J'AIME MOI (LUVIN ME)

My Inkings on my Soul

2012-01-11T22:42:00.003-06:00

Dear Luv,

What a year we have had... with many ups and many downs but as always, with God's help you have made it through...not unscratched or unharmed but with more clarity and determination. Your growth has been amazing! You have really grabbed life by it's horns and said "looka here, I'm in this not to win it but to do more than just survive."

I am so proud of you. When the pain clouds your eyes, you don't allow it to darken your entire soul. You are making decisive choice instead of going with the flow and leaving things to chance. I applaud you for learning first hand all the good that used to be in you was not dead.

I know you feel bad about wanting and deciding to send Chucky's Bride back BUT you are an amazing woman and have done an amazing thing. You have taken care of someone else's child with no monetary assistance from them while making a little over $12 an hour, while paying a mortgage and taking care of your own child. There's no need to hold your head down low or feel bad..You are an amazing person and you have done something that many who share your own bloodline wouldn't and aren't going to do.

This year, the anniversary of the rape got you... it put you in a stupor but, it didn't stop you cuz if it had, you wouldn't be writing this #accomplishment. Don't beat yourself up over it. You may look and want to be perfect, but you are not. You are perfectly imperfect and that's okay..embrace it. There will be many other days that you fall short too. Keep pushing and keep moving out of your own way. You are doing great. You are on the right track. #giveyourselfaroundofapplause

So this year we need to work on financial stability and more self-improvement so we can "call" in the one.. and right now, the one looks so darn sexy, with such a pretty smile with well kept teeth....he has MSC's swag and Old Man Please attentive and kind spirit..he has a body like whoa and a heart like E, loving me with his entire being but loving God oh so much more. He has money like Tip ~ but not ill-ly got... and he loves me.... and he loves me... and he shows me each and everyday. He is so patient and kind... He loves me in the morning and loves me at night...He love me when I am super fly and when my face is balled up tight..He loves me when I am sick and scared and he loves me when I am healthy and daring..he loves me and he loves me right. Yes this year, you are going to continue getting yourself together so you can "call" in the one...the one who will erase all the past hurt and pain.

I know it is hard...and it is rough but don't you give up, your breakthrough is near. So very near...keep close to God and HE will keep close to you...

so continue to sort, toss, replace and repeat....it will all make sense in the morning

"Letting go and making room for infinite positive possibilities... participating in life and enjoying the moments that can create possible long-lasting memories is growing while living, learning and loving."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Holding the Key .....

2011-12-26T21:36:00.003-06:00

but giving away my heart.

What a different a year makes. It seems like a lifetime has past since I last inked my soul's cry on here. I have been writing and sorting in my head BUT most importantly, I have been living. Not living and going through the motions, but living and actually participating in the moments. I have been creating moments that allow for the memories that will last a lifetime.

I think my last straw ~ my last stand ~ my broken beyond repair point was when I cut off all of my hair. How liberating....how freeing and yes, how scary. I no longer had anything to hide behind, to shield me... I was naked and boy did I embrace it, define it, and LOVE it!!!!

To have as many heartbreaks as I have had...to suffer as much as I have...to endure and see as much as I have and yet to be able to love after all of it.....what a victory!

To go from not being able to stand more than 5 seconds in front of a mirror to being the mirror's biggest fan ~ what a blessing.

What a liberating blessing to be able to look at the reflection in the mirror, flaws and all and say "I love you and can't nothing you do or say change that cuz you are the best thing going," and mean it...each and every word.

Letting go of the hurt, of the Past, of the negativity, of the People that mean me ill, of the People that have served their purpose, of the fear, of the uncertainty, of the prejudices, of the darkness has been the hardest part. Useless Baggage that does nothing but weigh you down. We know this..I knew this but yet I humped it on my back religiously...why?!? did it validate my story, did it strengthen me...did it empower me...did it help me in anyway besides speeding along the process of me getting the handi-to-be crippled badge?

The more I let go, the more masks I got rid of...because the people that I did not trust got 'let go' out of my life so there was no need for me to hide my hurt and pain any more.

I am currently unemployed with two minor kids and a mortgage and car insurance and bills on top of bills and no steady money in sight BUT I haven't been this happy in awhile. I am so in love with myself that even life's setbacks can only get me so down. I fell in love with a guy who chose not to return my love and I am okay cuz I know it's him and not me... ain't nobody flyer than me ; )

I am a moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving and getting out of my own way. I used to be so concerned about who held the key to my heart that I never really allowed myself the opportunity to open my heart to allow anyone to use the key..so what did it matter that they had the key?

Now I hold the key and give my heart, locking it and opening as need be. I am so in love with loving me.

"Letting go does not diminish or erase what we have gone through. It does not weaken or tarnish what we have accomplish. It simply makes more space for us to receive greater blessings and it allows us to love a little more."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Almost Full Bloom

2011-11-04T01:19:00.003-05:00

i remember when one of my readers commented that even though i was smiling, my eyes were crying.. *well that's what she meant even if she didn't say it like that* and she was right.

my eyes could no longer mask the turmoil of my soul. my despair. my depression. my downward spiral. my silent cry for help.

i wore many masks to shield me from any more hurt and pain BUT the masks only kept my tears from falling cuz the hurt and pain kept coming

and coming

and coming....

there were times where i tried to will myself to eternal sleep... i was done. i had fought the fine fight.. i had lost and i was okay with defeat...i just wanted it to end. i didn't want any more...there was no more fight in me

or so i thought

i am the descendant of the best of the best of the best cuz the weaker ones perished on the ship

all my life i have had to fight

life for me aint been no crystal nor no hardwood stair

and well when i was at my breaking point i remembered that i was perfectly imperfect and that God didn't make me to be broken.

yes, i was tired BUT was i so tired that i would finally stop trying to do it my way?

i had tried it my way for years and it hadn't fared well for me

so i decided to give God another go...

you know to rely on faith and let HIM fight my battles

you know HE can move mountains

and well like my natural hair journey,

the initial process was rocky and downright scary,

but the more i let go, the more i began to find my comfort zone and my peace

the more i was able to shed my outer layers and let love in

and out.

my tears flow freely now and well i am ok with that cuz

when i smile now, my eyes smile too

"i planted a new seed and allowed God to water it, now i am sitting back and watching it grow'

Gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do~ Smooches

Luv's Life in words ~ day 28-31 REset

2011-09-02T21:20:00.002-05:00

Luv came into this world right when the doctor said she would, quiet as a mute...she refuse to speak until she was one after that it was on and popping.. she spent most of her life making up for those 22 months of silence.

Luv was an extraordinary individual who lived an extraordinary life. She set many records and set the tone for those to follow. She took school seriously...going even when she didn't feel well. She missed 1 1/2 of school throughout her elementary career (1 day for the Bozo show and 1/2 for her brother's graduation). She had perfect attendance throughout high school and was bestowed the honor of being the 1st African American female valedictorian of her school, 2nd African American valedictorian. She loved to travel and have fun. She saw the world on a shoestring budget with the help of coupon books. Her friends and loved ones used to tease her about her fascination with coupons but always called her when they were looking for deals and discounts. She was the Queen of hook-ups.

She was the proud owner of Tweet's Sweets bakery which is renowned for it's yummy goodness across the globe. She also was the founder and director of a non-profit that served underprivileged young ladies. Luv was a proud servant of God...she boldly and fearlessly preached about God's kingdom, a kingdom many didn't believe she would inherit at the rate she used to cut up. Luv was a rebel without a cause at times which made us love her more. She was outspoken and witty, determined and persistent, lovable and loving.

She was a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend and she will truly be missed by all of those that she let into her life. She truly did an extraordinary job with living up her "dash of life"

gone but never forgotten

************************************************************************************

My self care plan

Wake up earlier
Eat breakfast every day
Write everyday whether it be blogging, journaling
Go for a daily morning walk
Drink 70 oz. of water a day
Exercise for 15- 30 minutes a day
Run 1-5 miles a day
Read the Bible daily
Try to meditate on a daily basis
Juice for 30 days
Cut out soda period/and eat junk food only when Otis is here
Stop eating out for a week
Get more Rest
Make an overdue doctor’s appointment
Stop letting the lizard man control me
Focus on things I am thankful for daily
Take time out for me daily
Get back into swimming, tennis and skating

*********************************************

vison board deadline is 9/17

You Want Me to do What? ~ day 24

2011-08-24T21:44:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's hard to believe we only have 7 more days left. I am so anticipating my letter... can't remember what day it is supposed to come. Or, what I am supposed to be working on...but I have to say that I feel good.. Up until now I have looked each challenge in its face and laughed at it.. pushed, move past, jumped over, silenced fear and kept it moving..

Well today we have reached a roadblock..okay we probably reached it yesterday. ...

So, make a new friend...um yeah...not really gonna happen. I have been burnt with sharing with like minded individuals my dreams and goals with regards to my cupcake business....one of my homies went and opened up her own cupcake business. So yeah, I can't afford to share any more of my touchable goals...not yet.

But, seeing I hate to be defeated, I have decided to reach out to the woman herself, Ms. HappyBlackWoman and asked her to be my friend.. and so yeah, I'm gonna invite her out so we can meet face to face since i missed her meet up and then we can go from there..

haha #movingoutofmyownway

"sometimes you have to step back from a situation, see your fears and apprehensions for what they are and they and then step outside of the box to reach your desired result...everything ain't gots to be black and white or linear"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's all about the Benjamins Baby ~ Day 22

2011-08-23T20:50:00.003-05:00

It's about to be all about the dollar, dollar bill. (SN: shout-out to me for blogging for 22 days straight ! #geauxme)

So today's challenge was to pick an area of my life that i will focus on getting on track in the next 30 days...okay that isn't what it said really but you know how we do... So I am picking finances because in less than 30 days I will be jobless ~ yay me.. I am nervous about it but i really do need some time off and I am firm in my belief that God will not leave me... it will afford me some time to do some things I should have done a long time ago.. any who, let me get focused and back to the task at hand

Brief description of the project: I will be working on securing a job that will afford me the financial security that i need to take care of my small family (my niece, my son and myself)
Why the project was selected: well because my job is ending and I have found that it is almost impossible to focus on other areas in life when you are constantly worrying about where your next meal is going to come from
Goals: a better paying job
Results: based on how many resumes i put out and on weather i go on any interviews
Assistance needed: some help with drafting some KSAs
Obstacles: that I am over qualified or under-qualified... i will just have to play up my experience.. and for the over qualified well...i can't worry about that
Next steps: stay focused

"habit breeds consistency... having a plan limits anxiousness ... putting your plan in action allows you to reap what you have sown"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

You Are the Weakest Link ~ Day 21

2011-08-21T21:17:00.003-05:00

This one is gonna be kinda hard... well I guess not really. I have seen with my own eyes how much happier I have been since I stop spending every free moment with some folks that I love dearly. I mean I often laugh when I think about how some peeps who define themselves as being Christians really don't see how they really doing the devil's work...constantly gossiping, talking down, inciting rivalries, etc etc.

I just don't get it...I truly believe there is room for everyone who wants to be at the top to get there. I am not going to salt you down, steal your idea, stab in your back, none of that to get ahead. I don't understand the crabs in a barrel mentality.

Misery loves company... and misery hates to see other people succeed while it is still lying in the trenches.. I have to admit sometimes it's hard to be happy for people when you are steady getting pushed down...esp for peeps who in your mind don't deserve to get anything. It's even harder to be happy if you are surrounded by peeps who tell you that you shouldn't be happy for them...

This is why ever so often when I am sad and blue I go through my friend's list and phone and start deleting, blocking, etc.. I just can't waste any more time with peeps who aren't doing anything and who don't want to do better..

My Twitter fam don't bring me down... and I have deleted and blocked most FB that make my skin crawl... i guess there is one person I need to get rid of... but they don't contact me...I contact them....

"If changing was comfortable, everyone would be doing it.. nothing worthwhile comes easily..birds of a feather flock together... and bad association spoils a youthful heart... I am only as strong as my weakest link... time to do some house cleaning for real"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Before it gets to this ~Day 20

2011-08-21T20:57:00.002-05:00

Well it seems as I have missed a challenge....and it's probably due to the fact I was so consumed with trying to organize my crap and the crap of Chucky and Chucky's Bride. We have a lot of stuff for a 2 bedroom condo. A lot of stuff.. I am going to go buy some tins sometime this week so I can get a grasp on some of this stuff.

I really want to have a yard sale, but I have no yard.

I am going to give away my couch and sofa chair to make room for the storage tins for my bakery.

I am constantly giving away clothes and shoes, mine and the kids...

and well it may be time for me to give away my child's baby toys...I mean they are 8 years old..but me don't want too!!!! His stuff looks brand new for the most part because I made him take care of his stuff even as a baby.. but it may be time for me to give away his high chair and his bath rings and....

I am not a hoarder... I am just sentimental..

"Sometimes we allow physical things to bog and clutter our lives...the more we clean the clutter in our head, the more we will need to carve out physical space."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches

Kicking the Bucket ~Day 18

2011-08-18T20:01:00.002-05:00

Now I lay me down to sleep, if I should die before I wake, I pray that I have done the following:

been loved by someone unconditionally romantically and loved unconditionally in return

had the opportunity to put Mrs. in front of my name

traveled to Egypt and Australia and perhaps even Asia

had a daughter that came from my own womb

had more good times than bad

reached financial stability

moved back home

became the parent that i so want to be for my son

strengthen my relationship with God so that I do not have to wonder if I will hear my name called from the grave

SN: oddly enough, i did yesterday's challenge and didn't even know it... i unplugged from the matrix and as soon as i figure out how to manage my fb page so i am not on there 5 and 6 hrs a day, i will be even happier

"Seeds are planted all the time, patience is needed to see if the seed was planted in such a way that good fruit will grow."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Changing of the Tide

2011-08-16T22:24:00.002-05:00

i have decided that what shall be will be.. i still haven't decided how i am going to downsize my personal facebook page.. seems it takes up a lot of my time. I am going to probably make it so peeps can't post on my wall...they can leave me messages. i don't want to delete it totally because it's some peeps i need to keep in touch with who are worse than me when it comes to keeping on a phone.

i feel a massive deletion coming on...most of the people talk about stuff I don't care to read about anyways..

i am in a funk...me against the world....with continue pushing

Time Waits for No One ~ Day 15

2011-08-15T18:47:00.003-05:00

I won't even begin to do today's assignment because well I just had a convo with another young lady doing this challenge the other day about how I need to delete or minimize Facebook and other Social Network sites because I wasn't getting done what I need to get done.

It is easy for me to let fear or lack of capital to turn me into a procrastinator...I will sit for hours on the computer reading up on everyone else's life instead of creating the life I want for myself.

So yeah, I waste a lot of time that I cannot get back then be like shudda cudda wudda.

So this week I will start making the transition of using my time to do things that will get me closer to the life that I want. I will use it to read the Bible, do marketing research, update my cake blog, finalize things I need to finalize and meditate..

I bet you Bill Gates ain't wasting his time on Facebook for free...

"My time is valuable and so is my life, when time runs out, well so does your life"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Once Upon a Time ~ Day 13

2011-08-14T20:30:00.002-05:00

So yesterday's challenge was to write a narrative about living your future life now, and I was just too tired to do it then so I am gonna have to double post today. But this is my space so I can do that and if you don't feel like reading two then you have the right to click next cuz Luv gonna do what she gots to do and right now she gots to catch up in her assignments.

Lifestyle

I am looking at my calendar seeing what days I can take off for my trip to Australia with my bff. We are going to have a blast. I am relaxing thinking about how much fun I had today, riding around on the boat looking at the peaceful view of the Chicago skyline. I am cherishing the happiness and peace I am feeling about my life and about where I am in life. I love being debt free.

Work

I am so excited about being named minority business woman of the year. It was a hard road but I made it.. We made it. I have such a wonderful team. I cannot believe that I am running 5 separate business and a non-profit while being a loving mother and wife. I am financially sound and have make enough for a couple raining days.

Education

I am learning and growing each and every day that I read God's word. There is so much I had forgotten or never paid attention to. I am so glad that I have chosen to educate myself on how to really become God's friend.

Finances

The free days are basically over. But so are the struggling, tongue to teeth days. I no longer fear opening my mailbox. I pay all my bills on time or early and have plenty of enough money to buy toilet tissue and buy the things I want and then some. I am financially sound. I have set up a retirement fund for myself and life insurance for the kids.

Health

I have had all the surgeries I am going to need. I am mentally and physically healthy. I take time out for me to release, relax and relate. I am centered. I am going to get checkups on a regular basis and when I feel overwhelmed or scared, I pray or work out.. I also am getting plenty of rest which is key to staying mentally strong. I am actively swimming, skating and playing tennis.

Family

My family life is wonderful.. I have mastered the art of patience. I have a great relationship with my son and my niece. I am absolutely loving being a wife. My husband is everything I have wanted and more. He makes me want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. I love him so much.

Relationships

I am doing my part to stay connected to my friends and to make sure I know what's going on in their lives. I write them snail mail often and I am going to go cruising with them next month. Just the girls. We gonna get out feet and hair wet and just enjoy being sister girls. I have mastered setting boundaries for people that tend to bring negativity into my life. I am loving them from a distance without allowing them to throw me off my square.

i am living the good life!

"Life is really about how you see it and the actions that follow once you see the life that you really want. Moving out of my own way and toward the future I deserve."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

The Talking Lizard Must Die!!! ~ Day 11

2011-08-12T21:31:00.002-05:00

Dear Lizard Brain,

i’ve been noticing you popping up at certain points in this challenge and in my life. It seems like every time I want to do something for my own happiness and growth, you show up to tear me down.

For instance, when I tried to __open my mail_______, you showed up in the form of procrastination. I wanted to see it through, but instead I sabotoged my success by letting it pile up again and leaving it in the box__.

Another example was when I tried to change my life by __starting my own baking business__________ and you came along in the form of self-doubt. I knew I wanted to shift gears, but instead, you told me that __i was too poor to see it become anything to write home about so i let those offers that were on the table expire__________.

So I see what you’re doing and I don’t like it. Yes, I know that you’re afraid of change. You’re afraid of what will happen if I succeed. But what you have to understand is that whatever happens in my life will work out for my good. I was put here on earth for a purpose and you are keeping me from fulfilling that potential.

Well, until now, you have.

I will no longer allow you to stop my progress in living my ideal life. So the next time I see you, I will simply give you a nod and go on about my business.

It’s been nice knowing you, but now it’s time that we part ways.

