And Still I Rise....Choices

 http://i.istockimg.com/file_thumbview_approve/12624756/5/stock-photo-12624756-sparkling-number-16-xxl.jpg






Today I said my final goodbyes to my friend, my doctor.  It was bittersweet because like most of the other deaths this year, Prince, Phife, Doug it didn't have to be.....

I am not sure of what the cause of death was, but I am willing to bet my last born, that it was a heart attack.
He was overweight.  We often joked about it as his belly got more oval and there was no more letting out of his pants.  He was good with life. So happy and content with his wife and his boys.  And his bonus daughter whom he treated as his own.  He was like if something happens to me, my family will be good.  I remember wishing everyone could be doted on in the fashion that he doted on his family.  The last time we spoke was in August.  I always made my appointments in August so that I could remember to get the date of the cookout.  I scolded him more harshly this time about his weight because the loss of our dear compadre, his colleague, my former colleague, mentor and friend was still sending me into bouts of tears.  I told him I didn't care if he thought it was good for the pushing or his love weight, that I needed him to get it off because it was unhealthy and I didn't want our esteemed university to throw him a piss poor sendoff like they did the Macman.  Oh how I miss my boo more today than ever before.  He told me that we both weren't going anywhere and he would see me at the cookout.

That was August.  I didn't go to the cookout, I wasn't feeling up to it.  This is April.  I still can't believe he is dead.  I wonder if he thought he was invincible because he was a doctor.  I don't know.

At his funeral, I was already emotional, because I knew that at the stroke of midnight it would be the 16th anniversary of the first time I became a mother.  And three weeks later, the anniversary of the second time I became a mother.  But, nothing prepared me for the emotion I would feel when my most favorite doctor walked in.  I nearly lost my mind.  I had to fight back the tears as I embraced the man that restored my faith in the broken system we call life.  He looked as handsome as ever.  He was like a rockstar of sorts.  Everybody was beyond elated to see him.

I remember the last time I saw him and so did he because we were both in bad shape.  I couldn't feel my limbs and some more things and he, he was wearing stress on his face, which wasn't like him.  I remember our conversation verbatim.  I told him that he looked bad and that he needed to cash in on some of his sick leave.  I told him that I was serious that he needed to stop running himself so raggedy and worrying about everyone and take care of himself.  I told him that he needed to get some rest because in the decade plus that I had known him, he had never wore the stress on his face.  Two days later he was airlifted to another hospital with conflicting reports running through the hospital.  He had a stroke.  He had a brain aneurysm. He was near death.  blah blah blah.  I stopped going to the doctor after he got sick and left.  He tried to come back numerous times, with me scheduled in as his first patient and each time he tried, he had a setback and didn't make it.  He was the reason I didn't sue the hospital 16 years ago and the reason that I was able to successfully become a mother for the third and final time 3 years later.

So it was definitely bittersweet to see him. He listened and lived.  The other did not and died.

16 years I have been pushing....and for 16 more I will keep trying.  Life is about choices and what comes with the choices we have made.  For most of those 16 years, I decided not to live and to let depression and sadness consume me.  The result of all of that stress is why I am fighting to see another day, everyday today.

Today, because it is now past midnight, I will choose to celebrate all of the wonderful things that came out of that pain 16 years ago.  Like the friendships of some incredible doctors, two of whom have left me too soon but one that is still here showing me that if you choose wisely, you can beat the odds.

"Life is often hard and unpredictable; however, but for the flood, we wouldn't appreciate the rainbow" 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

The Tide Is Coming The Tide is Coming

If I was only so lucky to get those types of warning when the tide was rising in life.

I have been here, fighting my way out from under a riptide. 

It has been one thing after another ...back to back to back to back.

My homies are going through it.  Fathers or daddies whatever you want to call them, cuz I've only been acquainted with donors and hasbeens,  have been sending for their kids.

And when I say sending for them, I am saying with that hard knock at the door followed by 'you have been served' sending for.  Daddies who never wanted anything to do with the child in the first place.  Daddies that have been M.I.A. mentally and emotionally but now in the 2000-one six, these daddies have been hit with a wand that tells them it is time to step their game up

That would be all the daddies EXCEPT the one that shot his dana in me.  That tired bama like the entire tenure of my child's life thus far was a no call no show when I told him to come get his lying, thieving child.  I thought it was only right for me to dump my child with the person's whose traits he was exhibiting. 

