day you can be a Hit;
and the next day you are a Miss
Makes me hesitate to call it Love
But it darn sure wasn't Lust


I hear the hissing sound of the air start to lessen
So I know the end is near
Pretty soon there will be no air left
In this doomed fairytale

"Some heartache we can avoid by simply ignoring what's in our treacherous hearts."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Surprise Ninjas......

.....I'm still alive!!!!


All glory goes to God because some of my homies, my loves, my support systems did not make it.


Cancer sucks beyond belief.  It is one of those things that doesn't take you quietly, doesn't leave you your dignity.  It will make you lose all of your religion, right after your not so common sense.


 I sometimes wish my enemies would catch it 20 times (as you can see, my Christian walk is still a walk in progress).


At least I'm moving cuz for a second I was standing idle, waiting for the shoe to drop for me.  I was tired.  I was down and the count was at 9...yeah things didn't look good for me.


My soul is uneasy right now...so many bad anniversaries around this time.  The anniversary of when my child and my life was flipped upside down.  The anniversaries of several friends gone too soon.  The anniversary of when I once again had to stare the prospect of death in the eye and say, "If I go, I'm going with grace and in Luv flare."


A year ago, my pressure was dropping quickly... the machines were going off, yet no one was coming in my room to check on me; so I pressed the call button and said, "I think y'all need to get the crash cart ready."  The nurse comes rushing in there, him looking at the machine then looking at me and then back at the machine.  "Whoa, that's not good."



"What clued you in, the loud beeping noise or the numbers?"


He look at me and stared. 


"Do I need to call my doctor or are you going to figure out what needs to take place to stop me from crashing?"  As I am texting my PIC updates on where my pressure is and what is going on... Chucky is gonna need to eat if I don't make it; I want to make sure the folks that represent my estate on his behalf make sure he's eating sirloin and lobster not whoppers and chicken rings. 

"No, I will be right back." He scurries away.


I page my doctor and tell him my pressure is dropping and that it is already in the danger zone.  I tell him what it is, he tells me that he will call me right back.  I am glad everybody thinks I got time to be waiting, them numbers already right above the 30s...come to think of it, I probably should already be going into shock seeing how my blood is at a 5.6.   But I know deep down that I cannot die today.  Or in this hospital.  For Chucky's sake, I can't....


I have to hold on.  I have to make him out to be a liar as his last words he said to me before he left last night echoed in my head, "You are going to die tomorrow, you are going to die on that surgery table!"


Well technically I had already made him out to be a liar cuz I was in my hospital room 3 hours past surgery and being on the table.  But that wouldn't matter to him, all he would know is that I went in and didn't come back out to great him like I said. 


Yeah, I had to fight...I had to get angry...I had to raise my pressure somehow, some way.


Nurse come back in with reinforcements.  They all looking at me and looking at the machine. Me, yeah I'm looking at them wondering how long before I go Dr. Jekyll on them.  They hook a bunch of things up to my IVs.  Then one of them says to me, "Your doctor called, he thinks this will work to bring your pressure up."


I start pacing.  The pain is starting to creep up on me.  I read the labels on the various bags now dripping into my IV, making sure they ain't catch me slipping.  I told them no pain meds and I knew the generic and brand names of all the good stuff they might try and sneak me.


"You want something for the pain?"  One of them asked as they are all still huddled around my monitor.


"No."


"Why not, you are in pain, it will help you rest."


"I don't need to rest, I need to fight and I don't need my pressure dropping lower than what it already is from the pain meds."  Ha, she looked surprised.  Take that and my pressure jumped a point!


I feel light enough to float which is my cue that I need lie down for a spell.  I look at the numbers on my machine.  Things don't look good...even with that point. Hmph.  I text my PIC reminding her to keep her word if the worse comes to light. 


No snakes at my funeral.


 I drift off to sleep with the crew still huddled around my monitor, looking at it and looking at me. 


This can't be living.


"Sometimes all we get is one shot, one moment, one chance.  There is no promises of tomorrow nor second chances that is why we have to make each moment count by living in that space and time that we may never get a redo on.  Love, Laugh, Live with no regrets or strings attached."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Dear Me,

I don't always get it right, no matter how hard I try.  There is so much that has affected me when it comes to giving my heart.  I know it's crazy for those who have never walked my path, but I have been so broken that I am scared to even love myself.