Sincerely,

[me~ LUV]

haha..it's so funny how my path of progress and this 31reset challenge are in sync.. my writing my feelings down about that guy in my previous blog was a way of me cutting off the lizard's tail...next I am gonna cut off that lizard's head because I am going to see my baking business all the way through...-----> please click like over there and tell a friend about the yummy goodness found at Tweet's Sweets.

The Things On My Heart Right Here and Right Now

2011-08-12T19:43:00.004-05:00

I have a burning in my soul, or is it my heart? I just know that I have to get it out, some way some how. So much is going on, so much is changing and well, I feel good, no I feel great! Better than Tony the Tiger Great

The funny thing is, when I think about it, the only thing that has physically changed is my outlook...yup the way I choose to see things. Not really about being half full, or half empty~moreso about me just believing that I can do all things and trusting in myself and knowing that I AM NOT PERFECT, BUT I AM PERFECTLY ME! It's kinda crazy how I happened upon this 31 reset challenge when I was kinda already on one. I had decided that I was gonna just release whatever I found in me to be toxic. I had decided that I was going to start to be the me that I wanted to be tomorrow, today. I had decided that enough was enough; yes, i was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And look what happened.

I forgave my granny and my brother. And while it really didn't bother me one way or another, that act of kindness allowed me to forgive myself and I am sure it opened up the passage for God to also forgive me cuz Lawd knows I am a sinner ~ and so are you, and you and yes, even you. : )

I am enjoying my walk of faith.. the more I trust myself, the more I put trust in God...yeah, I know it's kinda backwards, but I am sure God understands. I unfortunately cannot begin to trust anyone until I can trust myself again. I am enjoying being me again...just carefree and really living without regards of how he, she and even you may feel about me. I am seeing folks for who they are and well I am allowing them to be them, while I make the necessary adjustments that will allow them and me to simply be at the same time without any problems. ; )

(SN: not sure what's going on with my font..it's kinda funky)

Here is something I wish I had said almost a year ago to a certain someone...and well our ships have sailed and though we pass each other often in the night, the feelings just don't feel the same so I will use this space to say what I couldn't and/or didn't say then:

From the moment I saw you, I was beyond intrigued. Not sure what it was or even what it could be. My body was calling for you, when it had been peacefully asleep. I watched your swag and had to laugh, it was clear you were used to getting whatever it was to be had. Even if I wanted to give and you wanted to get, I knew deep down we could never let ourselves go down that road... Lust, Love, Lies and feelings untold lead to frustration and confusion and possibly even some delusion.. i don't know. I just knew that when you took my calls, I smiled. I remember the 1st time you hugged me, I didn't freeze up in fear. I remember our public spat and how things were different...we didn't play so much on IM... more and more of my text went unanswered...and when i saw you i didn't get them butterflies or them goosebumps but i started feeling rather out of place like i was doing too much..like i was chasing you when you should be chasing me...time doesn't stand still and there is no changing what's already in the Past...but I did want to say somewhere what I would have said if I wasn't so shy and timid. And it's simply this: I think you have the potential to be a great better half and would like to see if your better half was me (mama mac)

"i am not perfect, but I am perfectly me. There will be times when I will rub you the wrong way and even disappoint you, but know this, if I have dubbed you my cuzzo, my sistah, my brother and most importantly my friend, that I will stand beside you in your darkest hour, that I will pull you up as I rise, I will get behind you and push you when it is your turn to want to give up, I will stand and applaud you when you have achieved the impossible dream. Thank you for allowing me to simply be me "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Nothing Like Picking Your Own Warden : ) ~ Day 11

2011-08-11T21:40:00.003-05:00

I am my sister's keeper. Why? Cuz we are all connected by a thread called human. It's funny because when you watch children play regardless of race, color, they all seem to get this fact. They will look around find someone that peeps their interest and run up to that person and start playing. Throughout the course of the day they will start to look out for one another and even profess that they are the best of friends.

Ain't it funny how things change when we grow up or even after someone educates us according to their prejudices and biases?

We are more willing to hurt and cause each other pain than to help them. We get more joy from seeing people suffer than we do them succeeding. And that's why when we get ourselves in a pickle we really don't have too many above us that can lift us up to the next level. It's more than crabs in a barrel mentality. It's a generational sickness.

So any who, today we were told to pick an accountability partner and well I picked two cuz well I can do that. Well I picked QQ cuz well sometimes he believes he is a neutral party even though he isn't but because I know that he genuinely wants to see me beat the demons that have been holding me hostage all these years, even if it's so he can pat himself on the back like he had something to do with my progress. Then I picked one of my sisters who from the very first time we met, we clicked. She balances real talk with a mixture of empathy. She is gonna give it to me straight with no chaser but she not going to beat me over the head with it. And, she has proven that she is not threaten by me succeeding.

Funny thing is, someone valued my input enough to make me their accountability partner #geauxme (more affirmation that I am making more and more mental space inside of me by cleansing and getting out of my own way)

"Yes, I can do it alone, but it's so much sweeter to know I have someone rooting me along."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Picking My Left Foot Up ~ Day 10

2011-08-10T21:59:00.002-05:00

II have picked my left foot up and I am about to put my right foot down...and I am gonna keep on moving cuz I have already lost too much ground!

Oooh I am soooo ready to break out and sing "Can't you feel a brand new day" So, yesterday was day 9 and I didn't get a chance to blog about it because my days have been pretty jam packed. Actually I on got a chance to glance at the assignment before I fell asleep. But I am seeing that even though I didn't physically get to do it, I actually subconsciously completed today's assignment anyways from what would have been on my life's circle.

Today I went to see a man about a horse...or in other words, I went to see Quacky Quack. And low and behold when I left out do you know this man finally stated that I had been open!!!! My time left here must be shorter than I had calculated. But for those of you who have been following my internal battle, know that I have had a very hard time opening us to QQ. For a lot of reasons and for no reason at all. Anyways for me to become a healthy better me, I need to be able to express what is going on with me if only for the sake of clearing mental space. And well today I reaffirmed for myself that I am well on my way.

And I know I am gonna make it this time..this time I am gonna make it!!!!

It's a beautiful thing to wake up and know that I am going to be okay regardless of what goes down. I am so proud of me and how I am being consistent with learning to respond vs. react. I am also learning to be patient and to cut myself some slack. I just really can't wait until I see what's waiting for me at the end of this tunnel.

Still cracking up at QQ saying the guy for me is going have to have an abundance of tolerance...i don't care what he has as long as he walking with a big stick.

"Sometimes we go for so long with being hungry that when we are finally offered food, we cannot eat....no need to fret because sooner or later the hunger pains will get the best of us and we will figure out a way to digest something."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

My Booked Blessings ~ day 8

2011-08-09T00:10:00.002-05:00

It's funny seems like I was doing today's assignment without even knowing it..#movingoutofmyownway

Today's task is to write down things we are thankful for ~ focusing on the positives in life. Yeah, I can dig it.

Today I was thankful that I am not financially stable because it afforded me the opportunity to give my child the opportunity of sailing a sail boat, cuz trust me, if I wasn't getting a discount I would not have been shelling out the $350 it cost to take the class...and neither would I be shelling out the $590 for dance class that I am about to register both Chucky and Chucky's Bride for. ...and that's $590 a piece.

I am grateful to have wonderful friends that have stuck by me through thick and thin.

I am thankful for my never say die attitude.

I am thankful for my gracious, loving God.

I am thankful for y Ice.

I am thankful for my A to B car.

I am thankful for all the lil things that make me, me,

Relax, Relate, Reflect ~ Day 7

2011-08-07T23:06:00.003-05:00

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the finest of them all? You gots that right, it's ME!!!! If you can't tell, I am really feeling myself right now, and well it's about dang ole' time.

I have learned a lot about myself this last week, this last month. It's funny that this 31 day reset came at a time in my life when I was doing just that...I was turning back the hands of time. I was relinquishing old baggage. I was forgiving and letting go. I was getting out of my own way because something in my soul is telling me that my breakthrough is near... I can smell it....oooh I can taste it!!!

So, this last week I have to say that I was happy to see the changes that had already set in motion were really seeping to my heart. I told myself that I was going to look in the mirror and regardless of what I saw, I was going to deal with it for what it was absent of emotions. So, when I faced difficult assignments, I didn't feel the need to procrastinate or shut down because I didn't let my feelings get the best of me. What has been done, is done. I can't do anything about it but accept it, learn from it and move on... and I'se a moving!!!!

I would say that the most enjoyable assignment for me was writing the love letter to myself. It just put a smile on my face. I am not sure why, but it's proof that I have learned to love Luv in a way that I haven't been able to love in a long time.

"I may not be where I want to be in life...or even where I need to be...but I am still here and I am still moving and still learning which means I am still living, and one day I will look up and see that I have reached my destiny."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Taking the next step ~ Day 6

2011-08-06T21:26:00.003-05:00

Day 6, wow, I have consistently blogged for six days....that's a huge victory for me because it means that I had enough mental space to sit down and do something other than fade into the background for six days in the row... go me! Moving out of my own way has been the biggest blessing.

So today we are supposed to etch in stone our mission statement of who we are and/or who we would like to become.

I am the love that I see in my ICE, I am the openess and warmth that I feel when I visit my family in Tennessee, I am the easy-going neighbor down the hall, I am not Bill Gates' rich, but I am financially stable and happy to know that not only am I providing for my family but I have a little left over for the fun things in life. I am stepping past, over, around fear. I will no longer hide my brilliance because it makes someone else uncomfortable. I am loving, learning, living, forgiving, and letting things go and covering it all with LOVE. I am loving Luv unconditionally, faults and all. I am cutting her some slack because she is not perfect even though she tries to be. I am embracing the day and getting the most out of it because tomorrow is not promised to me or to those that I care about the most...and what I don't get done today, I will gladly give it the *Kanye shrug* and make time for it the next day, and if the next day doesn't come, oh well, I will know that I lived the day to it's fullest. I am walking a more steadfast, a more heartfelt, a more faith-building walk with God and trusting that He has me even when I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am running my own bakery and it's very successful (please click "like" -----> ) I am so focused on my own walk that I do not see or hear the naysayers traveling around me. I am happy and free!

"Who I am today, is not who I was yesterday, and neither are the woman I will be tomorrow."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Is it a Slam Dunk?!? ~ Day 5

2011-08-05T22:21:00.004-05:00

What's my score, my grade on life as it regards to playing the game with regards to my values? Should I be crowned the Slam Dunk Champ? Well, let me start off by saying that I give myself a 5 for showing up and looking so fly, cuz I make what I do look easy when it is no where near easy. It's like Pac said... I'm crying inside but outside I am looking Big... (i hope that's what he is saying cuz that's how I have been singing that song and HOW i am going to continue to sing the song : 0 )

My walk with God is a 6.5. I have the tendency to treat God like I treat man...i cut Him off. I get mad with Him...I stop speaking to Him. I move Him down the totem pole. Yep, dead wrong. That's why I am so excited about my present walk with Him..I am walking and allowing Him access to what's behind my walls so it can be a heartfelt walk and not just me going through the motions.

My family well I give myself a 5 cuz there is so much more I could be doing with my son. I really have to learn to be more patient with him and more touchy feely... I just don't like all that warm and fuzzy stuff.

Friends I give myself a 9 cuz I am the bomb when it comes to being a loyal friend.. I so love my friends.

Financially security um yeah a 2... I wish I could say I had the Kool-aid and no sugar, that would be an upgrade. I need to find a job that is on my level no more just in-the-meantime jobs.

Health it's about a 6...I have some issues and I am currently going to the doctor to get them addressed AND I have given up my crack...(baking soda)

Traveling is an 8... I have finally gotten back into the swing of just getting up and going... As long as my car can get me there, Imma push it.

Love hmmm Idk...but I do know that I haven't felt this good about myself in a long time but I still have a ways to go...yet the more I move out my own way, the more I find myself loving me. Pretty sound my King will be here to love me too.

"Looking, Accepting, Reflecting, Adjusting, Letting Go, Moving On"

~ Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

I'll Take A Lil of This and Some of That ~ Day 4

2011-08-04T20:42:00.002-05:00

So today's assignment is about determining your values... who, what, where matters to me?

Ummmm...leggo

God matters to me. I am not ashamed to say it. I love God; He is good to me even when I am not good to myself and even when I give HIM my behind to kiss. Sometimes I get mad with God, when I should really be mad with myself and with another. God has never left me and He never will because HE is faithful and true. I don't always exercise my faith in HIM, but that's something I am working on. I don't understand how some people doubt God exists, but to each their own...let them same people get in a tight spot, I bet my last dollar they calling out God or Jesus name for help.

Family matters to me. I would really like to have one of those families I see on t.v. Wish I could have the Huxtable style family..heck I would even settle for the Barr's. This is probably why I love going down South so much...they welcome me with open arms and love me like family should even though they ain't seen me in years.

My son matters to me...shh don't tell him.

Friends, I value friendship because when I didn't have a family God gave me good friends to keep me sane. I get so mad when I have to cut a friend off cuz they acting like my family.

Being able to provide for my family is very important to me. I value Financial Security.

LOVE LOVE LOVE AND MORE LOVE...did I say LOVE.. there's nothing like loving someone and having them love you in return, even if that someone is YOU, or in my case, ME! I am so in love with me, flaws and all, I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me! #pow

I don't value money but I do value the things it can bring me like opportunities to better myself and the lives of my son and my niece.

I value travel...I love traveling the world and seeing how others live.

I value time..it's something that's so valuable that so many people take for granted, once it's gone it's gone

I value good food..and if you don't know what this is, please take a trip to CHICAGO and get your eat on.

I value good health, cuz once it's gone a lot of times you can never get it back.

I also value the lil things. It's hard to explain but my motto is: Anyone can get the big things right, it take a special person to show you they care enough to pay attention to the fine detail.

"Sometimes in life, we forgot who we are because we forgot what matters to us the most and we begin living our lives according to someone else's belief and value system, that's why it's so important to take time out to come back to your middle, come back to the core of who you are....living, loving, learning and pushing forward while moving out of my own way."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Dear Luv ~ Day 3

2011-08-03T14:16:00.002-05:00

Dear Luv,

Life for you hasn't been a crystal, let alone a metal stair; nevertheless, you have fought the good fight and you have come out on top. I love the way you have taken control of your life and either completely gotten rid of folks that mean you harm or limited their access to you. I love the way you have changed the way you interact with your son and your niece. I love the way that you take time out each and everyday to give thanks to Jah for allowing you more time to get your life right and for you to be able to see the blessings in being you. I love your unstoppable spirit and that contagious smile.

I love how you are taking the necessary steps to take care of your health..I know it can be scary to do it alone but just think about how much happier Chucky gonna be knowing you will get to harass him for a lot more years. I love that you are eating healthier and not just making the kids eat healthier. I love how you have completely kicked your addiction to Baking Soda and Baking Powder.

I love how you are now utilizing your legal and English degree to help provide the financial security that you had been longing for. I love how you are using your education to help others.

I love how your are getting your finances in order by paying the bills that you can on time to build up your credit. I love how you switched from a big named carrier to a prepaid to free up more money that could go towards taking care of the kids. I love how you are still able to save up for a rainy day.

I love how you are handling running your own business why working a full-time job and starting up a non-profit... You are my shero.. You give me goosebumps when I think of all that you do.

I love how you are waiting on love and no longer panicking or feeling jealous or envious when you see individuals in what appears to be loving relationships....your time is coming. I love how you are so committed to reacquainting yourself with Luv, self-love is a beautiful thing. I love how you have accepted that your family will probably never change and can NEVER change what and how they have treated you in the future but that you can and have set up boundaries for them now. I also love how you are there for your friends who are also going through it, you have such a big heart and I know someone with an even bigger heart is gonna come sweep you off your feet..

Stay true to yourself Luv, Stay true to your walk with God, Stay true to LOVE and you shall be alright

Smooches to yah,

Luv

"If you can't love yourself or see better for yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? Change your outlook and everyone else will adjust accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Life's Assessment ~ Day 2 of 31 Day Reset

2011-08-02T12:58:00.006-05:00

Everyone's getting ahead...but me.
Hmph.

Well that's how it feels when you are constantly grinding and grinding and grinding... it feels like everyone else is living the "good life" aka the "champagne life" while you are struggling to make ends meet, find love, do x,y,z.

At least that is how I have felt over these Past 11 years of just existing and getting by. But now my outlook is a lil bit different because I CHOOSE for it to be different and it all started with me looking at the "WO"man in the mirror and making changes that I didn't necessarily want to make but changes that I knew I needed to make if I wanted to change that pic at the top into this pic here:

So I started looking at my situations and my choices for what they were...being honest for the part I played in them and making the necessary adjustments and moving on. And I plan to do the same thing with this assessment.

Lifestyle: I like that I am FINALLY living again and creating a life outside of my normal hustle and bussle...outside of running around Chucky and Chucky's bride.. That I am back to enjoying my own company. I do not like that I really don't have a core group of folks I can hang out with that I really truly trust. I mean I trust them to a certain extent and then yeah...not a lot of them I would totally open up to even though they have opened up to me about their stuff...AND other people's stuff. Then there is the consistency thing. A lot of my adventurous girl homies don't have kids so of course they don't want to be bothered with kids all the time..and sometimes I just can't get rid of them. Then my homies with kids they don't really like doing the same things that I like to do...then finances is an issue.. and well sometimes I feel kinda stuck. Even though I am very happy with going to dinner, movie, etc by myself ( I am loving getting to know me all over again) sometimes I do want to share my company with other people who I don't have to be on guard with.

Work: I like that I have a job. I do not like that my job does not even cover my mortgage.

Education: I like that I have been blessed with the opportunities that I have had. I do not like that I let fear paralyze me, resulting in me losing my spot at Emory University...even though I am grateful for how Howard embraced me, I really believe my life would have been very different had I gone to Emory.

Finances: I like being able to have some money because I know of people with none. I do not like not making enough money to feed my child or to by toilet paper or to buy myself new panties when I want to! (thanks heavens for those years working at Vickis cuz I stocked up)

Health: I am not in a wheel chair. I am not assisted by a seeing eye dog. I am not confined to a bed. I don't like being in pain everyday. I don't like not having adequate insurance to have the tests I need ran to determine what is causing my pain.

Family: My son loves me even when I do not love myself. I do not like the fact that I had to add my niece to my family because her mother/my sister doesn't want her. I do not like that my family likes to expose the people that are trying to do something with their lives and shield and cover for the ones that need some serious help.

Relationships: I like that I am at a point in my life where I am really figuring out who and what is good for me..be it platonic or romantic. I do not like that I may have missed the chance of being loved unconditionally because it took me so long to own up to some of my skeletons.

Sometimes when you have walked with your head hung down for so long, you forget to pick it back up to see that you have actually come a long way. Living, Learning and Seeing.