This ninja stole my money and passed it out at school like it was Monopoly money for his classmates to buy chicken and fries.. no seriously... I can't pay my mortgage but it's all good cuz y'all ate good cuz "Big Money Grips" keep y'all fed with my hard earned duckets.  Then this ninja gonna tell me when they produced the evidence, a photo with him holding 2 of the one hundred dollar bills before he was about to give them away, that it wasn't him...the picture was photoshopped.

Now what I needed to do was bust him in the head to the white meat and tell him that blood running from his head wasn't real, it was a mirage.  But I didn't...I let him live because he will learn to regret the day he allowed the devil to get in his way and cross me.  Gonna tell me if I make $50 an hour I can make up all the hundreds he took in some hours.

I should have slapped all the snot out of him... yet I didn't.  I wanted to...I wanted to stomp him dead like I would have a regular ninja on the street who had stolen my bread.   And I look good in stripes and orange so I could just go ahead and seal the deal...

But he ain't worth it.

Anybody who would bite the hand that feeds clothe and goes without so they can have, is not worth it and unfortunately, that is how I treat him... I'm just counting down my sentence until I can put him out. #realtalk

In March alone, I lost five folks to cancer..back to back to back... my support system has taken tremendous blows.  And here we are in April, where it is already sink or swim through the depression.

le sigh.  I am missing my babies tremendously this year.  16.  I would have been almost free.  I am reminded how grateful I am that I got the chance to tell one of my kid's namesake how much I appreciated them last year before he checked out of here.  I miss him too.

"life isn't fair... and sometimes it isn't even worthwhile.  however we wouldn't appreciate the rainbow but for the flood." (Luv)

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

The Process of My New Life

Everything is a process.

This ain't the first time you are hearing  this.

My life was derailed when I was raped and life was left in me only to be taken away from me almost as violently as it was created.

I stood lied crawled cried slept in darkness, anger and despair for years because my ego wouldn't allow me  to reconcile that I the strong one, was weak.

I tried to bottle up all my pain and keep it inside so no one  would know that I was drowning even though everyone knew I was so far underwater that I might never break the surface again but me.

I ruin everything trying to save me.   Friendships credit relationships employment routines health

But as some of y'all remember,  I set myself free and decided to give active living a try. I  am still actively living and on most days,  I choose good over bad.

I am a vision that was once deferred and now I am a vision waiting to happen.


Everything takes time... that's one thing you can't rush

So like these dreams put on hold and temporarily destroyed,

 The visions that I see that are for me, that are God's will,  will certainly become my reality once again,

in due time

The process may not be easy but from the looks of things, it's surely gonna be worth it!

"Healing takes time as does finding your rightful place back in the universe, so enjoy the journey because the destination is but a vision that can suddenly change." 

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

When Dreams and Promises are Broken

It's a process that one has to go through before they can be made whole again.
Sometimes that process involves a lot of anger....
A lot of tears, yelling and screaming
Sometimes it involves a lot of cussing, if you the cussing type

No two episode or processes are alike, just like snowflakes; they may look the same but if you look
ever so closely, you will see that they are indeed different.

Pain has no boundaries.  Pain knows no names.   Pain will come like a thief in the night and will stay like a lover's scent.  It will wrap itself around you and embody you and try and seep down into your soul.

One of my sister-friends is in the midst of this pain.  This pain is trying to swallow her whole.  It keeps poking a finger in the hole in her heart that appears when the things in your dreams don't match up with reality.  I have traveled that road a time or two...

Haha, this is about transparency, who am I kidding, I'm still on that road.  I have my good days and my not so great days, but everyday I am making progress.  I shole ain't where I was when I started this journey.  I remember folks were trying to put me on that Sandra Bland watch.   *Le Sigh*

But I was suicidal.  Not really....but yeah a lil bit.  I wanted to sleep myself to death.  Ha and now faced with death, I don't know.   Some days I tell death and the debil to get behind me because I got things to do and people to see...and maybe even some people to do.

Other days, I'm like take me lord.  Take me before I send some folks to yah.  I be over here screaming, "I'm coming Elizabeth."

I am a walking contradiction.  An oxymoron.  I am an anomaly of sorts.  Just ask my doctors, not that they would tell you with HIPAA and all.   I am my biggest accomplishment and my greatest failure.  I am a work in progress that is still in the process of trying to pick up and put the pieces back together.

The shattered dreams of doing the right things and helping folks and paying bills on time etc etc would pan out into me having an exceptional life.  The shattered dreams of having my trust broken by someone who was supposed to care for me and our seed only to see them make moves to hurt us financially when they shole ain't ante'upin' a dollar let alone 15 cents for someone that was part of their master plan ~ not mine.

