Even in the Eye of the Storm....

I am grateful.

I have to be.  I have no other choice because how blessed am I to be me.  I am not the best person in the world, no not by far, but I shole ain't in a foot race tying for the worse.  I am in my own right, down right amazing and today on this day I am going to allow my amazingness to surround me and hold me and love me.

Today is National Premature, Preemie, Baby Came Too Soon Day.  (When I tell you that I am so sick of all these "national days"  I just want us to go back to national just a regular ole day)  But as many of you all know, I can definitely bring awareness to preemie day but I can't be all happy and joyful about it because my preemies didn't beat the odds.  My preemies bit the dust and left me here to pick up the pieces, which for over a decade I refused to couldn't do.  Such is life.

But today I stand here...well actually I am sitting, so I sit here and tell you that I am grateful for my babies and that experience because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am one tough cookie.  I am resilient.  I am able to perform under immense amount of pressure and even though I allowed the sting of the hot water situation to change me from coal into a pearl.  For that, I am grateful.

My son is slow.  Special needs.  He just doesn't get it like the others.  This frustrates me beyond words BUT my son LOVES JAH and he has a heart of gold.  He is able to see the good in those who are out to steal his soul.  He can forgive, even if he doesn't forget and he wants justice for all.  His love has no boundaries or limits based on color or religion.  He looks after the elderly and the young and tries his best to get it done.  It's not always perfect or close to being pretty but he tries his hardest and that's more than most men.  For that I am grateful.

The rain has been pouring for forty nights and forty days.  I have been out here fending, battling from the North, South, East to the West.  It seems as if when one thing gets better a gazillion things go wrong.  I know that my God is bigger than any storm.  I know that these lying men that come in his name, aren't true representatives of him even though they come bearing his name.  I am not sure how much more I can stomach of the lying and the games but I know that Jah didn't create me to be a "Yes ma'am" and to be blindly lead.  As frustrating as it is, I know that He did not leave me even when I fled.  For that I am grateful.

Sleepless nights turn into long drawn out mornings.  Deaths, disappointments, peace disturbed ~ all of these I have had my portions full.  I have been trying to write for days but couldn't find the words.  My head was on 10 trying to figure out when this onslaught would end.  But truth be told, this may just be my life and so I need to just figure out the best way to fend.  So glad to have been raise on the Southside, so glad to know how to win.  So glad to have laced up and been knocked out because it's time to rumble again. 

I know that I can take a punch.
I know that I can be knocked down and can get up again.
I know that I can stumble and want to give up, But
I know  the power that lies within

I am grateful for my insignificant life.  It isn't the best but it's a whole lot better than the worse.  I may not have a lot of things but I am so grateful for my ability to hope and try again.

"When you can see the blessings when it feels like you aren't receiving none, you demonstrate the true meaning of gratefulness."

Gotta Luv Moi , Cuz I Surely Do ~ Smooches

I Just Wanna....

Sleep!

Is that too much to ask?  I mean really.  I don't like lying here until 5 in the morning and then finally closing my eyes only for the alarm to go off thirty minutes later.

I want to sleep and for whatever has turned my nights into purgatory to be resolved so that I can do so peacefully.  I mean what good was that extra hour if all I am going to do is spend it looking at the clock?

Geesh.   This insomnia is for the birds.  I am cranky.  I am tired.  I am sluggish.  I am down.  BUT....I am not out, not yet because my eyes won't stay shut.  I don't know what it is or why it is, I just know it is.  Something is bothering me and I wish I knew what it was cuz then I could use all of this awake time to try and sort through it.

It could be that folks trying to block my return.  Trying to stop me from talking to my ICE.  Lying on me and pushing my buttons daring me to go Chitown on them.  It could be that CHIRAQ has lost its everlasting mind and it almost looks like it's at the point of no return.  Since when did we start going after babies to send a message to a grown manchild?   It could be that my child will always be trapped within the confines of his childlike mind which makes him a target, preventing me from ever going back to the Chi or anywhere fast paced for that matter. 

I know I said I was good, but I ain't.  I can't comprehend why I got the slow child.  I know he slow but I don't know why he has to be slow.  Why can't I just snap my fingers and he be okay.  All these ratchet mamas out here doing nothing with their lives, smoking and drinking everyday of their pregnancies and they get normal babies.  Me, the hardest drug I have done is baking soda and I get Mr. Iaintdonothing.  Hah, that shall be his new name.

Mr. Iaindonothing gets on my last  nerves.  This week he had me at his school 4 times out of the week.  4 times on foolishness.  And yeah, I don't do foolishness.  Then them ninjas at my religious meeting want to be lying on a sistah.  I swear there is nothing more that I hate than a liar but another liar.  Then this ninja going to try and do me, ha, he must not know I will not only write society but I will call them and track down the nearest CO.  I like going to the hall cuz they have rules that are clear cut and there are folks you can holla at when someone doing something other than what the rules state you can do.  Done pissed me all the way off.

And now one of my boos had died fighting this dreadful disease called cancer.  I hate cancer.  I hate those folks that try and tell you want to do to beat cancer when they have never faced it a day in their life.  I hate that I am thirsty and have nothing to drink and that I wasted $5 of my pay-me-first money on trainfare, arriving to a place a week earlier, instead of being a day late and a dollar short, I'm 7 days early and $5 short.

There are no replay buttons in life!  

I know I need to suck it up and keep it moving, but I can't cuz I can't freaking sleep.

Jesus wept.

"When the road gets bleak, that's when we need to pray the most.  It's easy to be firmly planted in desirable conditions, it's when you are in the eye of the storm that exposes how strong your roots are."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ~Smooches