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

31 Day Challenge ~ Day 1

2011-08-01T17:07:00.004-05:00

I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me!

My journal is a business note taking journal...kinda fitting cuz I'm all about the business of ridding myself of these bags that have been weighing me down for so long

This lil light of mine Im going let it shine...let it shine ....let it shine cuz I believe i can fly...

so let the journey begin

Living is sometimes about re-creating, re-defining how we are going to live and about how, who, and what we going to love while we are living. I am ready to press the reset button on my life...won't you join me?

~Gotta love moi, cuz I surely do (smooches)

Picking Up The Pieces

2011-06-30T08:42:00.002-05:00

The first time I heard this song I burst into tears. I had been feeling some kinda way for a minute and was looking for something that could verbalize the feelings of insecurity, frustration, longing, despair, hope, love....yes ball of confusion that was taking over my body and turning me into an emotional wreck.

It's hard because every situation, encounter, person, event, and experience has the potential of shading the windows to our soul... the color of that hue can impact our life more than the event itself. Having a ~~lasting choke hold~~ impact on your future, making you react to situations in manners that's not your norm. It can also force you to seek out situations that you know are not beneficial for you so that you can validate your now preconceived notion about something. It forces you to hold on to pain and constantly seek situations that will not only reinforce that pain but validate why you should stop trying to see things any other way.

I have had a helluva life. There are times that I get up and wonder why the heck me. There are times that I get up and wonder why my clock has not expired yet...what more pain, turmoil, persecution do I have to go through before I get a reprieve. But, my life could be much worse. Much, Much worse. I know this, but I really don't care because I am in the midst of the storm and it feels like I am being struck by lightening every waken moment. Don't get me wrong, I have made a lot of strides...leaps and bounds this past year. I have unloaded a lot of dead weight. I still shake my head in disbelief at how much peace came to my life after I confronted the rapist. Has me over here trying to figure out who and what else I need to confront so I can elevate to the next level because I know that where I am, is not where I am supposed to be. I refuse to believe it even though the dirt on my glasses makes it hard for me to see any other way or life for me.

I have struggled with low self-esteem off and on throughout my entire life. I know when it was introduced and when it was reinforced and when it was validated...I don't know how to get rid of it. The surface stuff I have gotten control of..cuz yeah I am the flyyest of the fly when I am flying solo... The problem comes in when it's time to establish something that's deeper than superficial. When I have to make my "representative" look somewhat like what's behind all of these masks. When I have to become emotionally available and vulnerable.

I can't.. well I can..but I can't be consistent. I get afraid and I run. I retreat. I delete and block on facebook and twitter. I do all sorts of silly things that makes it looks like I ain't ready when I am. I also become attracted to guys who aren't available. People who have no interest in waiting for me to pick up the pieces so they can understand how they fit. And it's slowly driving me over the edge. I know my worth...I know my worth...I know my worth...but sometimes I am too afraid to show it.

My current lust interest is as fickle as me and it frustrates me...I don't want fickle, I want something that will last forever..from infinity and beyond.

"There comes a time when we have to take off those rose and smut covered glasses and wipe them clean and start seeing things for what they presently are and not for what they were...living in the moment without letting the Past shape the outcome or the experience."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

So they tell me...

2011-06-27T11:35:00.003-05:00

and well, I guess it's kinda like the squeaky door gets the oil... I get it, but I just don't like it!

It's not that I don't like asking for help. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like setting expectations only to have them not met...or maybe it's not even that they aren't met, maybe it's the fact that sometimes people don't even put forth effort to keep their end of the bargain.

I also don't trust people with my weaknesses...asking for help in my mind makes you vulnerable..you expose to people who have the potential of hurting you what you are lacking...and they can either choose to use that information for good, evil or not at all. And well most peeps today are in it to win it for themselves. Trust.

I set my expectations based on what I would do and how I would act, isn't that the Golden Rule? Well, most peeps aren't going to go the extra mile for you. I learned this lesson as a child. It only took one Saturday of waiting for someone to come pick me up and do what they promised they would do for me, someone that never showed AND never called, for me to learn that outside of God, I need only to depend on myself. At least then, I won't be disappointed because at the end of the day, I know what I am capable of.

Like this past weekend, I had an end of the school year and send off party for Chucky and Chucky's Bride. I had several peeps volunteer to help me transport the items to the event's location but when it was all said and done, all of the stuff was piled up into my lil car. Repacking my car to make everything fit, put me behind schedule, causing me to get to the party um, late and it also caused me to damage one of my cakes. And had I expected the people to actually come through for me, I would have been pissed. But, I always operate under the notion that when it's all said and done, I'm gonna have to do whatever it is that I am asking someone else to do , which is why I got up at 11pm and dropped Chucky and Chucky's Bride off at the hotel where my donor was staying. I knew I needed to make sure I had car space in the event someone couldn't help. (I stay with a backup plan to my backup plan)

I also asked someone to help me put the finishing touches on the cake and well after telling me how much they really didn't want to help because they didn't like dealing with cakes when they had no orders, um yeah I just made it do what it do...so when they got to the event and told me that my cake was damaged because I waited until the last minute to do it and that it only tasted "okay" and didn't have it's normal pow, I just shrugged and smiled. (I'm done giving the Devil my joy and I am done asking closet haters for help cuz it's funny how a cake that served 100 peoples was demolished by 30 #noneleft #nuffsaid)

Now, it would be easy for me to continue dwelling on all the negative occurrences that help reinforce that if I need to be fed, I bets to grow me a garden, but then that wouldn't be me doing something different or me lovin LUV... part of loving me, is allowing others to love, Luv, and the only way they gonna get a chance to love Luv is by Luv letting them in and letting them help Luv. (don't you love it when I talk in the 3rd person) And well, I made the mistake the other day and did just that. I opened up about how I was so disappointed with Chucky's school progression and how I had to bite the bullet and put him in a tutoring course for the summer only to be told that their stepmama was a teacher and a tutor and that she had the ability to provide the one-on-one I was looking for and blah blah blah some ole Lean On Me mess.......

and you know what, she was right. (don't tell her I said that)

"A close mouth doesn't get fed... Sure I can plant my own garden, but what does that help if it doesn't produce the fruits that I need to eat? No one can fill those of my needs that I don't let be known...I am done suffering in silence. Living, Learning, and Applying."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

My Cup Runneth Over.....

2011-06-20T12:31:00.003-05:00

... but with all the wrong things.

I have a lot of anger to share. A lot of disappointment and dispair. I have a lot of unmet expectations and wants. I have a whole heck of a lot of tears and fears. I have gallons and gallons of hurt and pain and even some shame and blame. I have a bunch of stuff in my cup that I no longer want, nor need.

I say I have been searching for love, but how could this be? How can I love or even recognize those that are trying to love me when I only have a lil bit of it in my cup?

Hindsight 20/20 is always that ~ hindsight. I think about the men that have marched in and out of my life professing to love me...I think about how I laughed and looked at them with my *side eye* doubting it could ever be...but now I am wondering what if it wasn't them, but me? (yeah like it could ever be me) What if some of them really did love me? And maybe the problem wasn't that they didn't love me, it was just that they couldn't love me the way that I needed them to love me because I didn't even know what love looked like, let along felt like...and surely really didn't know what kinda loving I needed.

I say I just want to be loved and allowed to love openly and unconditionally in return. Those are the words that come out of my mouth. My actions, yeah those say another thing. Let's take MSC, a dude that truth be told I was really feeling and to protect my lil fragile ego, I will say he was really feeling me too. But then something happened...people got wind that I was paying too much attention to him and the chatter started and well I do what I do best when my safe place is threaten ~ I shut down any and all emotions that I had made available and began my silent retreat. (ok, it wasn't that silent, I had to take some shots at the lane violators) So now, I am secretly looking at his pics and wondering if he will reach out to me now that I have practically told him I wish I had never met him. (yeah, I know, I know...it was so much easier when I was a tomboy hiding under cars)

But if he did, what would it matter? Outside of wanting him to pay me some doggone consistent attention, what else do I want from him...or better yet, what do I need from him?

So Father's Day was yesterday, and I was getting a kick out of reading peep's post about their fathers. It's amazing how forgiving some individuals are...posting their father's were great when I know for a fact these ninjas were never around. But, I guess these people have been able to do what I have still yet to do: FORGIVE, LET GO (so forgiveness should have been at the top of both mine and MM's list..this entire commentary was in the original previous post) and LOVE PEOPLE where they are and ACCEPT the love of those individuals in what ever dose they are able to give it....yeah, I'm definitely not there yet.

It's either all or nothing with me (yup, that Polar Thinking) I am either going to LOVE the mess out of you by smothering you or I am going to HATE you and make every encounter as painful as it possibly can be. Well, that's how it is for guys that I am interested in...my tried and true blue friends, it's a lil bit different...I am able to open up and have a middle ground with them because I know they aren't going any where. They know and have accepted that I love them and they smother me just as much as I smother them. (yeah we brats)

So I am looking at the posts and it just hits me hard that until I forgive myself for not being born to people that could love me the way that I not only needed to be loved but DESERVED to be loved that I am never going to find the love I am "searching" for because it will never exist for me. I will never be able to love openly, freely and unconditionally until I make amends with myself and put the bag of shame that I have been carrying filled with all of my "emotions" of being unloved down! (forget hurting my back, I am hurting my future...I am hurting my child's future as well as my niece's) I have to do an aboutface one last time...win,lose or draw, I gots to leave it all on the mat.

It's time. It's past time. I can't keep holding on to these decade old grudges. Especially since I am now loving my son the way my father loved me.... yeah, not a good look. The funny thing is, my father is able to love my son the way he should have loved his kids. Go figure. I am not sure if it's cuz he realizes he made his bed hard with his kids and I am the only one that allows their child to have a relationship with him or what. I just know that my story cannot be my son's.

I don't want my son to say, "well my mama must have loved me because she worked her fingers to the bone to provide for me and it would have been much easier for her to just sit on the couch and stay home." Cuz trust me, there are days that I just want to fade into the background but don't cuz I gots to feed my son, I'm all he has.

As an adult, I understand my father's frustration. I understand his pain...his feelings of inadequacy...his feeling that you are never doing enough because someone is always going to be needing something. But I also understand that it's not my child's fault and so it's not fair to him to make him pay for my choices and my current situation.

Deep down under all of these layers, I know what I want. I want to wake up and go to sleep with a smile on my face. I want to embrace and hold my son just cuz. I want to give knowing that I will also receive. I don't want to keep a count or have to attach strings. I want to make the room stop or slow down when I walk into it. I want the fairytale with the happy ending....but, how do I get there?

I don't have many examples of love going right...and I am tired of modeling all the ones that have gone wrong. So how do I begin to pour out the toxins that are spilling over from my cup and replace them with things I really need? Who's going to teach me if I don't let down my guard or at least a couple of my walls?

"Sometimes we search for so long and so hard only to come up short, time and time again because we haven't taught our eyes what it is we are looking for ~ stepping out of my own way so that I can finally see where I am going."

~Gotta Love Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

*will edit later...or maybe not : )

Can't Give What I Never Had...

2011-06-19T20:20:00.001-05:00

..... or can I?

So, I went to see a man about a horse and he tried to sell me a heafa instead.

Smh...well at least that is how I felt when I went to see the Quack...(still can't remember what I changed his name to, think I am gonna call him MM) Now he told me he was going to give me a list, no strings attached, then I get there and he tells me he has two lists for me, lucky me (yay-- not) and then I walk away with one half-butt list-definitely wasn't a winning day for me.

But the more I got to thinking about it, the more I realized that MM gives me what I give him-FLUFF. Not sure if it's by design or coincidence. Mine, it's just the nature of the beast. Him, he really be trying. So his assignment was the following: " give me a list of things I need to work on so my HIM can hurry up and find me, I need my permanent babysitter...please and thanks" But when I get there he is asking me about my list and what I think I have left to tackle... now 1st off, ain't nobody never tell slim I had a list of my own, if I had a list, I wouldn't need his list, now would I? But for the sake of getting to his list I toss him some stuff that sound like he will swallow:

not holding grudges

letting go of things

violence/anger management

and then it's his go...he put his titles up there and I am really hoping he breezes past his list for me to his list for what my HIM needs to look like cuz I am tired of striking out. I ain't one for dating and wasting time, clocks a ticking and not just the babymaking one.

MM's list for me: setting expectations, getting past people, places and events, getting rid of polar thinking, and becoming emotionally available (whatever)

Then he proceeds to tell me that he isn't going to give me the second list, that he has changed his mind because he doesn't want me to get distracted from the real list (what in the samhill...who does he think he is, a real therapist?!) So needless to say, I am hot and in my feelings so I do what I do best ~ shut down...all the way down because essentially wasted some more time, time that I do not have.

*********so I finished this post and something happened when I went to post..it

didn't post and though I could retype everything else.. my soul isn't in that place any more...so I will post this and i will explore some other kinda*******

Hoodwinked and Bamboozled!

2011-06-07T21:22:00.003-05:00

This is how I feel and how I have been feeling... shoot it's been too too long..so you know what that means... strap up it's going to be a long bumpy ride....or maybe not... maybe i will for once just say what i have to say without all the pomp and circumstance... (miracles do happen) it's crazy, i don't even remember what my signature "thing" was with this blog... but like riding a bike, i am gonna get on this baby and i am going to ride it like i have never ridden before.

so what made me stop this time, cuz i was on a roll...well i went to see my homie who had been oppressed by the man (haha) in the ATL and while down there i decided to hit up all my homies that um were in close proximity. Well at one of my friend's house, who is more like my sistah, i experienced a set back. My child allowed her child to bite him on the butt. And while i did not allow them to question him w/o me or at all ( i questioned him in their presence) i still felt like i had failed him afterwards because when the incident was brought to me i immediately went in to reaction mode instead of listening and detective mode. I was so upset that he would show any part of his body to anyone after the year we had been through. I was also so upset that he was allowing a 3 year old to dictate his actions. I was also upset that I allowed myself to overreact. I was also upset because but for me sharing with my sistah my child's incident i don't think she nor her husband would have reacted the way that they did. I called Quack right away and he laughed... he thought it was funny and was like 'i bet he won't never take that dare again.' I then called my Jill Scott and she was like "eww boys are nasty...why would he let him bite him on the butt when he saw that lil boy wasn't going to back down?"

So the scenario we were given is that my lil nephew told my child that if he didn't get up and stop crying that he was going to bite him...my child was like no you not, and he like yes, i will.. and he's like no you won't and he's like bet, yes i will, and my child is like you won't bite me on my butt and my lil nephew goes and bites him him at the top of his butt, where the top of your pants stop.

I tried to blog about this on many occasions but couldn't...i couldn't process my feelings.. i didn't know how i felt about my friend sharing with her husband what had happened to my child after i asked her not to...i didn't know how i felt about her not taking my calls..i didn't know how i felt about my child's lack of concern for his safety...i didn't know how i felt about my overreacting to the situation and reading more into what was going on than was actually there. i just didn't know...

even with this blog and talking to Quacky Quack (is that his name or did i change it, dang it's been too long) i still keep so much stuffed in me. i am busting at the seams. and it has to stop..it's gotta stop... or it will certainly kill me

i feel like my entire life has been a sham..that i have been bamboozled into believing that the early bird gets the worm, that the one who walk the straight and narrow gets the successes, that if you work hard you can play harder, that there is enough room at the top ~ all that is hogwash... the ones i see succeeding right now are the ones that did it by any means necessary, by cutting throats, stabbing backs, stepping on heads, lying, cheating and deceiving...they living it up and quite honesty i want to live some too.

"life ain't always what you make it, sometimes it is just some crap you are given...but nevertheless, it is life, and if you play your cards right you just might win a book or two."

Gotta luv moi, cuz I surely do (Smooches <3 )

2010..what a year, what a year

2010-12-27T12:28:00.003-06:00

what a mighty good year..(yup reverse psychology)

I really can't complain cuz some of us not even here today that were here just a day, hour, minute, second ago.. so I am doing better than them even with all my troubles. (Still can't believe Teena Marie is gone)

But honestly, when I look back over this year and think about what I set out to accomplish, I am proud. I can honestly say that this is the first year that I didn't let depression consume me. I didn't let all those things I keep tucked in the back of the closet control me. I didn't let rejection keep me from trying again. I didn't let foolish people change me. I didn't let my insecurities and my issues with myself spread hatred to anyone else. I am who I am..and I AM HERE!

I haven't even had the time to go over my blog titles to just understand the magnitude of what I have accomplished this year..but here are the things that I remember...that probably had the most impact:

I survived a year of being a single mother of 2 kids. It wasn't easy but it's getting easier. Each day I am learning to trust others cuz I need all the help I can get with Chucky's Bride. I am learning to accept help from those willing to help. Pride was never a factor, it's just that everyone trying to perform a good deed, not doing it from their hearts. But that's their problem, not mine.

I survived a year of helping my child get through the experience of being sexually assaulted. And while I would never want to go through something like that again, we are better for it. Up until that point I was just really dragging my child along with me as I tried to make things happen. I was always too tired, too on my grind to really have face time with him. Now, I make time for him to snuggle with me even though I am still not comfortable with the touchy feely stuff.....

post interrupted ...now let's fastfoward

It Doesn't Even Matter.....

2010-12-21T23:43:00.003-06:00

Whether the box is big or small...

If it's one or two....

A blessing is a blessing...and these right here are my blessings. They may not be what I have dreamed about or what I want, but they are mine and I cherish them.

Lately I have been doing a lot of reflecting in my head because I have been too tired to write anything down. My brain won't slow down or speed up, it's just stuck on auto-pilot. I have been dealing with puke and crap for what 3, 4 weeks now? We have been passing this nasty lil stomach bug back and forth and I am absolutely sick of it.

So one day I was in my car and I was close to tears cuz well, things are coming at me fast and all I can do on a good day is find the humor in it and do my best to push through it. My son's adoptive dad, my classmate, is getting married, and while I am ELATED for him, I am a tadbit hurt cuz I had to hear about it via the gossipline. I would have loved to hear it from him especially seeing I had recently talked to him. My child didn't take the news that well...actually he had a mental, emotional, i don't know what it was, breakdown. He started crying and everything talking about how his Uncle not going to have time or space or room in his heart to love him any more. It was while I was holding back my tears, and wiping away his tears that it dawn on me, God had already worked this situation out.

A couple of months ago, one of my co-workers told me that her hubby wanted to be my child's mentor..you know kinda play "family" with my child.. you know try parenting on for size.. and well I didn't mind because I need all the semi-free time I can get..(i don't get these types of requests for my niece) So, even though my child probably won't get as much, or maybe any more face time with his "Unc" he'd already been blessed with someone to kinda fill the void.