The shattered dreams of thinking love would be enough.  The broken promises of forever that turned into never. 

It's something when your world comes crashing down and you no longer have the curtains, smoke and mirrors or mask the first to hide behind.  It's something when you are laid bare in front of all who care to see your nakedness.  It's something to be judged by folks who are steadily pushing skeletons into closets, drawers, and under beds.

You can't rush mourning.  You can't rush pain.  You just have to sit with it and in time, after you let nature take its course, you will be able to gradually get up and start to pick up the pieces to your life and put them back together.

"Things will never be the same after a major fall, but that's okay because scrapes, bruises, cracks, dents and the such add character, depth, value and wisdom to the journey.  Just remember to get back up."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~ smooches

My Soul is Crying Out

and it's time for me to listen....

I have been here, trying to find the time to blog what's been running around in my head.  But one thing after another, seemed like my "do nows" would never ever end.  I was prepping for a surgery that I wound up not being able to have.  I was prepping to say my "goodbyes" just in case it was the end.  Death is real and something that I have to think about on a regular basis because I never know when this cancer bug is going to really go in.

I have loss so many loved ones and friends since my battle began.  My liver's remorse takes me under again and again.   Just today, someone told me that my "brushes with death have been plenty and why do [I ] think [I] am still here?

I don't know.  I wished I did so that I could possibly never let that event happen so I can stay here on a good day or go ahead and do it so I can take part in the eternal sleep on a bad one.

My uncle died and folks had a lot to say about how his homegoing should be but didn't want to ante' up with no dough.  Then my cousin wanted to come for me when she knows very well that unless I send for you, you should leave the sleeping lioness alone.  Talking about it was unfair for me to post about her mama on social media.  Ha, I didn't post just about her mama seeing how I used no names, but if the shoe fit, pick it up and kick yourself in butt with it cuz I am so tired of folks, whether they playing the victim or the saint.  How her mama figure my father her brother should pay for their brother's funeral by himself and she would pay him back, knowing good and well she ain't paid nobody back my entire life?  And why she think I should be the one to call and ask him especially since I ain't talked to the man since he said what he said about his grandchild not being welcomed there if he tied the knot again.  I can't I won't and I didn't.

I have learned a long time ago that people make time and spend money on things that they feel are important.  My uncle their brother uncle what have you was not important enough for them to get off not even $10 dollars to contribute to the pot.  Me, I loved my uncle.  I was his favorite and he was well my second favorite, his other brother was my heart.  I remember when our relationship changed and why and also how that changed my relationship with my father.  So our love was complicated but he loved me best when it counted the most so I did what was in my heart and used my medicine money to get him turned to ashes before he totally rotted out.

My cousin asked why did it matter so to me.  Said I didn't even speak to my grandmother who was 80 something years old and that I needed to forgive her blah blah blah.  Ha, let me tell you basically what I told her.  I have forgiven her but folks mistake forgiving with things going back to what and how they were before.  Uh-uh-uh.  That's not how forgiveness works.  Forgiveness is so I can be open and free to continue progressing in life.  If my grandmother died today, I would not go to the funeral and I would not put money in the pot but I also wouldn't be running around talking about how she was my favorite, or I was her favorite, or how she lived with me ... nope, none of that.  I wouldn't say much past, "Condolences" and I really don't care what or how anyone would feel about it because I am okay with being me.  I am very comfortable with using "No" as a complete sentence. 

"Everyone doesn't deserve a seat at your table and likewise, you shouldn't break bread with those who are only trying to feed you the scraps or the leftovers."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches

Even in the Eye of the Storm....

I am grateful.

I have to be.  I have no other choice because how blessed am I to be me.  I am not the best person in the world, no not by far, but I shole ain't in a foot race tying for the worse.  I am in my own right, down right amazing and today on this day I am going to allow my amazingness to surround me and hold me and love me.

Today is National Premature, Preemie, Baby Came Too Soon Day.  (When I tell you that I am so sick of all these "national days"  I just want us to go back to national just a regular ole day)  But as many of you all know, I can definitely bring awareness to preemie day but I can't be all happy and joyful about it because my preemies didn't beat the odds.  My preemies bit the dust and left me here to pick up the pieces, which for over a decade I refused to couldn't do.  Such is life.

But today I stand here...well actually I am sitting, so I sit here and tell you that I am grateful for my babies and that experience because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one tough cookie.  I am resilient.  I am able to perform under immense amount of pressure and even though I allowed the sting of the hot water situation to change me from coal into a pearl.  For that, I am grateful.