Wonderful things have happened since I let them balloons go up.  I created space that allowed love to seep in.  Some love I could readily accept, other, I have to push on back out...everything ain't for everybody.  I went from faking it til I make it, to walking the walk instead of talking the talk.  Not only did I feel so lady, but I looked it too.  It was illuminating from my soul with such a glow that people often stopped me on the streets to inquire about it.  It's much to be said about a love so strong that it makes it impossible to hide because every inch of your body is telling on you.  Kool-aid smiles, skips in my step, song in my voice and glowing skin, all that from just letting love in.

It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go, a feeling that made all of those other awful experiences seem so far away, a feeling that I never wanted to forget, a feeling that I wanted to commemorate just in case I never felt this way again.

Loving you was allowing me to love me.  Wanting to give you my best meant that I had to first achieve my best.  I can't give you something that I don't have.  I embarked on the journey of self-love full of hope and excitement...I had finally tasted what it felt like to stand in the light of unconditional love.  From that love, I found the strength to tackle things that had held me paralyzed in fear for months....even years.  And before I knew it, I was sitting in a tattoo parlor declaring my love for all to see... and how fitting that tat was!

Gotta Love Me before I can truly love anyone else, and trust me when I say, "I love me some ME!"

"True love can't be denied, opening your eyes to a whole new world, a brand new day.  Can't you feel it?" ~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do......Smooches

No Winners Here

Loving my borrowed boo for as long as I can, then what?  There is no happily ever after and if his other side finds out, it would be devastating for all parties involved. 

 I wish her no ill-will and didn't set out to wreck or take nothing.  I don't know much about she, more than he knows I know, but not much more.  I don't know if they were happy....I don't know if they were sad... I don't know if they were having problems...I don't know and didn't want to know.  All I knew was that I had been searching my entire life for someone to look at me like their day didn't began until they saw me.  To have a connection so strong that they knew when something was wrong without me even speaking.  To know a love that could make me forget all of the pain caused by those before him.  To be comfortably awkward in my own skin.          

I wanted to be loved the way I was currently loving on myself:  free and unapologetic. 

It wasn't a physical kind of love, it was more so an emotional kindred kind of love.  He had my heart even before I knew it was gone.  I was telling my PIC how this man I could grow old with and push him around in his wheelchair...I could build a future and not have a want or a care.  So imagine my surprise when I swallowed the fear that had swelled up in my throat and asked him what this was all about from his end...was he having a mid-life crisis,  was this something to do, was he looking to carve out notches, was he bored and feeling blue, what exactly was causing him to do the thing he was about to do....

His answer was raw and almost storybook perfect.. "I don't know, my heart's  not working...well, it's working  just not the way it's supposed to be working because everyday I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with you...I believe you are someone I could have built a future with, together."

Our souls are tied together but this isn't where either one of us belongs...it's time for us to dust ourselves off and return to our respective homes cuz the honeymoon is now over and yes, I am standing her trying to be a big girl about it, but Imma need more than these drawls....so broken-hearted.

"Some roads are better off not traveled at all."  Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

Things Got Personal....

We shouldn't had stayed for awhile....but we did.   And now I am sitting here trying to process how so many beautiful moments could be so not right.

 There were no writings on the wall to be read; we went down that rabbit hole eyes and hearts wide open, daring to walk that forbidden path.  Me believing I could handle it because my heart was really ice ice cold; he, I don't know, I can't speak for him.  There was no honor in what I did, even though these new fangled shows would lead you to believe that it's okay to bite the forbidden fruit.  It wasn't....

I remember the first time I heard the Best of Me, my whole soul smiled and my mind instantly started thinking of all the fun I had laughing and joking with the person who was unbeknownst to me, thawing my arctic heart.  The feeling I felt when his face lit up when he discovered me in a crowded room....Amazing.   The feeling I felt when he rang to check on me and Chucky (who by the way is no longer acting like the second coming of Lucifer so we will have to bless him with a new name)...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when he willingly gave me his undivided attention...Amazing.  The feeling I felt when I sat in his car for the very first time and he went through his playlist and settled on this song...sheepishly looking at me....beyond Amazing; I definitely wanted to stay for awhile.  And I wanted him to have the best me.