Then there is the issue about not having a support system in place for my niece. I mean my son, he gots peeps who are dying to keep him...it's no problem unloading him when I really need to..but her, yeah, that a whole notha' discussion...so as I was getting down about thinking I would never have any more ME TIME, I realized that when I wasn't looking, I had gained a small circle of helping hands for her too. I have 2 people who are always willing to help me out with her so now I have to trust that they will be able to handle her and receive my blessing.

My job is about to end. And well, I don't really have a back up plan....I have a lot of business plans and great ideas floating through my head, but nothing concrete. Well, I have a cake business and lately, I have been pushing it, and people have been receiving it. If all goes well, I can live off selling a couple cakes a week and I even have a restaurant looking at selling my sweets on a regular...

YUP, All the time He is good.

"Sometimes we get frustrated because we believe this person and that person should help us; however, the sooner we realize that no one has to help us and that less than that wants to help us, the faster we will recognize those that are helping us and appreciate that they are a true blessing."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Just When I thought I Was Home Free

2010-12-06T21:59:00.000-06:00

I went and hit a line drive right to the out-fielder...well actually it felt more like a foul ball.

I have been acting up over here....putting things in jeopardy that I hold dear. Gots my PIC all wound up and worried. Got the heathen ministering to the somewhat saint (snicker). I know my temptations and so does that DEVIL and lately it seems like my temptation falls into the category of 23yr old men....

Lawd help me....

Not sure why I never completed this one but...um yeah body like whoa...them young boys are really something to look at..

"You can only be tempted by what you desire and it looks like I desire something still wet behind the ears."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Looking Up...

2010-12-05T09:43:00.004-06:00

Trying to determine if and when it's gonna stop unloading on me.

So I got extended from September 30th to December 31st at work. On Sept 30th I went to the hospital presenting like I was going to have a heart attack. My pressure was way high. I think it was like 140/82 or something like that. My pressure is normally low. The bottom number is normally like 65.

I missed a week of work...no pay. I was gonna use my week of bedrest to clean my house but instead I had to deal with whiny kids whining about things that didn't concern me. I felt bad because it got to a point where I would simply state to them, "I don't care." And as a parent and an aunt, I guess I should pretend to care even if I really don't.

On September 7th I drove my niece to Chicago so she could be with her Granny that she was crying for and so that her Granny could put her money where her gangsta texts were. I used up my rainy day play money to get her there. On Sept 10th, I made it back East and planned on resting up a lil before I headed back to work, plus my knee looked like a watermelon. On Sept 10th, that night is when I found out my niece was going to be sold or given to a stranger. On Sept 11th, I was back on the road, this time I had to driving 5 hours past Chicago to get my niece from a total stranger...no not her mama. Someone I had met on Twitter had agreed to secure my niece until I got there and for that I am forever grateful. It's funny how majority of my biological family came up with all kinds of excuses of why they couldn't help me rescue their family member and this complete stranger was like, "tell me what you need me to do." The young lady that rode with me to get my niece was really just an acquaintance up until then...yeah, we went to law school together but we weren't really friends...I don't even think we really cared for each other at all. Yet, when I Facebooked that I needed a rider to the Chi' she responded and she drove the 1st 12hours so that I could get some rest. She did what many who claim to have my back, wouldn't.

So since returning, I have been fighting this demon and that demon. Running here and running there. All the while knowing in the back of my mind that I am working on borrowed time. Time is running out even though it feels like it's standing still. December 31st is coming. A new year is about to break and well, I am in a different space but it looks and feel like I am still standing in the same place. I spent up all my rainy day money and savings, saving a child that isn't mind. Ironic or satirical?

I am playing catch up in a race that I am feeling is not mine to run. I keep telling myself that God wouldn't have made a way for me to get her only to have me not be able to take care of her. And I am definitely not going to let my child go without shelter, food and water. If I gots to go cop me some Cindahooka shoes, so be it. I figured I wouldn't be the first person to fall off the pole.

So I am starting an organization, but every time I am supposed to meet with my advisor, something comes up: 105 fever, hives, grown-up threatening my child, diarrhea, no sitter, etc... I am also in the process of marketing and pushing my cake business, please check out my page Tweet's Sweets on Facebook and follow me on Twitter: Tweets_Sweets_ (ps. my Sweets don't just look good, they taste good too)

I gots my Husl'a hat on but honestly, my heart and mind's not feeling this street corner grind any more. I know that change is gonna come. I know that I have to be the change I want to see. I know that that I need to stay focused and prayful. I know that if I believe it, that I can achieve it. I know all of this...but I still don't like it.

My soul wants to quit but my body will continue to PUSH until my last breath has been gasped...

"Pray Until Something Happens...that's all we can do when we are faced with unrelenting adversity, frustration, persecution, trials, and turmoil...forward movement is still progress even if it's a turtle's pace."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

What the F

2010-12-04T23:12:00.002-06:00

Fungus, Feces, Foul Smells.... I hate them all!

And I am dealing with them, have been dealing with them for a minute now.. .okay I am lying, I ain't dealing with them, that's the problem. I can't stand fungus and Chucky can't seem to get that in his head. Or is it out of his head cuz he has a lot of fungus in his head! This infestation of ringworm on his body is killing me slowly. He didn't want to listen to me about the nasty lil football helmet so the ringworms we had just gotten rid of came back. Now this child has managed to get them nasty suckers on his back. I guess he believes me now that if he touches it and touches some place else they will spread. I don't do fungus, but I do do bleach. And so think and say what you want, after pouring capfulls of bleach down his back for 3 days them suckers disappeared never to return again. But the hair, well that's not so easy. I tried the bleach, and I am sure it would have eventually worked, but Chucky likes to move and well when the bleach almost went into his eyes, I figured it was time to just put him back on that nasty, liquid medicine. Can't have a blind, fungus boy walking around, now can we?

So while Chucky is walking around with bald patches, Chucky's Bride is pissing and crapping everywhere. I can't win for losing. I am telling you. I don't do feces. I changed my own child with gloves until I couldn't get them free any more and just like that he was potty-trained. So I'm not sure what's really going on with my niece. She had broken out in hives all over her body and then the next day she just started crapping on herself. It's loose so I am sure she has a virus of some sort but this mess has been going on for 2 weeks. She already out of at least 14 pairs of drawls cuz I don't do doodoo. I get them things off her the best way I can without them touching me and straight into the trash the go. Wash, what? I ain't touching them long enough to get them into a washer. And well she started wetting the bed probably the second week she was back from being snatch off the auction block. I can't take all of these foul smells. I have such a sensitive nose.

These things are slowly taking their toll on me. It's a good thing someone gave me a book today on Finding Peace: Letting Go and Letting it Stay There (at least I think that's what the title is..too lazy to go check)

"Sometimes it's the little things that will drive us to drink."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

When Time Stands Still

2010-12-01T10:58:00.003-06:00

What do you do? Or I guess the better question is what can you do? You can't hurry it up, and perhaps you shouldn't try to cuz it may make matters worse...and well it's no turning back the hands, so.....

I have been MIA cuz time has been holding me in one place. A place of confusion, frustration and aggravation. A place of anger and distrust and helplessness. A place of feeling lost and all alone. A place that looked familiar but felt ohhh so different. A place that ~~maybe can be~~ is my crossroad, my turning point, my deciding factor of what is it going to be.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed and I am on high alert. Everything I am seeing, feeling, experiencing is almost like deja vu'... I have been here before...well not here, but a lot of the things I am combating, I have fought and battled before...who knows, maybe this is the same war from before...

I have my niece and well I have to get used to the idea that she is mine...or going to be mine...or as much as mine as I can claim cuz there is no one she knows to send her to. My mother, after all of her gangsta texts of what she could do and would do and how I was mistreating my niece because I wasn't giving her sugar folded like a bad poker hand when I drove my niece home to her. But instead of growing that lil jealous girl up and texting me and telling me she had made a mistake and that I had called her bluff, she drove my niece to her mother who had already made it abundantly clear that she didn't want her. (Still not sure what would allow a mother who ain't cracked out to pick and choose which child she gonna keep and love) So my sister made arrangements to sell???/give (not sure got it secondhand, and just like secondhand smoke, it's deadly) her to someone in Tennessee. My niece doesn't know anyone in Tennessee. She barely knew me when I got her...and though I tried to act nonchalant like I didn't care about what happened to her since she didn't come out my twat, I couldn't.

My child who had cheered when I came home to get him with a nieceless car, said, "Mommy, you have to go get her, a stranger will kill her cuz she is crazy." And he was right. I had to go get her cuz if you ain't used to dealing with a child of her magnitude you may black out and come to and find your hands around her neck.

So even though my legs were tired from just driving 12 hours there and 9 hours back to drop her, and I didn't have any leave, or any money, I got on FB and secured me a rider, then I got on Twitter and secured me a plan A and a plan B to get her cuz my sister told me that by Wednesday my niece would be gone forever and she was telling me this on Monday night, so we hopped in the car and drove the 31hrs round trip to get her, and now she's here, with me....

And as my child said, "she gonna be with us forever and ever..."

When we got back, my tire blew and all I could think was "this wasn't how my fairytale was supposed to play out, but things could be worse, my tire could have blown while we were balling through those mountains."

"When your plan doesn't match up with God's plan, He will certainly move things out of the way to get you back on track."

Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

To Be Continued......

My Hands are Bond

2010-10-21T12:21:00.002-05:00

and my heart is slowly breaking....

I am here, if not in mind, at least in body. I have a lot of drama for your mama going on right now. As soon as things simmer down, I will get back to feeding your souls with my tales as I stir these pots... But right now, I am doing more burning than cooking.

I will try and catch up on your blogs this weekend and maybe that will provide me some mental release from this anguish...cuz some of what I am feeling, I can't even put into words.

It's just one of those situations where you just fall on your knees and sob and make noises and sounds that only HE can translate.

Take care of yourselves and each other..

Gotta Luv MOI, cuz I surely do (smooches)

I Think I Can....

2010-09-20T11:34:00.003-05:00

But does that mean that I can?

I mean I can only control me and my choices...but what happens when things are out of my hand?

I don't know but lately I have been feeling like I don't know...I have moved from that place I used to hold on to, but I still haven't moved far enough...and YES, it is a freaking process, but still...what if when I get to where I am going and it's still not enough? What if I am still not free...then what?

What if I never am found by the one that is supposed to love me? What if God didn't pick anyone out for me? (It could happen) What if he's stuck in a loveless marriage? What if he dead? What if it's just not meant to be?

What if?

I have to ponder these things...it's the only way realistically that I can stay balanced. Life ain't no fairytale and lawd knows mine ain't been filled with no crystair stair, rail, nail, spoon...And sometimes when you get to the top of a hill you realize that you either got more hills and mountains to go or that you are the last one to get there and the party's about to end.

I don't know what's gotten me in a funk...I went camping this past weekend and had a blast. But as I listened and watched, and watched and listened, I realized there are a lot of unhappy people in this world just trying to make it from hill to mountain and well, I don't want to be one of those people any more. I don't want to fake it til I make it, not with everything and especially not with love.

I want to love whole-heartedly and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want to be able to say, "Hey, what you did made me very unhappy," and not wonder if he gonna walk away, or worse is he gonna stay and stray. I want to live and not worry about the eggshells I am crushing..

I want, I want, I want....but does that mean it will be?

"What will be, will be whether I choose it to be or not."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

She Made Her Bed Hard

2010-09-16T23:00:00.003-05:00

So why can't she lie in it in peace. Why she gots to keep reaching out to me?!? I don't want her friendship. I don't want her trinkets. I don't want her love. AND I shole as heck don't need her mothering.

I just want her to leave me alone. Seriously. Just leave me be to find my way...and if my way should cross paths with hers, so be it, we make amends then and move on. But as of right now, I want her to stop sending me freaky looking texts of her face, of her hair, of her travels, and of her whereabouts. I honestly do not care.

I do not care that she cut her hair, dye her hair or even has hair. Is that harsh? Well, it's the truth. I do not care to share any of my personal tidbits with her about me or my child. Now that I have my niece, she thinks that she has more freedom to collide with my world more often. She is wrong. So, so, so, so, so very wrong. (in my Jill Scott voice, lol)

The line was drawn a long time ago. I never erased it. How dare she cross it without checking to see if it was okay with me. She infuriates me because she is the same, she ain't changed. She still the same ole person just light years older. It's funny cuz sometimes I look at her and see that she too is struggling to grow up that lil scared girl, struggling to find her way...but that ain't got much to do with me. Go head girl, find your way. Get your groove back. Do you. Leave me alone! Is that too much to ask?

She brings a lot of unnecessary drama into my life. Drama messes with my freedom. I don't sugarcoat much, especially not with females. Especially not the ones I am related to. People on the outside looking in would say that she is trying..that she is trying really hard and that I am just being difficult. WRONG. If she was trying, she would just leave me alone and just pray that I come around not try and force herself on me. She ain't about TEAM LUV she ain't NEVER BEEN ABOUT TEAM LUV...and trust me when I tell you that ain't changing over night. That ain't changing when the ink dries on hers and my father's divorce papers. That ain't changing cuz I have my niece. Lawd that probably ain't never going to change.

I didn't wear jewelry...haven't for years. She states, "You never wear any earrings, let me buy you some." I say, "No." Months later I receive some hideous earrings in the mail with this detailed text about how I should keep them even if I don't like them. Huh? Who buys something for someone knowing they ain't going to like it? Who buys contact holders for someone who doesn't wear contacts. And it would be the thought that counts IF she didn't go all out for the gifts she gives my siblings. I remember when I got that contact crap all the stuff she got my brother who was going away to Iraq. She hand picked everything HE LIKED and gave it to him. She sent him care packages of things he liked until he told her to stop cuz his wife was sending him care packages...then she got in her feelings and sent his last care package box to me filled with stuff either I was allergic to or never have liked. But she's trying, right?

I am not that little girl I used to be. Nor am I the grown up version of she. I am so much more ---- better. Yet, I am not the best I can or shall be...but I will get there. I cannot afford to let my mother to take up residence in my intimate space and therefore I will be removing the link that gave her the courage to open up my door and try to walk on in.

My niece has to go back....I am determined to be free.

"There are casualties in war...I am fighting for my Freedom...the quickest and safest way for me to get there is to unload some of this dead weight...don't want my fate to mirror theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Patch it or Let it Burn

2010-09-14T12:23:00.002-05:00

I haven't been on here in a minute simply because well.... I don't know. I think I was almost losing that decade old battle and was about to slip into that cloak of darkness. It's comfortable. It's familiar. It's home. And even though I have since relocated to a new address, my body sometimes forget that WE AIN'T DOING THIS NO MORE!

So from time to time, I come by for a visit. Sometimes, I walk right pass without even stopping. Then there are days where I come and I just stare in awe... just total amazement at what went on in that there shack, like I didn't live it or through it, but had just happened to hear about it....like a slave revisiting the plantation he/she used to live on. And other days, I climb the steps, open the door, and fall asleep on the couch.... It's a process.

Well, sometime back when everyone was doing the "challenge" someone presented me with a challenge of my own. They wanted me to fully see what freedom meant for me...what it looked like, what it tasted like, what it smelled like...what was it exactly, cuz my freedom ain't gonna necessarily be your freedom. So, I shot the email to my PIC cuz like I said in her lil tribute, she knows me and she will be brutally honest with me when she is pushed...So she told me that she thought that I really needed to reconcile my relationships with my parents, especially my mother. And well, it was weird because not even 24 hours prior, I was trying to sort out why it would appear that I have forgiven my father when he really was the one that physically and mental abused me and not my mother. So, I knew that she wasn't just shooting straws out of her butt and that she had really thought about the question I had presented her.

I started mentally that day trying to sort out what a relationship with my mother would look like in my freedom. And it's been hard because I have a conflicted soul and heart at times. I am a Christian and I will bust you to the white meat without a moment's notice. But, I am a Christian and what God thinks of me and my actions, do matter. They matter a lot. So, I am torn. I don't love my mother. I don't even like her 98% of the time. I have a very hard time tolerating her. But, I know that I need to honor and respect her. How do you do that with a person when the sound of their voice immediately enrages you? My freedom does not have any space for her.

Is that right? Am I right? Is that my freedom talking, or is that my lil scared girl inside still playing get back and holding on to a lifelong grudge, talking?

I am not sure. But I am not afraid to find out. I am in this for the long haul. I have dug in my heels and made sure they ain't the ones from Payless. This battle has already been won and I am the victor.

All I have to do is HONESTLY, absent of fear and anger, decide whether patching the relationship with my mom will get me closer to my freedom or adding some more gasoline to that already roaring fire and let that bridge burn once and for all.

"Sometimes moving forwards requires you letting go of one rope and swinging to another, and other times it may mean tying a knot at the end and hanging there for a minute."

~Gotta Luv Moi Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

From Crack to Quack ~ Happy Anniversary!

2010-09-05T13:00:00.003-05:00

So one year ago yesterday, my world changed as I knew it. The last piece of innocence I held on to was taken right from under me. I look back on this year and I have to marvel at my strength. I was taken through the ringer and left on the side of the road to dry. It seemed like I dealt with a different crisis every week. From neverending ringworm to behavior decompensation. I saw it all. I felt it. I went through it. I survived it.

My faith was tested and in the midst of the fire, it grew.

My child is still not 100%. I am still dealing with a lot of the issues that stemmed from his ordeal. However, there are some things that are changing. His demeanor has changed somewhat. He doesn't look so aggressive or so on the defensive when I pick him up after school. It's like he knows he is safe at his new school and that brings me a measure of peace cuz I fight lil kids,even multi-racial ones.

Today is doubly special: It's my 6 month creamy crack free anniversary and my 1 year issues that I can't stuff and gots to pay someone to help me anniversary!

So it has been a year since I picked up the phone and called CQP and honey, I should have followed my 1st mind and kept it moving. It was something about him that told me he would be a hot mess, which is why I didn't call him back. He called me back and asked if I was still interested in him seeing me and my son. I should have told him h e double L NO! But had I done that I probably would still be stressed the heck out and still stuffing any and everything that I came across instead of dealing with it.

He has helped me help myself by being so annoying. I mean all his prying questions. His bad attitude. Sarcasm. His genuineness. All of these things gave me the push I needed to get up, dust myself off, lick my wounds and keep it moving. I wanted to plow down doors just so I didn't have to hear his bootleg analyzing of what my issues were. There were/are a lot of people who felt we were too close and well that could be true but even the fact that I would let someone get so close to me that others would comment is a testament of how much I have changed.

He was the right person for the job, bootleg and all.