My son is slow.  Special needs.  He just doesn't get it like the others.  This frustrates me beyond words BUT my son LOVES JAH and he has a heart of gold.  He is able to see the good in those who are out to steal his soul.  He can forgive, even if he doesn't forget and he wants justice for all.  His love has no boundaries or limits based on color or religion.  He looks after the elderly and the young and tries his best to get it done.  It's not always perfect or close to being pretty but he tries his hardest and that's more than most men.  For that I am grateful.

The rain has been pouring for forty nights and forty days.  I have been out here fending, battling from the North, South, East to the West.  It seems as if when one thing gets better a gazillion things go wrong.  I know that my God is bigger than any storm.  I know that these lying men that come in his name, aren't true representatives of him even though they come bearing his name.  I am not sure how much more I can stomach of the lying and the games but I know that Jah didn't create me to be a "Yes ma'am" and to be blindly lead.  As frustrating as it is, I know that He did not leave me even when I fled.  For that I am grateful.

Sleepless nights turn into long drawn out mornings.  Deaths, disappointments, peace disturbed ~ all of these I have had my portions full.  I have been trying to write for days but couldn't find the words.  My head was on 10 trying to figure out when this onslaught would end.  But truth be told, this may just be my life and so I need to just figure out the best way to fend.  So glad to have been raise on the Southside, so glad to know how to win.  So glad to have laced up and been knocked out because it's time to rumble again. 

I know that I can take a punch.
I know that I can be knocked down and can get up again.
I know that I can stumble and want to give up, But
I know  the power that lies within

I am grateful for my insignificant life.  It isn't the best but it's a whole lot better than the worse.  I may not have a lot of things but I am so grateful for my ability to hope and try again.

"When you can see the blessings when it feels like you aren't receiving none, you demonstrate the true meaning of gratefulness."

Gotta Luv Moi , Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Just Wanna....

Sleep!

Is that too much to ask?  I mean really.  I don't like lying here until 5 in the morning and then finally closing my eyes only for the alarm to go off thirty minutes later.

I want to sleep and for whatever has turned my nights into purgatory to be resolved so that I can do so peacefully.  I mean what good was that extra hour if all I am going to do is spend it looking at the clock?

Geesh.   This insomnia is for the birds.  I am cranky.  I am tired.  I am sluggish.  I am down.  BUT....I am not out, not yet because my eyes won't stay shut.  I don't know what it is or why it is, I just know it is.  Something is bothering me and I wish I knew what it was cuz then I could use all of this awake time to try and sort through it.

It could be that folks trying to block my return.  Trying to stop me from talking to my ICE.  Lying on me and pushing my buttons daring me to go Chitown on them.  It could be that CHIRAQ has lost its everlasting mind and it almost looks like it's at the point of no return.  Since when did we start going after babies to send a message to a grown manchild?   It could be that my child will always be trapped within the confines of his childlike mind which makes him a target, preventing me from ever going back to the Chi or anywhere fast paced for that matter. 

I know I said I was good, but I ain't.  I can't comprehend why I got the slow child.  I know he slow but I don't know why he has to be slow.  Why can't I just snap my fingers and he be okay.  All these ratchet mamas out here doing nothing with their lives, smoking and drinking everyday of their pregnancies and they get normal babies.  Me, the hardest drug I have done is baking soda and I get Mr. Iaintdonothing.  Hah, that shall be his new name.

Mr. Iaindonothing gets on my last  nerves.  This week he had me at his school 4 times out of the week.  4 times on foolishness.  And yeah, I don't do foolishness.  Then them ninjas at my religious meeting want to be lying on a sistah.  I swear there is nothing more that I hate than a liar but another liar.  Then this ninja going to try and do me, ha, he must not know I will not only write society but I will call them and track down the nearest CO.  I like going to the hall cuz they have rules that are clear cut and there are folks you can holla at when someone doing something other than what the rules state you can do.  Done pissed me all the way off.

And now one of my boos had died fighting this dreadful disease called cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate those folks that try and tell you want to do to beat cancer when they have never faced it a day in their life.  I hate that I am thirsty and have nothing to drink and that I wasted $5 of my pay-me-first money on trainfare, arriving to a place a week earlier, instead of being a day late and a dollar short, I'm 7 days early and $5 short.

There are no replay buttons in life!  

I know I need to suck it up and keep it moving, but I can't cuz I can't freaking sleep.

Jesus wept.

"When the road gets bleak, that's when we need to pray the most.  It's easy to be firmly planted in desirable conditions, it's when you are in the eye of the storm that exposes how strong your roots are."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches