It's Not My Fault....

THAT I AM AS SCREWED UP EMOTIONALLY AS I AM.......

I have to stop blaming myself for the things that I did not have control over and even the things that I thought I did have control over. I have to stop blaming myself and stop hating myself. It is not my fault! I was just a child fighting to be heard, fighting to be seen, fighting to belong, fighting to be loved.

It is not my fault that my parents could not and did not love me. It's not my fault that my mother wanted to abort me and actually told me that she wished she had. Newsflash, I wish she had too, but she didn't so now what?!?

It's not my fault that I was raped! It's not my fault that my babies died. It's not my fault that I have lived from paycheck to paycheck and my income wasn't suitable for my child to go to a good school, a school where he would have been cherished and encouraged, and developed socially without all of the aggression, and most likely protected. It's not my fault that he was sexually assaulted. It's not my fault that I could not be there to protect him or to go oops upside that lil' boy's head.

It's not my fault that the one consistent guy in my child's life got a job in NYC and had to move away. It's not my fault that my child's sperm donor is still so stuck on trying to sniff my drawls that he is missing out on actually getting to know first hand what happens when old man retard DNA meets top shelf DNA like mine.

It's not my fault that I am so scared of affection and of being loved in an intimate relationship that I keep letting loser after loser after loser into my life. It's not my fault that I feel more comfortable with gutting you like a fish than giving you a hug.

It's not my fault that my mother allowed her own mother and sister to disrespect and belittle me simply because of my color.

It's not my fault that my father abused me physically and emotionally and thus turning me into the aggressive, I-will -put-my-foot-through-your-nose-and-have-it come -out-your-behind-if- you-step-to-me-wrong type of girl.

It's not my fault that people have failed to clearly see me......

But, it will be my fault if I continue to choose to play the powerless victim. I am a blessing. Made in God's image. I am unbreakable and unstoppable when I choose to be so. So those who choose to love me less than or not love me at all, can kick rocks, deuces, because I am too fly to continue to let them have power over me.

"This journey has been hard on me...this journey has been long...this journey is forcing me to see the blessing in being me. They say nothing worth having comes to you easily; therefore, I know that when this journey of self-love is finally over that it will have been well worth the struggle and the wait."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do