I have been natural for 6 months and I can't believe it. I used to have to get a touch up every 4.5 weeks. I laugh every time I think about how "nappy" my hair was with a perm.. Look at me now, these waves will make you love me...no really.

I have grown so much with my hair. I still hate wet hair, but I see the world differently. I feel as spunky as each curl. I know that some days will be straight, uneventful, and others will be non-stop action with twist and turns every which way, and still some will start off uneventful and wind up being all over the place, and finally, some will just be rough around the edges because it be's that way sometime....kinda like my life : )

So enjoy the pics of me and my growth:

"Resilience is something that keeps me coming back for more...(yup a sucka for punishment) Endurance is something that keeps me staying the course (too headstrong to quit) and LUV is something that keeps me from killing those that have made my journey unpleasant at times (I secretly love my freedom)."

~Gotta Luv moi, I surely Do (smooches)

Just got it chopped off

Day 2 oooh look at them naps lol

2 months of growth

It's official, I bes that attorney...told yah I looked fly

Look at all that hair...

All Rise

2010-09-02T00:05:00.004-05:00

Hear Ye' Hear Ye' the month of September is going to be a month of celebration for Luv and what a way to kick off the month!

Today, Sept 1, 2010 I finally decided to make it 100% official and put that Esquire behind my name. Yup, today after 2 years of dragging my feet and trying to sort out the mess, I swore in as an attorney.

Next stop Supreme Court Justice...

... yeah, they ain't ready for me....I gave them 2 years to get ready and they still ain't ready. Oh, well, I can't wait any longer....the stage is almost set and I'm ready to take center stage.

"Sometimes in life, we will have to decide what's right for us and when it's right for us even if it's the unpopular choice, it's what separates the leaders from the puppets."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ps: I was the flyest thing in that court room #realtalk (pics soon come)

From Strip Tease to Butterball...

2010-08-29T14:45:00.003-05:00

Yup, Butterball Naked.. cuz I'm so Juicy I can't stand myself...(lol)

So you asked a question...and well you've asked this question a time or two before...I'm starting to think you are on to me...either that or you don't like my answers...hmm, either way I am gonna answer this question for the last time.

That's right, I'm gonna stop flashing you and disrobe already.

I know it shouldn't matter...that you shouldn't matter...but it does and you do. Not really in the grand scheme of things but for right now...in this here moment...it's critical that I see things as they are and not as ~~they should~~ I want them to be.

I know that my perception has been tainted and my heart has been harden. I know the spectacles I peer out of have been smudged by the filth I have encounter throughout my short life. I know that my experience is not common nor is it extraordinary. I know that I am like a faucet: hot and cold....but with the right mixture I can be warm. I can be balanced. I can find that middle ground that allows me to still love while being guarded enough to protect myself from those scumbags that are lurking, lying in wait, hoping, praying that I slip up...that I forget what dangers are out there waiting to devour me.

The problem with viewing the world through dirty glasses is that everything you look at becomes distorted...even you.

So when I looked in the mirror, a lot of what I saw ~~wasn't really there~~ shouldn't have been there. But because of where I had been, what I had been through, what I had seen, heard, felt...it was there...and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was hard to take in, so much so that I stopped looking. I covered mirrors, I avoided looking into anything that would show my reflection...it got to a point that I just walked with my head hung low or my eyes diverted downward...found a lot of loose change this way and also made friends with others in the same predicament.

The thing about hanging out with people who think and see things the way you do when you are down and out is this: advancement out of your rut is almost impossible. Everyone is just as disillusioned as you are.

So it matters because in my mind, you have on rosy colored glasses. You see things as half full (it really doesn't matter) and think every situation can potentially be a good situation. So, if you saw me the way that I initially saw myself then that would have been a devastating blow to my blueprint of advancement...to my growth...and yes, to my ego. (cuz I got a big ego)

If you thought I was ugly, worthless, a bad parent or unlovable I don't think I would have proceeded with my journey or tried as hard as I did to make great strides. I was counting on you to show me my true colors...to wipe away all the semi-permanent debris that had attached itself to my lens.

I was counting on you to tell me that my light was out and not only suggest that I turn it back on but for you to make me turn it to highbeams. (I shouldda did my background check in the beginning and not on the tail end...that would have saved me a whole lot of waiting and counting on)

So to put it plainly: I wanted to see the me that you saw because the visions stored in my head had to go, so what you thought, what you saw and what you said, mattered a great deal

"Birds of a feather flock together, just be careful that you aren't an eagle flying with pigeons."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

When It's All Said And Done

2010-08-27T23:40:00.004-05:00

I want what you want...

Some days I want it more than you...

And other days, not so much.

I want to be free!

Free from it all...

It's a reason I always smile when I go to Chele's blog. It's something about her tattoo that instantly reminds me what this journey is all about. Yes, it's about love. About Luv finding the love that ~~she needs~~ I need to maintain a balanced outlook on life. But, it's about so much more.

It's about me turning back the hands of time, trying to correct some wrongs, trying to lick some wounds, and bury some bones once and for all.

It's about me releasing some things that I had been hanging on to like my life depended on me being able to whip out the fragments of my heart at a moment's notice to prove that it had been broken.

It's about me choosing to change my ways...not because someone else said that I should but because I had decided that it was time... because I had decided to look in the mirror, into the windows to my soul and see what was really there and not alter or change my perception to make the experience more comfortable for me, or for those around me.

It's about me coming to terms with my Past....Healing my Present...So that I can receive my Future.

It's about me stepping forward on faith and nothing else and knowing that when the last post has been posted for this here blog that I will know without looking back to previous posts that it had all been worth it.

It's about me redefining who I am based on who I want to be in the Present and not who I was destined to be in the Past.

It's about love. That sweet, sweet feeling that will have you all knotted up when you think that you have pushed it away for the very last time and will have you smiling from ear to ear when you realize that it's come back to you stronger than ever.

It's about me peering into the faces of those that have hurt me, wronged me, deserted me, hated me, hated on me, used me and me not feeling obligated to feel anything but peace and joy. And possibly a lil pity because they are missing out on a good thing. Nope, a great thing. I am the best me there is....NO ONE can do what I do with what I do it with on a daily basis... I marvel at God's favor in my life and I am so thankful that I have realized how much He has blessed me before I closed my eyes for the last time.

See, I used to focus on what I didn't have, what I couldn't afford, what I wanted to do instead of being content with what I did have, what I could afford and what I had done. I don't think I have made more than 20,000 in a year yet; nevertheless, I have visited over 15 countries and purchased my first piece of property before I turned 25.

It's about me being comfortable in my own skin regardless of how uncomfortable the current situation may be...it's about me never feeling I have to dim my light because it's outshining those around me. It's about me being proud of my accomplishments and of my success. It's about me realizing that I deserve every little bit of the pie that I get.

It's about me feeling so secure in what I am bringing to the table that I don't even let the knuckleheads that ain't worthy of my time or my dime get a whiff of what I'm cooking with. It's about me knowing that I deserve the house, the fence, the garage, and the stay-at-home dad (I mean somebody gots to watch them kids)

It's simply about me doing me and doing the things that bring me joy.

So, when it's all said and done, I will have experienced so many blissful days that I won't even be able to remember what a bad day looked like, let along felt like.

"The ability to be me no matter the second, minute, nor hour is oh so freeing ~my freedom"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

3~ My Favorite Place

2010-08-27T21:13:00.003-05:00

It's something about this place that just soothes my spirit and calms my soul... I love me some it..and it loves me

I was unstoppable, unmovable, unshakable.....

I was happy, confident, and determined

I soared freely in this CITY...

This City knows how to keep the fat girl living inside of me happy at all times.

This City kinda reminds me of me, it has two extremes: a bitter winter and a scorching summer

This City prepared me for greatness and it will always be my home

And they ain't never lied.....

CHITOWN HOMIES ARE THE CRAZIEST!!!!

"Sometimes holding on to the Past helps you remember that what once was, can be again..."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

2 ~Your Aspirations

2010-08-26T12:59:00.004-05:00

I know it's probably weird that I chose to do this challenge backwards, but I wanted to go through the deep stuff first cuz I aspire to be emotionally full before 2011 sneaks in...

And for me that means tackling the hard, heavy, make you pause and ponder for a moment or two, situations head on.

I have a lot of things in the works. I am setting my stage for greatness, but before I can take my place at center stage, I must, I must, I must shake off these last couple of shackles that are holding me in bondage, depriving me of my total freedom.

I aspire to be totally open with myself at all times regardless of how it makes me feel. I aspire to process my emotions in a more healthy manner. I aspire to own a house big enough for me to hide from Chucky and CsB (if she still here). I aspire to launch an organization that will help eradicate some of the atrocities I see today. (haha, that said a lot and at the same time nothing). I aspire to become a better parent...even though I tell my child that I am the best, I am not. I have a lot of areas that need improvement, and well I am down (or is it up) for the challenge.

I aspire to be the love that I am searching for...

I aspire to swing through life like it's been handed to me on a silver platter even when my world has been turned upside down.

"The difference between aspiring and achieving is taking the next step...forward movement."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

1 ~ Allow Me 2 Introduce Myself

2010-08-24T20:31:00.004-05:00

(yup I have finally found the challenge and decided to do it, but I am going to do it in reverse, only switching #1 with #30)

My name is LUV...it used to be Later4 LUV, but now that I am actively seeking love, I had to do a Common and drop the Later4.

I am transitioning, transforming, reinventing, tossing out, and making anew. I am defining who I am and what I am while silencing all the lil voices around me that are trying to deposit their two cents into my life without being asked.

I am really a lover...not a fighter, but I have had to fight all my life and in turn, bury my loving side. I am in the process of growing up that scared little girl that resides in me.

I am a writer a baker a cook a mother a sister a daughter an aunt I am the best friend a person could ask for I am a procrastinator I am a motivator I am an early bird I am a homebody I am a crier I am a hugger I am perfectly imperfect

I have been through a lot and that has shaped and defined my story, but now I am ready to start shaping and defining my own story.

"Circumstances and experiences are the results of choices, I made some poor choices which lead to some very unpleasant experiences and uncomfortable circumstances, my setbacks are the fuel that is launching this comeback ~choices"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Updates, Rants, Vents, Etc...

2010-08-20T00:20:00.003-05:00

I am a star...

Yup, a Supastar. I had forgotten this...but now that it's back on my heart and in my mind, I am gonna hold on tight to it.

I have been moving and a shaking and a shaking and a moving AND crying. Yes, lawd, I have been crying and it feels good. It feels good to be able to release those toxins. Next big challenge is to cry in front of CQP...we shall see..

I have been successful with keeping up with my outward transformations. I am more comfortable now with applying makeup to this already gorgeous face. I still am however trying to figure out how to keep it from running down my face when I sweat. I am still not a huge fan of makeup but, I don't totally hate it any more. So I have made it my goal to apply some type of color to my face at least twice a week. I still have been accessorizing... as much as I can. My ears started to react to my earrings ~ see I am allergic to everything but solid gold but I can only afford chinastore gold...so I had been coating the earrings with clear polish which normally works, I guess it may be time to apply another coat.

I have been wearing my feet out despite all that chatter that my PIC has been keeping up. This is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait until next summer. Them bad boys gonna have a fierce tan they gonna be out so much.

I am in the process of setting my schedule up for the upcoming school year. I have decided that I am really gonna focus to spend more face time with my child. I am really going to make sure he understands he is a priority in my life. I am also going to have to limit my time on my various social networks. It's getting out of hand for me. So, I will only FB and Tweet before 6:30 pm, after that it's a wrap. I will be busy with prepping dinners and doing homework and getting caught up on personal enrichment like personal study and reading, in between running from this practice to the next.

I have faced a lot of roadblocks and I know that I am so much better for facing them than stuffing them or avoiding them. I have changed so much. I know that I am not the same person I was when I started this blog and I know that I will definitely not be the same person when I finish.

I am setting the stage for my greatness. I am preparing myself for my King. I am enjoying my life and taking time out to smell the roses and enjoy sunsets. I am living!

"Sometimes the only thing you can do in life is to 'just keep swimming' and hope that when it's all said and done that even if you went 'over' when you were supposed to go 'through' that it all turned out A-okay in the end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Half-a-dozen In One

2010-08-18T12:10:00.005-05:00

..... And 6 in the other

People are always going to see things differently. I can't control that...and well, I am not going to worry about it. I can't. This isn't about them, they can't walk in my shoes. They can't give me that time back. They can't heal me. They can't make me whole. And sadly, they may never understand where I am coming from, or where I need to go.

I want to be free....I shall be free!

So, I contacted the RAPIST. It's so releasing to say those words. And to say them to the person that caused me to hate all men, women, children, living and non-living things...what a rush. Not like walking around the rim of "that big hole," but a rush nonetheless.

I really had nothing prepared....had no expectations outside of that I didn't want to run. I didn't want to shy away from whatever I was feeling in the moment. I wanted to know, without having to question over and over years from now, that I was okay with this. That I wasn't selling myself a wooden nickel. I mean if I am going to do this journey and revisit all the hurts, pains, truths, etc, I might as well do it 110% or there is no reason for me to do it.

When I said I was sick and tired of being in this rut and finding myself back in the same valley with the same bitter, never-want-to-see-anyone-get-ahead people, I meant it. I am tired of being handed the same test and receiving the same grade. I am READY for the next course.

So it has taken me 10 years to get the validation that I needed to be at peace with myself...but I have it. It wasn't so much in the words he spoke, because that joker needs some help. He needs God's mercy. He needs to pray that I NEVER stop walking with God. But it was something about him admitting that he raped me...something about him saying the words that caused the dams to my soul to erupt.

I knew I had been raped. I knew I had said, 'no.' I knew that he had heard me. I knew that I didn't lead him on. I knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that....but there was this twinge of doubt. This spot of uncertainty...because why would someone be so cruel to me when I had never done anything to them. So, maybe I had consented and not realized it...maybe I just felt guilty about giving in and wanted to ease my conscience...maybe...I don't know...but the fact that my mind wasn't buying into the madness let me know that there was no maybe nothing!

Listening to this fool pluck at straws and trying to turn the tables and have me made to be the culprit was...I don't know... Most of the time I didn't even have any feelings. I was so detached and so in awe and so stuck on the fact that all this time I had been stuck and afraid and doubtful and so not myself for someone and something that was so not worth avoiding for ten years. I mean here it was this joker was telling me AFTER I told him that I had hated myself instead of him for ten years for allowing him to rape me that he had been thinking about me, wondering what happened to us, and now he was hoping that we could work on being something.

PAUSE...yeah you read right.

This fool went on and on about how he had a right to redeem himself....to work things out... to make amends...to make things right...and that I owed it to OUR dead son to give him that chance. That I was brought back into his life for a reason and he was willing to do whatever he could right now in the present to make it right...to restore our relationship. And after I laughed at him, he switched it and said that I was wrong because I messed with his brother. I was wrong that I kept it from him that I was pregnant with his child. That I was wrong for rolling in his shop and playing his face in front of his boys and then playing his face on the street the next day. That I had him thinking all these years that he was crazy.

I am thinking that this ninja should know without a doubt that he is 10 shakes pass crazy if he thinks I owed him anything beside a bullet to his head...either one.

I may never ever get complete closure but what I got is enough to let this wound finally close and heal properly. I have taken that scab off for the last time...and the tears that flowed the moment I disconnected the call let me know that I am more than okay...I am like Johnny 5; I Am Alive! The fact that I wanted and acknowledged that I wanted to be comforted by the human touch...human voice and not by baking soda let me know that I am ready to trust and ready to let all sorts of people in. The fact that I could not get in touch with anyone and that I still didn't "take to the box," let's me know that I am ready to release myself from that addiction. The fact that I did not shy away from what I felt or mince my words or take on any of the exchange of energy he was trying to throw at me, let me know that this growth that everyone is seeing isn't a fad. The fact that I got up this morning after only 2 hours of sleep with a smile on my face and a pep in my step, let's me know that I am finally free of that valley and I am anxiously awaiting my ascent to the top of the mountain cuz I have truly found my wings with this long overdue dose of FREEDOM.

"Sometimes you have to stand in the fire in order to put it out, suffering minor injuries, while saving your life."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

This Is Dedicated to You ~ Slim Bucket

2010-08-14T19:19:00.002-05:00

For almost 11 years now, I have been hating myself instead of hating you.

Hating you for all that you put me through.

Hating you for all that you took from me.

Hating you for what you made me become.

Hating you for being the dirt bag, slime bucket that you are.

But today, I want to thank you. Today, I have to thank you...it's only right. Because of you, I really know who I am and what I am made of.

I remember everything about that night; even after all the nights of me trying to erase it from my mind...trying to change the events...trying to make it so everything would be right...would be fine in my world. But things weren't fine. Things weren't right.....

I wasn't fine.

I wasn't right.

But, it wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong. You did. You not only violated and betrayed me, but you destroyed my trust. And for the longest time, I thought you had broken me. That the me who I was, was dead and gone. And to a certain extent, that is true, cuz now I am stronger, I am wiser, I am standing, and I am here. And I am better than I was before.

I know without a doubt that God did not make me to be broken. I have faced the 'worse' thing that could happen to me, and I am still going. Yeah, it made me stumble, and I sat down on the ground, and I wanted to stay there...but God wouldn't let me...my journey was not done...I still had a story to tell....I still had a life to live.

But, I was still being me..still trying to sort out the blame..still trying to be in control...still trying to go through the motions like everything was okay...still refusing to release myself from the blame and shame that I owned that so rightfully belonged to you.

But no more.

I want to thank you for being the coward you were because I pray that after 11 years you have also grown. I want to thank you for taking away my fear of men that had been thrust upon almost as violently as the fear was taken away. I want to thank you, for had it not been for your sickness, I would never really know what type of person I really am...I also wouldn't have been prepared to handle my child's situation.

I am more than a victim.

I am more than a survivor.

I am the captain of my ship and I choose to sail on and focus on the silver lining and blue skies in front of me.

"Even in the midst of destruction, persecution, trials and tribulations, failures, and victimization one can find beauty and a reason to keep pushing, and not give in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What's Love Got To Do With It

2010-08-11T20:41:00.005-05:00

I think Tina said it best, "Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?"

I have been trying to blog but my internet connection keeps going down and every time it comes back up, something else is on my heart to blog about. So instead of blogging about my unmet emotional needs, I'm gonna talk about love and how this new fangle thing being categorized as love is driving peeps over the edge.