My heart had been so traumatized at the hands of so many, starting with the folks that brought me into this hateful world.  I didn't ever think that I would get to the point where I was truly open to love, open to being vulnerable and trusting someone with all of me, to truly stand bare, naked in front of someone again.   I never meant for this to happened.  I told myself that the connection I felt with him was because he reminded me so much of who I used to be:  caring, giving, looking out for the common man.  I told myself that the little hints I thought he was dropping were just in my head.  I told myself that I didn't want to travel down this road, not ever again.  I told myself that I had too much to lose and so did he.  I told myself that everything about him was wrong for me...

I was drawn in by the unspoken.  By how safe I felt with him.  I found myself telling him my deepest darkest secrets and fears and feeling okay with that.  I was hoping to push him away, but it only seemed to draw him in.  I knew that we could never have a happy ever after, but that didn't deter me.  I knew there was never really going to be a we, but I was still happy.  I knew that when it was all said and done, I would be by my lonesome, and still I pressed on.  It seemed so natural.  I felt so free.  Not only was I having fun loving him, I was having a blast loving me.

His love changed me.  It healed me.  It freed me.  That doesn't make what we did right; it just made it worthwhile.


"Sometimes good does come from doing bad, but the good will never outweigh the bad."  ~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do....Smooches

Lesson Not Learned...

It's been a long time since I have been here.   A long time since my mind has sat quietly enough for me to get my thoughts to stop racing.  I have been in lust and finally in love, and they both have ended up the same....

with me ALONE. 

I think May 2013 I was finally ready and able to let go of the hurt and pain I had sentenced myself to for allowing my babies to die.  For allowing myself to be raped.  For allowing myself to suffer in silence.  It's hard to come to the light when you have become darkness biggest fan, but I was finally there.  Finally able to step into the light and allow myself to move on from that spot of perpetually pain and move on from subjecting myself to people who would further punish me by mistreating me.  

I was involved with a guy who try as I might to fool myself into loving him, because everybody needed love, I could not.  There were fleeting moments but for the most part I just wanted to help him see that his parents probably got a check for him and just didn't tell him. He was nice enough on most days so I wanted to try and make it work, but as my friend quickly pointed out, this was a recipe for disaster. I could not seriously date someone that I thought was autistic so that I could fix him.  And she was right cuz on the non-most days he just wound up frustrating me with his one dimension thinking and tunnel vision as that he was the light and everyone else was wrong and in the dark.   

Letting him go was relatively easy, which was a shock because even the ones that had treated me badly, I had to go through a process to let go, not him.  I started giving him what he gave me, straight foolishness.  Not seeing texts or hearing the phone ring.  Scheduling dates that I had no intentions of keeping, and pretty soon he saw the writing on the wall and got ghost and I was good.  I was standing in the light and I knew what I deserved and he with his digging up his nose and wiping it on his pants was not it. (double ewww)

It's true what they say, when you step out of your way, a whole lot of things can happen for you.  So, despite the fact my touch of cancer had started kicking my tail, I was determined to bring my vision board into fruition... I was going to have some financial security and I was going to have love, laughter and I was going to live it up!

Well, I am not sure when it happened or really how it came about, all I know is that one day I looked up and found myself looking forward to interacting with a certain someone.  It was weird because I didn't see it coming nor did I plot, plan and maneuver things around to make it happen.  It just did when it shouldn't have.

Taboo love is said to be exciting because it is forbidden...this love was exciting because it felt comfortable...it felt old and yes it felt REAL .... yes, I am talking about that real love that makes you wake up and go to sleep smiling....the kind that makes your voice smile when you are talking to one another...I am talking the kind that you instantaneously know that you could build a future with this person...grow old and stay happy.

Yeah I had found that couple of forevers kinda love that needed to be that see you next lifetime kinda love.

What's one to do when love comes a looking for you?

"Chances, Choices, and Consequences:"  ~smooches, Gotta Luv Moi cuz I surely do