So today at work I was informed that Ms. Tasia had ~~possibly~~ tried to kill herself. It was really eerie for me because I was feeling some kinda way today. My heart was heavy and I don't know why...it could be cuz I had to fuss with Chucky all the way to his drop off point for camp. I just don't know. Or cuz some of my family are showing their tails on Facebook. But anywho, when I got to work, I logged onto Pandora and my Usher station was playing and I was like, 'I ain't feeling him today...today I need some Tasia' and it was while I was listening to her that my coworker asked if I had heard the news. I must have googled and read over 50 articles before it sunk in...she was gonna end it over a guy..or his wife..

Now I ain't judging her, I am feeling her. I have been there before. I have been so down and out and so head over heals for a piece of man that when I saw the trees without all the smoke, I was devastated...I was so emotionally and mentally drained from the relationship and everything that was going on in my life that I was just tired and was like death has to be better then this. It was like I couldn't win for trying. I was bad off if I did and bad off if I didn't.

I remember the first time I had the privilege to see Ms. Tasia live and got to meet her. It was at her final DC performance in the Color Purple. I remember how out of all the people reaching for her, she came up to me and embraced me. I remember our conversation...me asking her to drop another album because I was going through some things.. I told her last albums helped me get through some rough times...I told her that she needed to do another relationship song about leaving someone that ain't right for you but you steady wanting to go back. I remember telling her how pretty she was and asking how on earth she ever thought she was ugly.. I remember her smile and her eyes swelling up like mine. I remember her embracing me one last time before her bodyguards took her away. Then I told y'all how she song to ~~Celie~~ me at her Richmond concert.

So it's safe to say that I feel a connection with her. Actually her performance of I Am Beautiful and I Am Here in the play is what moved me to start this journey of self-love, self-discovery, and self-worth. She has helped me in ways I will never be able to explain....helped me to see what love and beauty really is...

I have learned that love does not hurt, it does not hold grudges, it does not place on pedestals, it does not judge, it does not place blame, and it surely doesn't break hearts.

"Just because it looks like LOVE and feels like LOVE doesn't mean that it is LOVE. LOVE mends broken hearts and broken wings, allowing us to love and fly again."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Letting it Flow

2010-08-08T20:45:00.005-05:00

And letting it go......

It's a scary kind of refreshing, to just not really care about the small stuff. You know the stuff that makes you second guess and question everything.

You know the stuff that ends friendships and destroys marriages....

Stuff that if kept in will have you popping lots and lots of pills before you are old...

Yup, that's the kinda stuff I have been discarding from my life. And it's funny cuz some of the stuff I had to step out of the 'limelight' to do. You know, I had to leave my surroundings and the "imaginary" glaring eyes to do.

So when I tell you this road trip was good for me, it was good for me. I am at peace with a lot of things. I see some things a lot clearer. I made some leaps and bounds. I had been transforming for a minute, but the fact that I changed my surroundings allowed me to make some transformations rather quickly without being under the scrutiny or watchful eye of my posse'.

I didn't have to hear, 'oh, look at you, is that this or that you wearing or got on?' I just did it and got to decide for myself whether I liked or did not like the transformation. And since no one outside of the four that traveled with me, knew me, the responses I received from them were at least based on nothing I had done in the Past.

I had never been a girly girl, and to tell you the truth, I still ain't. I used to hate any and everything associated with being a girly girl: glitter, makeup, purses, accessories, if Barbie has it, I hate it (except Ken, I love me some Ken).

Well, the entire time I was away, I wore some type of makeup (yup, sure did). Now I ain't saying that I always looked on point, cuz some days it looked like I was a Vegas act, but, it was a learning experience and I felt good regardless of how it looked to me....and the fact that I was hit on several times everyday, I am guessing it wasn't that bad. I also wore accessories, even went out and bought some while on my trip. I have to be honest, I am not really feeling the bows in the hair, but I will give it a few more tries before I bail. I have also been wearing my feet out with a fresh pedicure, even got designs on the big toes. I am soooo against designs on my feet, just cause more people to look at your toes...but I did it and guess what...I liked it. With each passing day, my feet looked less and less like bear claws and more like regular ole feet.

Since I have been home, I have been keeping up with the self-motivated make-over and let me tell you, it has paid off. I have found myself in situations where I was glad that I didn't look like I had just rolled out of bed...like the time I went to my child's camp and this 23 yr old with a body like #whoa was all in my face....then some of the officers who were throwing a cookout at the camp made sure I got what I wanted first. But the true test will be this week, cuz it's back to work and back to my old environment, and well, you know some habits die hard....

But I didn't come this far to just roll over and play dead!

"Sometimes you have to allow yourself space and time to change and grow...sometimes you have to go somewhere new to get that fresh start you are looking for."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Why Do Good Things Have To Come To An End

2010-08-06T01:00:00.009-05:00

Life is funny...well at least my life. It seems as if every time I learn a lesson, my knowledge and skill sets are put to test, immediately. So just a couple of days ago, I learned and lived the lesson that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself and that sometimes I have to sit in uncomfortableness to free myself from bondage.

Well not even a week later, I am going to have to prove that I am okay with sitting in my own uncomfortableness and that I am really willing to push through it to get to the other side: freedom.

I don't know. Well, I do know, but I don't want to do what I know I have to do. I want him to continue holding and guiding me by the hand. I want him to continue to spoil me with unlimited access (not) and what I hope is genuine concern. I want to keep him in my life cuz he makes it okay for me to sleep without a nightlight. I want to keep him cuz it allows me to be lazy when I am tired of trying. I want to keep him cuz well secretly I love him. Not like a woman loves a man...well maybe.. but just like I love him...probably like how I love my ACE, cuz I know he gots my back.

And maybe that's it, I know that he has my back and well, I miss having someone close by that is really supportive of me that has nothing to gain. He doesn't really gain from me succeeding...actually, he would probably benefit more if I didn't. But nonetheless, it seems as if we have reached a crossroad where I can no longer lean on him as a crutch.

It's bittersweet. I won't lie. I want to find an excuse, any excuse to keep him near but, I know it is time for me to walk a little on my own. I don't like it...not one bit, but I know that I am stronger...I am better...I am ready for whatever..I just wasn't ready for this...but it's safe to say I wasn't ready for his introduction into my life either...such is life.

"Life isn't fair, sometimes it's down right cruel, but seeing how we are only get one life to live, it's better to roll with the punches than waste time complaining about how and when they coming."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do ( smooches)

Stepping Pass Uncomfortable

2010-08-05T22:52:00.004-05:00

So I stood at the edge of the hole...no not like these fools. I stood at an edge where if I stumbled, got woozy, tripped, or just plain on fainted, somebody, anybody could possibly have a chance of reaching over and saving me.

I am was afraid of heights. Something I inherited from my mother...and when I say inherited, I mean thrust upon me; I think the same way it was thrust upon her and so on and so forth.

Well, let me tell you, when I got off that bus and stood at the edge and look out into the Grand Canyon, I was in awe...it was humbling...but then as I began to walk the path, I began to hear a voice in the back of my head tell me that I wasn't safe and that I should be scared... and with each step up the trail, it whispered that I should not only be scared but that I should be PETRIFIED... and well for a moment ( a good moment) I listened to this voice and I started feeling my legs get weak and I retreated off the path into the woods...guess what, this put me higher than when I was just walking the path...there was a point where I was actually on all four (praying nobody photographed me). And then it happened...

Girl the voice started screaming 'you gonna fall, your child gonna fall, everybody gonna fall, you not safe, go back' and Honey, let me tell you, I wanted to go back down the path, but that would mean, um literally going down the path and I figured going down would be worse than going up and plus I was already more than half the way to the next pit stop. I looked around and nobody, I mean nobody was falling. Not even the idiots that should have fell. You know the ones who had left the path to stand on the edge of the rocks and who were bouncing literally on the edge.

Well, it took me a second to convince myself to stand up, but I got back to standing on twos. I then told myself, outloud, "You can do this..You can overcome this...There is nothing to fear but fear itself." And then I took a step and another and another..and there were moments where I was a little shaky and moments where I had to stop and regather myself, but I was determined to finish what I had started. The more I talked to myself, the more I drowned out that little voice. And the more I drown it out, the less afraid I became. Sure, I was very uncomfortable being over 8,000 feet in the air on top of a big hole with no guard rails, but, I was no longer paralyzed by fear. There were even moments where I snuck a couple of peeps over the edge, and guess what?

I am Still Standing and still moving forward!

"Sometimes we have to experience brief uncomfortableness to free ourselves from a lifetime of fear and pain....pushing through and pushing forward and loving it."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Guess I Am In Good Company

2010-07-25T21:27:00.005-05:00

I've been busy y'all. Busy living and loving, and loving and living. And it feels good. Each day I am excited to see what new thing I am going to discover about me...or better yet, what new things someone else is going to notice about me. I feel like a new person since I have been doing all this purging. I feel like a weight has been lifted since I have exposed MOST of my sins...can't tell it all, oh the Po-Pos will be knocking at my door.

It's funny how much of the old me is turning up in this new woman I am transforming into...So much of the me that I missed that I thought was dead. I don't have many vices. I am pretty much a homebody. I would rather shoot the bo-bo and watch movies with my inner circle than go out all night partying. UNLESS it is my school's homecoming, then LUV gets it in. I will go out and shake it like nobody's business. I still don't really drink...I ain't afraid nor ashamed to say I can't hold my liquor. Chucky and CsB probably can hold their liquor better than me. Imma have to bring wine coolers back...but even that's too strong.

I like to eat good food. I like to laugh even if it's at myself. I like good chocolate cuz yes there is some nasty chocolate in this world. I like to play games (cards, dominoes, board games, Wii). And I like to go to plays and concerts. I love good music. I used to treat myself to a concert at least once a year...depending on who was coming to town, sometimes two.

But somewhere along the way, I stopped being good to myself. I stopped doing things for myself and I missed that...I can't say it is a finance thing cuz money has always been funny over here. So a couple of months ago, I took myself to see Monica, and she sang her tail off...had me in there remembering why I loved live performances so much. Well, the other day, I took myself to see Ms. Fantasia. I drove the 2 hours to Richmond in 5 hours (don't even ask) got there to find out that it was going to be outside (it was 103 degrees) and I was in a dress (looking good for myself) and my cousin's friend didn't bring me a chair like she said she was (yeah, I won't be inviting her to join me again) and the hat I brought only served to help me look like I was set to pick cotton. (hello Celie)

To say that I was perturbed would be an understatement. I could feel my head start to tighten and not just cuz I was losing what looked like a gallon of water from my body by the minute. I hate being unprepared. But, right before I was getting ready to move from agitated to pissed off, I reminded myself that I had a choice to make and depending on the choice I made, it would determine how good of a time I had seeing one of my favorite singers.

Let's just say I am soooooooo glad that I made the choice to #makeitdowhatitdo and have a great time inspite of all of my challenges. My not having a chair made it easier for me to get up to the stage to be close and personal with Ms. Tasia who said she wasn't coming out on stage until they removed the gates cuz 'she wasn't into segregating her people' (i know that's right) and my choice also made it easier for Ms. Tasia to grab my hand and hold it for awhile as she sang this song, while watching the tears run down my doublecrispy face (cuz at 10:00 pm it was 100 degrees outside)

This is one of my favorite songs off her upcoming album...

"Sometimes in life we lose sight of the fact that we didn't come into this world walking or running, that there are stages and processes for everything, and no one but God is immune from having to learn how to do something, cuz even angels have to receive instructions on how to do their job...so when you crawling, remember, you are in good company."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Pushing Pride to the Wayside

2010-07-23T07:51:00.005-05:00

Today is the day that I am throwing her all the way out the window, cuz Pride will make you lose your mind up in here up in here. Pride will have you go hungry for months. Pride will make you do a job that you really aren't skilled to do. Pride will make you abuse your kids instead of giving them up. Pride will make you suffer in silence instead of getting help. Pride will make you stay in a loveless marriage. Pride will make you give up on your dreams to live somebody else's. Pride is the sin that did a whole lot of people in......

And well, PRIDE, I am about to take away your power and dismiss you from my life.

I am was in therapy because my son needed to be in therapy. But the truth of the matter is, I should have been in therapy BECAUSE I needed to be in therapy. I needed to unleash all that stuff I had been stuffing for 30+ years (yeah, I know, I look good for my age, it's true, black don't crack) and I needed to unload it in the worst way. Honey, bags?!?! I had army trunks that I was dragging behind me. I didn't need to worry about missing my bus, I was moving so slow that I wasn't making it off the block, let alone to the bus stop.

I had too much "stuff" with me. No wonder I was attracting these deadbeat, goodfornothing, low lifes. (calling a spade a spade cuz honey I dated a homelessman, as my PIC always like to remind me) Them bums knew that I couldn't get away, that I had too much stuff to even think about running. They knew I was so weighed down with all my crap that I wasn't even going to fight them off...I had been dragging that mess for too long.

NEWSFLASH: most of that crap is gone, and I realized that 90% of it didn't even belonged to me, and in the midst of sorting through all of this crap, I found my favorite pair of Air Nikes, and they still fit...I'mma a beast on the track, will make you think I trained with Flo Jo....lowlifes can't catch what that can't see.

I have been hurt by a lot of people. I have let a lot of people into my circle that were not deserving to have a ticket to any of my events. I have had funny colored letters come in the mail informing that this or that was gonna be cut off. And true to their word, some of those things did happen. I have sat in the dark without food (sometimes cuz I was too bogged down to go buy food or go pay my light bills and sometimes cuz I didn't have the money to do either) I have been kicked out of a wedding because I didn't know how to tell them that even though I was honored and thrilled to be their Maid of Honor, I didn't have the money to get my dress. I have hurt people on purpose. I have hurt people on accident. I have had my wages garnished by the IRS. I have had several liens placed on my house. (hah, in this market, when do you think I will get a chance to sell? So lien with it and rock with it...I don't care) I have stayed in the company of negative people simply because I felt obligated to be there. I have had a fungal disease that has taken years to get a handle on (thanks Xavier University) I have bleed through my clothes a many of times in public. I have hated myself. I have wanted to end it all. I have hit rock bottom on several occasions. I have thought about having an abortion. I have suffered in silence in depression. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of and that I hid....

But, I am human. I have fallen, been pushed, knocked down on NUMEROUS occasions, but I have now chosen to get BACK UP.

I am here.

And I am loving it!

"Just because it seems like it, doesn't mean it is. Everyone has their share of dirt on their hands, some just know how to blend it in."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

My Sunshine Has Come....

2010-07-21T21:07:00.003-05:00

and life is oh, so good...nope, it's GREAT!

And ain't nothing changed but my outlook on life. I'm still over here rubbing 2 nickels together praying they will turn into two quarters. I feel amazing, and I know I have more pep in my step cuz I am causing traffic jams and accident from all the gauking.

I am finally realizing that I hold the key to my own happiness. I can be happy and be alone. i can be happy and be in a room full of people, with all their pretentious ways and still be happy.

I can be happy and be poor. I can be happy! Wow, even I can be happy despite all that I have endured...endurance, that is a trait a lot of us have to cultivate cuz God is not going to deliver us out of everything.

I have resolved each day to choose something that I want to do differently, not that I SHOULD do differently...

And today I choose to see the world differently...see it as filled with people just like me trying to make it to the next level, trying to make it all make sense for them, trying to keep their head above water...and for that I choose to exercise a little more patience; not only with the people that I meet, but also, with myself because NO ONE is perfect.

And with that I shall find that I have more time to smile and be happy than to frown and be mad.

"I have the power to be happy, it's up to me to choose whether to exercise this power, for happiness truly is a state of mind."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

What My Father Didn't Teach Me

2010-07-19T15:19:00.004-05:00

is haunting me....
tormenting me...
teasing me...
frustrating me...

My father never thought me how a man is supposed to love a woman and how a woman is supposed to love a man. As a matter of fact, he didn't teach me much, and the things he did teach me, he did so inadvertently. When I look back over my life, I don't have many memories that include my father, good or bad.

I remember a time or two when he let me dance on his shoe...but it was only after my uncle had let me dance on his. I don't remember him ever hugging me or telling me he loved me or that he cared...probably because he didn't. I think he became too consumed with trying to be a provider to remember that he was also supposed to be a protector and teacher.

I learned a lot of things from watching him. I learned that drowning your sorrows in liquor wasn't a good look. I learned that if you made your bed hard you would have to eventually lie in it. I learned that people are cruel and evil for no reason at all. I learned how I did not want to be treated and what I would not tolerate from not just a man but from anyone....

I learned that I must be unlovable if my own father did not love me.

I remember when my uncle died...I remember thinking, 'who will love me now.' My uncle wasn't a great man...nothing extraordinary about him, but he loved me and I loved him. He told me he loved me all the time. He would hug and kiss me and shower me with affection. He protected me, even from my father. He gave me money. It was like I was the moon and the stars to him. He left me when I needed him the most. I had to go through my preteen and teenage years without anyone reaffirming my beauty and my worth. It was as if Cinderella had lost both glass slippers and her fairy godmother.

I remember the first time a guy showed me attention. I was so scared I beat him up. That was 5th grade. In 9th grade, I hid under a car...10th, behind a trash dumpster. Adulthood, I just hide behind whatever mask I have up at the moment and for the most part, I am emotionally unavailable.

But, I want to change that...the more I love me, the more I want someone else to love me. To hold me...To kiss me...To cover me with warm embraces and shower me with tender affection.

I just don't know how...or where to began...I get so scared when someone is in my space for too long...makes me uneasy...got me giving them the side-eye... in my head I be like 'take whatever it is you gonna take from me and be gone.'

But that's the old me...and last time I looked, that me didn't have a man.

I am ready y'all. I am willing and I am able...now I just have to learn the lesson.

"Sometimes we have to go back to the beginning in order for us to reach our end."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Getting Out of My Head....

2010-07-18T15:07:00.002-05:00

.......AND OUT OF MY OWN WAY!!!!!

I have been "head blogging" for a minute now which has caused me to DOUBLE POST. (Kanye triple posts..lol)

Oh, well, such is life. This is my space, so if you don't like it, I am sure you know where the "next" button is.

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. I was on facebook and one of my old homies changed his status to something about "if you missed it before, here's your chance to ask any question you want and I will answer truthfully."

So me, being me, I inboxed him and asked "Are you gay?" Now, I have never ever thought he was gay. He was too much of a whore in highschool for the thought to ever cross my mind. I just wanted to mess with him and to see what his off-based, off-colored, out of order response was going to be?

And his response ...well let's just say that I am glad he didn't go into detail on why he liked the female genitalia. He then asked me, why I asked him that...did I think he was gay. Of course I told him that I was just messing with him and that I even had another question that I was going to ask him but..um I didn't ask it.

I choked. Well it wasn't that I choked as much as I wasn't sure I would be able to digest the response had it been negative; therefore I chose a question that would not jeopardize my well-being in any way. So yeah I choked. So to make up for me choking I asked him if he wanted to return the favor and ask me anything and I would answer honestly.

So, he asks me if I wrote in his senior yearbook in a purple pen. WTW? Um, I don't know. Which is weird cuz I have a beastly memory. So I tell him, "I don't know...what did it say?" He responses..."some freaky stuff" WTW.. Now I am frantically trying to remember if it was me and if so, what did I write, but um, in high school I was pretty much like I am now when it comes to freakiness I KEEPS IT ON THE LOW so I wouldn't have out-ed myself like that...esp in high school. I was still proud to be president of the V Club. So I tell him, "if it was freaky it probably wasn't me..but why you think to ask?" His response, "because I remembered you like purple"

And guess what yall, I did and I still do. Who knew he paid so much attention to me. I mean some of the Faithful Ten don't even know about my love affair with purple...or rather they choose to forget. I mean this was my boy. We ran with the same gang so we were cool. And I was a tomboy, so yeah we were doubly cool.

The thing is, I used to have a crush on him and never told him because of how I thought he and everyone else viewed me. I thought his response would have been the same as that skinny peg head Snoop dog rejectl ookalike (sorry having a moment). So I never told him or showed it. Even though I thought at times that he was feeling me. But now I was curious to know...just as I was curious to know when I first saw his status and went to ask him before my nerves got the best of me....

I looked at our back and forth and I said to myself, "Luv, we are changing...we are growing.. we are moving out of our own way, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes us feel. What does it matter what his response is now to something that took place a decade ago.. You don't want him now AND he married with 3 kids, so he bet not want you. It is time to step pass fear."

So I FB'd back "did you use to have a crush on me?" and I pressed send. There was nothing to do but wait, or not. Before I could decide what to do and let fear paralyze my heart, his response was delivered to my inbox.

And low and behold if he didn't admit that he did have a crush on me and that "they" thought I was cute but that I was a good girl and that "they" didn't want to ruin me or bring me down to their level.

WTW...you mean all this time I had been going around thinking that dudes weren't approaching me because they thought I was ugly AND they really wasn't approaching me because of the standards that I set for myself and maintained? You mean that dudes really can tell your worth and will respect it when you respect it first? You mean that a lot of this pain, anguish, and frustration I have experienced since high school could have been avoided had I just held onto my standards and stayed out of my head?

For my word..

"Sometimes we can be the cause of our greatest downfall."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Dear God

2010-07-18T14:16:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what your plan is for me. Sometimes I wonder if you really, really love me. I look back over my life and Sum Tymes, I Wanna Cry. I want to cry for a childhood that I will never know. I want to cry for the people who really loved me being taken away from me when I wasn't ready to let them go. I want to cry for never feeling like I belonged....anywhere. I want to cry for being born into confusion and chaos. I want to cry for never really having anyone around to fight for me when I was tired of fighting for myself. I want to cry just cause I don't even really know how to cry any more. Sometimes I think I used up the best parts of me trying to get through all of the foolishness that surrounded me.

My life is changing..it's coming full circle..and when I think about my life and compare them with the last 10, I realize this: The last decade was hell not because of what I went through but because I did not have you. I was mad at the world and most importantly, I was mad with you. I thought you owed me something, instead of realizing that I owed you. Before, even in my darkest hour, you always gave me something to smile about, something to hold on to, something to push forward to, something...never allowing me to give up even when that seemed to be the popular option.

I have been so focused on the bad, that I have been blind to the good. I have seen the people who have done me wrong, which has overshadowed the people that have done me right.

I am changing; therefore things around me are changing.

I am excited and I am scared. I have known success and I have known failure. I have known praise and I have known ridicule. I have known righteousness and I have known darkness. I have done things that many only dream of and things that still haunt me in my dreams.

But, nevertheless, I am ready to move forward. I am ready for my forever. I am ready to be molded so that you can reveal your master plan. I am ready to stop standing in the way of my own happiness.

On Sept. 1st, I will complete a process, a process that has taken 2 years because of many things and because of nothing at all. Three days later, I will celebrate the anniversary of the day that rocked mine and my child's world. And celebrate I will because who knows if I would have grown so much in LOVE in such a short time, but for that day.

I am ready for the next phase and it's process....

"A closed fist doesn't get fed...sometimes we block our blessings simply because we aren't open to receiving them. Sometimes we have to stop focusing on all the people that have done us wrong and all the things that have gone bad in order to see all the people that have our back and to see all the things that go right."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

I Want To Love You...The Right Way

2010-07-15T22:48:00.003-05:00

But I don't know how.

I mean I can see it clearly in my head. I know all the things to say. I know how to let you lead and can you believe, I actually willingly follow?

I want to shower you with kisses and warm embraces. I want to sit on your lap and listen to your day. I want to let you go where only few have been before. I want to give you my heart and not second guess it. I want to...I want to... I really, really want to.

But I can't.

I am not there. I know this...I don't like this, but I know this. The process isn't complete. I haven't learned to completely and fully love me. I am loving me, but there are still some hard spots I need to rub out. And, well, I am rubbing, and I am smoothing.

I know that the fact that I want you lets me know that I am raising the bar, that I am seeing my worth and that I am almost there. I know that you may not be what God has in store for me, but I hope it's something close.

Since meeting you, I have evolved, I have challenged, I have pushed beyond what is comfortable and when I wasn't looking, I also fell and this scares me. It petrifies me for so so so many reasons and well, that's how I know I am not ready. Even though I want to be.

I am scared not cuz it's you, I can live with that. I am scared because I never wanted to be in this place again. Never wanted to have my emotions go forward without my consent. Never wanted to feel giddy and unsure. Mad and glad at the same time. I never wanted my heart to know the song of hurt again.

See, I am not ready. None of this has to do with you. It has to do with me facing my fears. It has to do with me letting go of the past, and letting go of it's hurt. It has to do with me going forward and believing that I can achieve the impossible and be happy and successful at it. It has to do with me believing that it was meant for me to be loved...unconditionally and supported.

there is so much I want to say but it's best to let it stay unspoken but my heart penned this and well since it's already written, I might as well share:

how do i tell you that i love you when i don't even know you
how do i tell you that you fill me up when you have yet to touch me
how do i tell you all the things piling up in my heart and head without sounding out of touch
how do i continue to look at you and pretend that i do not care

my heart skips a beat
i become concerned about my hair...
my feet, my teeth...
even the clothes that i wear
i wonder if you see me
or are you looking thru me
or possibly around me

i wonder if the tables were turned
and the shoes were switched
if i would have such restraint
i wonder a lot of things
and become frustrated

cuz there is no one to share my thoughts dreams aspirations with,
with regards to this
i sense you pulling away
so you must know
this frustrates me even more
i know i should have never re-opened that door

private, sweet dreams.... (luv '2010)

"Love is always patiently waiting...are we patiently waiting on love?"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Slow Down & Live

2010-07-14T20:28:00.002-05:00

Stop the races.

Throw out the schedules.

Walk, don't run....

Inhale...(that's breathe in) and Exhale (you got it, breathe out)

Now Pause, and do the 'Gangsta Clap' ( am I the only grown folk who gets really happy when they get to 'gangsta clap' with a large group of people?)

But seriously, lately I have been feeling like I am so over-booked, over-worked, over-scheduled, and oh so, over-my-head in/with everything. And typically when I start to feel this way, panic takes over. I become frantic and start doing things just to check them off my list. For example, I may need to wash 8 loads of clothes (on a good day) and in frantic mode I would just throw them in the washer and dryer without sorting or taking out the hang-to-dry and then well, you know what happens: colors bleed together and clothes shrink and now I am more frantic and upset than when I started cuz I have ruined clothes that I didn't have to ruin.

I have been feeling rushed. My child is in summer school so I have to get up in the morning drop Chucky's Bride off at daycare, take Chucky to one school to get breakfast then take Chucky to his school for summer school, go to work, leave work, pick up Chucky, race him to camp, race back to park my car, race for the train so that I can race back to work, once back at work, race to play catch up with any work, then leave work, race to get Chucky's Bride and then to get Chucky, then race to football practice, then race to make dinner, then race to sleep...and then I get up and race through it all over again.

Can you say TIRED? That's probably an understatement.

So, I have been in a funk probably since summer school has started because I do not like being late. And, I do not like having my day interrupted in the middle. And, I do not like feeling rushed.

And well, I don't like being in funks.. well, not as of late, so I decided to do something about it. I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. (no, i am not crazy)

I was like chile, why are you running around with this attitude and so mad at Chucky..what's done is done. It's not like you are not going to take him to summer school. And it's not like you are not going to take him to camp. So, why are you fussing about it. It has to be done and you doing it. You can't help it if you get him to camp late, he already late, camp starts at 8, what you rushing for. You can't help it if you get back to work late, you get an hour, it takes you an hour fifteen to an hour twenty to get back...oh well, it ain't like you just out shooting the bobo..how many times have you stayed late and not billed for it? Stop sweating this small stuff and release.

And that's what I did... I released the fear, the anxiety, the frustration and the anger. I released everything that I could not control and controlled the one thing that I could and well, I haven't been feeling so rushed or funky as of late.

"In Life, there isn't much that I can control, BUT I can Always control the way I respond/react to a situation which will ultimately determine how that situation/experience affects my Life....Seems like Life has everyone in a rat race, with everyone rushing toward the end. Last time I checked, the End promised to everyone was Death, no need for me to be in a hurry to get to that, so I am gonna slow down, and live."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

warning I may double post cuz i have been headblogging for a couple of days...

Thursday's Therapy (2 of 2) ~ Suck It Up

2010-07-04T14:11:00.004-05:00

Life isn't fair.

I know this.

I have known this.....

BUT

I ~~don't~~ cannot accept this.

I cannot accept that unqualified people will always get the promotion that someone else deserves simply because they know the man sitting next to the gosh darn man.

I cannot accept that irresponsible people will always find someone to pick up their slack therefore never being forced to act/be responsible.

I cannot accept that simply because I did not create the problem that the problem is not mine to solve.

So, my sister has had another baby. Her 3rd in two and a half years. It's funny what's important to people when they have their own garbage and mess all locked up in the closet. I say this because when people hear this they always go off on a tangent about birth control. Birth control won't fix her or the problem. My sister needs help. I know this. . Her parents know this. Even Chucky's Bride knows this. It would appear that my sister is the only clueless one. I understand her plight....well, I get it. She is searching for love. For something or someone to love her. I am on that same journey, just a different road.

I knew babies came to be loved, not to love. This is why Chucky's only living siblings are on his paternal side. This single parent stuff is for the birds. Believe that. I mean I have seen people who make it look easy, especially when they pulling in the big dough and got an army ready to support them, standing behind them. I'm not sure who my sister has outside of her mother.

I'm not sure who I have. I'm not sure what I would do in her situation. I'm not sure of a lot of things right now. But, I do know this. I have to keep this baby, even though deep down I don't want to. I have to break the circle or at least make an attempt. I have to stand up to my family's demons. I have to affect the change I wanted to see when I was growing up a motherless, fatherless child.

So since I received that text that stated 'bad news, you gonna have to keep her til December' I have been pouting and stomping my feet. Shouting what about me? What about what I want? What about what I want to do? What about all my plans I have made since your last text that you were getting her June 19th and keeping her? What about...

Yeah, it's not about what I want, it's about what I need to do...

Farewell Never Neverland.

"Life isn't fair. Many times on this journey we will find out that the choices we have to make are not necessarily the choices we want to make, they are simply the ones we need to make. Life comes at you fast, make sure you react accordingly."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Thursday Therapy (part 1) ~ Fill 'er Up

2010-06-30T09:34:00.004-05:00

Running on E... yeah that's an understatement. I think I have been running on E since I was 18. It's been like a ticking bomb that has no timer on it, but you know unless someone deactivates it that it will eventually EXPLODE.

I haven't been on here in a minute blogging or blog-stalking cuz well, mentally I just couldn't do it. And more importantly, physically, I couldn't get on... no bootleg wireless signal to pirate off of...

Kinda like a metaphor for my life right now. I can no longer just get by. I have to live. I have to move with purpose. I can't hope...I have to know. I know this like I know that I am a female. I know this like I know that I need air. I know this...yet I am still pussyfooting around.

People looking from the outside in, would say that I am being too hard on myself..that I have a lot to show for someone who has been just chilling in Never Neverland the past decade...well, I may have a lot to show in comparison to others who were never on my level...but comparing me to the eagles that I have always flown with, I am about to be downgraded to pigeon status.

So, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster...when it rains, it tsunami in my world. Imma talk about that in Part 2 cuz I don't want to turn this into a mini dissertation. But I will say that I have seen my growth. So I know that I am not just blogging about it and not being about it. I am honestly affecting change in my life. Yay me! (somebody's got to cheer me on)

So I have been boohooing all over the place as of late. I went from not being able to shed a tear to just randomly crying...for no apparent reason, at any given moment. Yeah, I am an emotional wreck. So, I reached out to CQP and well as always, we went back and forth and came up with nothing (he's really getting better...yup, i'm making everyone grow ;} ) So he told me that I needed to come up with a list or something, cuz you know at some point all I here is blah, blah, blah, of things that feed me or fill me up emotionally because I was running on E emotionally, duh, that's what I told him when I called him. He told me that I had to find things other than people and well....I am stomped.

I get off on helping people. I have since I was a little girl. It gives me such a feeling of gratification of being able to help someone, no strings attached. Since I was little, I always said that I would never want anyone to feel the way I felt growing up. It's such a lonely feeling feeling like you are alone or invisible in such an overcrowded world. So helping people makes me feel like I am getting a promise to myself.

Sex...I used to hate it...but know that I have figured out what I need to do for me to make sure I get what I need...I LOVE IT...but, that shop is closed...boarded up....so even though that used to feed me emotionally, um it is no longer an option.

Writing and reading feeds me emotionally, but when I am acting like Ms. Waterworks, I do not have the ability to read or write.

Hanging out with real people feeds me and fills me up. It's nothing like chilling with a bunch of non-funny acting people who just want to have good old-fashion fun. Want to watch a movie and laugh, ride coasters and get their scream on, hit the rink and laugh at finding out that everything is not just like riding a bike, or just sitting and having an honest conversation about whatever and knowing that the next day no one is going to think any differently or any less of you. But this includes people...so I am back to square one...stumped.

What feeds you emotionally when you are drained...fills you up when you have nothing else to give?

"Ready for my forever, but still sorting out my 'right now' so it doesn't affect my happily ever after."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

If You Ask Me I'm.....

2010-06-05T19:54:00.002-05:00

ALMOST ready.

Yup, not quite ready yet, but I am more ready than I have been in a very long time. But, I am still not fine tuned and I ain't afraid to say that I am not courting material just yet. I still need to work on me... AND that's what Luv's going to continue to do.

I want love so bad that I can taste it in my loins...it keeps me up nights sweating, crying and longing. I can feel it cover me, embrace me, caress me....

But, I still don't quite see it, clearly. It is still a haze. I am still undecided about some things and well, when I take that walk down that aisle, I don't want my train to be hiding my baggage that I am dragging behind me. I want to be free as a bird from majority, if not all of the things that have caged me.

I am still not the me that I say I am..and until then, I can not be the me that I need to be for me or for anyone else. But, I am getting better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say. There is less double talk, even to the people that matter the least. I used to give you as much hot air that I could fill your head with, just enough for you to walk away thinking you knew it all when you really knew nothing.

I am speaking my mind with no apologies..unfiltered but not brash. There was a time when I went for the finishing move right off the break. You would send the lobby and I would slam it back to you daring you to hit it back. I was ruthless...I was cold...I was guarded...I was who I needed to be at the time to survive.

I don't need to be her any more. I don't want to be her any more. There is so much more to me than that and the more I love myself the more I know that more changes are necessary in order for me to fully transform.

Not just letting go and letting God. Just letting go period. Letting go of the insecurities that are often self-imposed then superimposed on someone else's opinion of me.

I used to cyberstalk my HIM's page....ain't ashamed..made it easier for me to start catching him in his lies. And believe me there were lies...lots of them. And he still lies but, I have less of a need to prove he is lying, now. It doesn't even matter. He doesn't even matter. I matter. I know that he played me and well I can't change it, so why be ashamed of it. I loved me some him and he, well he loved that I loved me some him and then became frightened by my love because he wasn't in a place to receive it, and he played my face, trying to force my hand to leave.

Relationships are never about the other person. It's always about you and what you need to do to get to a point where you can live with yourself. And right now, I am still easily frustrated when talking to SupaDave and to the others. So this lets me know there are still things I need to come to grips with about myself. And well before this news would depress me...me thinking there is always something and that I ain't never going to get right...but now I embrace it, and welcome it because I can definitely see my growth. I see and feel the love as I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how sexy and beautiful I am.

So, I am still trying on new skins..trying to find that close to perfect fit...and once I find it, I know that I will be ready to receive what God has in store for me. And trust, he won't have to ask me if I am ready...it'll be written all over my face.

"Self love is amazing. The more you love yourself, the more you will remove yourself from people, things and places that are counter-productive to where you need to be. Discoverying who I am has turned out to be a pleasant journey."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Staying in the Moment

2010-05-27T14:25:00.003-05:00

Is "Worthy" advice but it's oh, so hard. It seems that life's lessons in love, finances, relationships...etc... always has us looking over our shoulders and wondering: If the grass ain't greener on the other side, why does it look so from my side of the fence. And if he wasn't right for me, why did it feel oh, so good? And if He won't give me more than I can bear, does He have to wait until I am right at that point before He says, 'Enuf?'

I am guilty of longing for the things of the Past, even though they weren't good for me when they were things of my Present, so I know that they shole as heck won't be good for me in my Future, yet, I still long.

I long for my childhood even though it wasn't much of one. I mean if I could do it all over again, I shouldn't because my childhood damaged me beyond compare. But, it's the only one I will ever have so what's a girl to do?

I long for Supa Dave even though in the end he wasn't so super at all. As a matter of fact, outside of the sex, where I did most of the work, it wasn't anything really super about him. I mean he played with my heart and emotions and took for granted my affection. I gave him the best part of me, the only part left that was capable of giving and receiving any type of affection and he took it and discarded it like it was 3 day old stale bread. It wasn't until I read his "friend's" blog that I realized this fool probably got some sick sort of joy from preying on females who had been beaten down by life and were just looking for someone to love them. And even though once the butterflies had left my stomach and my feet were firmly planted on solid ground instead of the clouds, and I could see clearly that I was in love with the man he could be and not the little boy he was, I still wanted to be wrong. I still wanted his love even though I knew his type of love wasn't the love I really wanted and it surely wasn't the love that I needed.

I long for old situations and opportunities...things that could never again be. I sit and contemplate how different my life would be if I shouldda, couldda, wouldda... not realizing that each and every time I do this, I am wasting more of my precious time and missing out on more of my present situations and opportunities. Each day is a blessing waiting to happen.

I know this. My mind knows this, but my heart...... it's stubborn sometimes. Sometimes my heart can't see the possibilities of tomorrow because it's still trying to get over the pain of yesterday. But I am resolved to learn to cut my loses and focus on my winnings, especially since lately I have been getting the house's share.

I am truly enjoying life even in the midst of turmoil. I am loving myself, the good, the bad, and all that falls in-between. This new path of life kinda mirrors my journey with my hair..some of my hair is sprouting out of control without much work needed on my part, other parts are growing but I have to help it along, and then there is a part that I really gots to roll up my sleeves and tend to because it's stubborn and wants to do what it wants to do, and right now it just wants to sit there and not grow.

So, I guess I am really going to have to work on staying in the moment... Staying in the Present so that when I get to my Future which will then be my Present, that I am still not looking back at my new Past saying I shoudda, couldda, wouldda.

"The very things that I am praying for relief from, I am holding on to, then questioning whether He is hearing me. Sometimes it's so hard for me to let go of Yesterday so that I can fully see what Today is bringing so that I can fully appreciate the blessings in store for me Tomorrow. But I have to, NO, I need to because GREATNESS awaits me...and you to."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

2010-05-24T14:06:00.008-05:00

In the eyes, ears and even in the crack of his behind if I have to!

And it ain't just because I don't trust people.

People may have good intentions but there is almost always a hidden agenda or bad motive behind it or mixed up in there some where. Trust me. Luv knows about these things.

So, I was going back and forth about whether I was going to blog about this ...but then something happened the other day to set me off and well, so here we are.

I don't do "therapy" any more because the Crime Victim's Unit does not pay any more for me to go but it still pays for Chucky. So CQP had told me from jump street not to worry about the money because if I still needed to see him after the money ran out that he would still see me that we would work something out because he believes in helping people ...blah blah blah. Yeah sounds good. Let's fast forward to the money well being dry... um, yeah he will still text me, and talk to me on the phone and see me, but I now gots to hear "you know I ain't being paid for this" or "I go over and beyond my call of duty for you" and GRANTED all of what is being said is true, but who cares. Who wants to hear that..you knew I was poor when you met me. So, unless I can pay his fee, I won't see him.

I have an aunt that used to be rich...not sure of what her financial status is now that she is UNEMPLOYED...lmbo, I know I shouldn't be happy but you know what they say, "humble yourself before God humbles you." So anywho, my aunt lives next to R. Kelly. She has this phat house that um well let's see, only she lives in. But, if you ever in town and call months in advance to see if it's okay to stay with her, you will have your pick of the 5 guest rooms. Well, my aunt used to give me expensive gifts until I sent her a 10 page front and back letter the day I graduated from high school. Yes, even as a teenager, I was long-winded. But it wasn't the fact that she used to give me gifts, it was the fact that you had to thank her for these gifts every time you saw her or talked to her. When she came over she used inspect the things she had given me and my siblings, to see how well we were taking care of our things. Any time she would ask you to do something, she would rattle off everything she had ever done or given you...and be serious about it. And well, I don't know if you have picked up on this or not but:

I DO NOT JUMP JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY JUMP AND I SHO'LL AIN'T FEENA ASK HOW HIGH and you can take that to the bank.

I watched as my aunt used to buy my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles and my mom. I'm sorry, my dignity wasn't for sell..not then and not now. So when my aunt told me that she would help with my college expenses if I x,y,z for her the next four years. I told her in a lot of words that she could kiss my black behind because unlike the other people in our family that she was buying, I was going somewhere and was going to get there with or without her.

When my father told me that he would help me get a car so I could get Chucky off the bus but that I would have to get this kinda car and call him at least once a week. I told him to take his money and shove it because if I had to walk until my feet fell off, that is what I was going to do before I have someone in another state dictate who I was going to call and what I was going to drive.

And now I have my other aunt trying to say that because she has watched Chucky a time or two that I need to go get her granddaughter and take her places with me. You say what? Lawd, father, please be with me because the one that will suffer in this situation is my funny looking cousin and not her my aunt, her grandmother.

People that know me, know that I will not ask for anything unless I absolutely without a doubt need it. That I definitely ain't running around trying to ask peeps to watch Chucky or C'sB. This year is probably the most I have been away from my child since he has been born. But he is about to be 7 going on 75..he pretty much watches himself.

Now I don't have a problem with saying thank you. I have been sending "surprise" thank yous this past month to peeps in my life that have really held me down. I sent my ICE a fruit basket with no return address or name attached to the card. You know how he figured out it was me? He said, "You are the only person I know that will give a gift and don't want to be thanked for it..everyone else wants you to know it was from them." I also don't mind getting peeps kids that get mine. Ask my Jill Scott. Cuz I can't take Fric anywhere without Frac. You just ain't gonna throw it in my face, especially when you ORIGINALLY supposedly did it because you wanted to help me out.

Yeah, never been a big fan of those TROJAN horses.

"Everything that glitters ain't gold and everything that says 'free' ain't free. Granted, we sell off a piece of ourselves everyday...but how many of us are willing to sell our souls for wooden nickels? Remember, the best gift is one that you forget that you gave."

~ Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

2010-05-19T20:43:00.002-05:00

But that's exactly what I have to do if I want to get that good life I have always dreamed for myself and never shared.

It's funny how much our thoughts and other people's thoughts can have a hold on us. A hold so tight that it will stop us from growing and achieving our goals.

Well, Luv has tried pleasing everyone else in life and for those of you who know me, you know the GOOD LIFE has eluded me. That thing has stepped over me like I was some doodoo on the street.

Well, now I am about to chase it with everything I have left. I owe it to myself ..I worked hard for it and I am letting other people enjoy the fruits of my hard labor. Well, honey, Luv is here to tell yah that madness has come to a screeching halt! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, as a matter of fact if you owe me money, it's time for you to pay up. I think about all the days I have sat over here with no money in my pockets simply because I was too embarrassed to go ask somebody for money back that belonged to me. Not any more. I'm about to turn bill collector on these mugs.

I want a house with a nice, big backyard. I want a fence; it doesn't have to be a picket fence but a fence nonetheless cuz if your animal comes into my yard and does his business or messes with my garden, there will be a huge misunderstanding ending with your animal eating something from my yard that will make it sick. (i'm just saying, you have been warned) I want a dog but it will have to live outside...I ain't too fond of people smells let alone animals. I want a husband. Yup, I said it. I want me a man that will love me so hard and so deeply that I will forget that I was ever mistreated and unloved. I want another child...a less emotional one. I want to be financially stable if not secure.

And you know what?

I'm gonna get all those things and more..

"So many times in life we make ourselves uncomfortable in order to make someone else feel comfortable. We do more for others than we do for ourselves. We miss out on our dreams while helping someone else make their dream a reality. I am learning that before I can care about anyone or anything else, I have to make sure I am a priority in my own life because that's the only way someone else will make me a priority in theirs."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

ALL I Have Ever Wanted....

2010-05-13T23:30:00.006-05:00

For as long as I can remember......

I just wanted someone who was going to be there for me.
Who was going to cherish me and want me.
Who wasn't going to abuse me, mistreat me or harm me in any way.

10 years ago today, I went to the hospital...
Hoping, begging, praying that the fate that befell your brother wouldn't be your fate, too.
Here was my chance to love something, genuinely....and hopefully, in due time,
Get that love back in return.

We won the battle that day but lost the war the very next.....

And since then there has been an indescribable void in my life and I really didn't know what it was. I just went on with my day to day activities as if everything was okay. Stuffing my feelings and my thoughts to make everyone around me feel comfortable. Hell, to make me feel comfortable.

It wasn't until that day I was driving, late at night from ??? I don't remember, but probably doing something to distract me from taking care of the real problem at hand: me and my issues. I was listening to the radio and this song came on and it punched me in my gut. I started sobbing like I had just gotten news that my best friend had died. I had to pull over...I couldn't see through my tears. It took me a minute to realize that it had started to rain. I sat there in my dark car on the side of a dark road, listening to my sobs and the pelt of the rain against my windshield and to the lyrics of this song.....

I had never been moved like that by a song without already being in the moment. It was like my body was telling me, "Luv, we dying...yah gotta find love and quick cuz we about to flatline." And that's what I did. I found some quick love that proved not to be the love I wanted or needed. Yeah he loved making love to me and saying he loved me, but when it really counted, he left me standing in my usual position: ALONE. He wasn't at my graduation party for me to show off like a fur coat. He wasn't there helping me study for the bar or help me navigate through the pressures of the test. He wasn't there when I had to watch my cousin die from breast cancer. He wasn't there when that dude ran the light and crashed my car and almost took my life. He wasn't there when that little boy assaulted my child and flipped our worlds upside down...But he surely was there for the inbetween trying and often getting that good, good loving.

I started the internal process of letting HIM go and choosing to 'be loved' by me even if no one else would, simultaneously. I don't remember what I was doing. I just know I was tired of feeling below the ground. I remember I had untied the knot at the end of my rope and was sliding down. I remember turning on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts that were crowding my head. I remember hearing this song and wondering how someone could know what I felt deep inside. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I phoned my PIC and asked her to google the song and listen to the lyrics and see if she thought it was talking about me... She listened and she started calling out things in my life that had a hold on me, that had damaged me, distorted my view, and was choking the very life out of me...the very same things that had popped in my head when I heard the song and I knew right then, there was hope for me.

So I went ahead and took that first step...

And I have been walking ever since.......

"Today my soul opened up and I cried for that little girl trapped inside of me. I cried for all of the people that have hurt me. I cried for all the people that could not and did not love me. I cried for all the years I have squandered living in shame. I cried for my future that is waiting to be written. I cried because I no longer have to imagine being loved because I am...I prove it to myself everyday. "

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

Leaps And Bounds

2010-05-05T20:30:00.002-05:00

I have been jumping over hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and well some of them I have had to just knock down and step over.

It is what it is at the end of the day. It doesn't really matter how I get over them as long as I GET OVER IT.

And I have gotten over a lot of things. Like Safeway or SupaD as he likes to be called. I finally realized that I was in love with the possibility of who he could be and not with who he was and once I came to terms with that he may never realize his full potential, I kicked him to the curb. We still chat it up but it ain't like it used to be. I see his mouth moving but I don't hear a thang.

I have made great leaps with loving myself. Luv is truly in love with Luv and I think it shows. I am taking better care of myself. I am eating better. No more 2 and 3 hot fudge brownie sundaes a day. I have started eating salads for lunch and fruits for breakfast, unless OTIS is coming then all bets are off, I am trying to eat up everything in my house and your house too. I am courting myself trying to see what they things are that I am attracted to and what things about me turn me off. Yup, getting myself tight for my Mr. Right. Cuz, my Mr. Right bet not be your Mr. Right cuz my sharing days are long gone.

I have managed a household of 3 with very limited funds and not stressed too much about it. I am learning to rely upon Jah and leave doubt on the wayside. It has been a very challenging walk for me. I have gotten caught up on this hurdle a time or two. I want to do things my way, but I am learning that if I want to prosper I gots to get out of my own way.

Chucky is finally recovering from his Sept 4th incident. And that in itself gives me reason to smile.

I have been identifying things that I want to improve in my life and/or change and the qualities I need in a mate.

I need to be more patient and open to having someone assist me. But just in case this never happens, I need a patient, understanding, long-suffering man. I need someone who can look through my hard outer core and see down to the pits of my soul and know without a doubt that I love him even if I can't show it. To know that I have been hurt on so many occasions that I activated every safety precaution available to me.

I need to learn to listen and trust that the one speaking will not try and sell me a wooden nickle. I don't mind riding shotgun if I know I have a skilled driver behind the wheel. I need someone who will not lead us into destruction . I need someone who will speak lovingly to me, even when I am being a butt.

I need to show emotion in the instance that I am feeling that emotion. I have to open the gate sometimes before my visitors stop stopping by. I have to relinquish some control and let nature take it's course. I need a man who also will let me know without a doubt that I am his everything.

I need to continue working on loving me to the fullest. The more I love myself the more space I open up for others to love me. The more I treat myself good, the more also will follow suit.

I still have some things I cannot get over. Not sure why. It's not too high. Not too low. It's really just right but for some reason I am intimidated by what this leap would mean and so I avoid it hoping it will just up and disappear. I know it won't but there is no harm and wishing.

"Lesson Learned are things we can chalk up to the game. They aren't there to make us feel bad about ourselves but rather to give us a tool to measure how much we have grown. Embrace them, they are apart of you."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I surely do (smooches)

Letting My Hair Down

2010-05-03T21:02:00.008-05:00

I don't do it often...

Actually, I couldn't remember the last time I just let loose, so I am guessing it was long overdue.

I mean I have been going through it, above it, under it and around it. So I figured I could use a little me time and well, I took it. I did something I haven't done in a long time, I treated myself.

That's right you read right, I treated myself to an all expense paid one day getaway. (well something is better than nothing right) I mean if it was just Chucky, I would have went for the weekend, but it's pushing it to ask anybody to watch Chucky's Bride two nights in a row.

I had a longing to see Monica. It's something about her voice, her songs that soothe my soul. I mean she has truly been through a lot and had to go through it while the world was watching and criticizing. Me, I just go through it in the comforts of my home...

So right around the time I was coming to terms that I needed to cry, I decided that I also needed to continue living, and that I needed to make an outward show that I was now living. I remembered that I used to treat myself to concerts all of the time. I was very fortunate to see my all-time favorite artist LUTHA three times. Oh, how I miss him so. I thought it would be fitting for me to see Monica cuz like her, I am Still Standing. Well, she wasn't performing in the DMV and the closest show to me was Atlantic City so I made it up in my mind that I would go. I asked a couple of my girlfriends if they wanted to join me... a few of my sistah friends were going through it too and I figured we would be great company for one another. If not, I would Still Stand by my lonesome.

The fact that I was on a tight budget did not deter me...when had I not been on a tight budget. The fact that I could not find a reasonably priced hotel did not deter me. If I had to sleep in my car, I would get there, I might not smell too nicely but I would be there.

Well, in the end, it all worked itself out. I got a really nice room for really cheap. I was able to implement Ms. Serenity's makeup techniques and enhance my divaness. And Ms. Monica herself (who sang her butt off) tweeted me back on Twitter. (yup, still floating)

So here are some pics of me letting go and letting loose, enjoy:

This dude was trying to push us into the water...I had to let him know that I was from the Chi and I would shank him.

"The more I treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, the more I realize that I am the ultimate prize. No longer checking for peeps who ain't checking for me cuz 'I am too fly for [anyone's] day to day'." (Monica StayGo)

~ gotta luv moi, cuz i surely do (smoooooooooooooches)

Ninjas Please Go Sit Yourself Down Somewhere

2010-04-29T22:49:00.001-05:00

Anywhere but here! Sheesh.

Yes, Ninjette I had your man and he had a baby on you with me, but that's water under the bridge...or it should be cuz I don't want his tired, smelly, broke behind any more. Haven't for a very long time. I think dealing with him for 5 years was long enough for me to realize that I didn't want to spend a lifetime with him let alone another day, hour, or second. Which is why when he told me that he told you that he wanted to leave you for me, I told that Bama that come hell or high water, he bets to make you understand that he was just playing!

You can keep your Dirty man and his cooties!

Now look here Missy, I don't know what that DoubleDeadBeat over there telling you but let me tell you this right here: Please get it twisted and put your hand on my child and you and your can of corn will get dealt with. Who walks around with can goods in their bag just in case they get into a fight? Who does that? Yeah, peeps like you two, who old as the apostles and never grow up.

When I put it all in perspective and measure the amount of crap I have had to deal with in my life, I am astounded at how much drama your man and his family has brought into it. The stuff that I have had to reckon with I thought only happened in movies or on the Maury show. Mybajeezes.

Yeah, your man is also someone else's man, but believe me when I tell you it ain't me. I ain't wanted that Ninja since the day I told him, 4 yrs ago, to get to stepping. To be honest, I didn't want his behind when I had him. But, I loved the attention because I was lonely and going through some things. Trust and believe had I been in my right mind, he would have never gotten to smell my stuff let along stick it. Believe that.

Some mistakes will haunt you like a bad plate of the porky pork. I mean I got with this man literally months after I had lost the twins. Before the rape, I had had 3 sexual partners. After the rape and leading up to the time I hooked up with Dirty I know I had at least 3 more sexual partners (scared to actually calculate the actual number) and had men lining up to get a taste. So me getting with Dirty, even though initially I wasn't feeling him, mainly because one he was married and sleeping with like 3 other people and because he wasn't my type, saved me in a sense. It made me pump my breaks because I was spiraling out of control.

I tolerated him. Even after he stole from me. I tolerated him. Even after all of the lies. I tolerated him. Even after he double crossed me. I tolerate him. Even though he does not contribute to my child's well-being. I tolerate him. Because my child loves him, even though he thinks he is his "grandpa". I tolerate him. Even though he fills my child's head up with lies and make plans that he does not intend to execute. I tolerate him. Even though he ain't worth the sperm his daddy used to create him.

I must warn you, my tolerance is running thin. If you have a problem with me, have it with me. My child is here and he ain't going no where. If your man has a problem with dealing with your issues with the fact that my child is here and how he got here, that is for you and your man to work out. That Ninja should have thought about all that when we planned to have this baby. Yes, Ninjette I said planned. And had I known that he was allowing you to abuse his other kids to keep the peace with you, that blueprint would have been torched. Talking about he wanted to give me a baby to make me happy again, and I ain't seen happiness since.

So, I am telling you Ninjas and the Devil to go sit yall raggedy tails down. I ain't got time for yall smallness. My child and I got places to see and things to do and when we are done doing us, I am 99.9% sure you will still be doing the same thing: NOTHING

Kick Rocks Ninjas, you are and always will be, the weakest, whackest, brokest link.

"Roadblocks come in all shapes, sizes and forms. They are designed to distract you from your ultimate goal. Learn to recognize and understand that small minded people a.k.a. haters never want to see you happy, never want to see you get ahead, even if you been down and out for a long while. The hater circuit is just like the groupie circuit, word gets around when you about to make big moves. And yes, it ain't nothing but the Devil. Now that you know, regroup, adjust and keep it moving!"

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (smooches)

The Bare, Naked Truth

2010-04-28T13:24:00.008-05:00

Being vulnerable isn't one of my strong points.

If I could have any super power that I wanted, I think I would ask for invincibility just so that I would never have to be vulnerable...EVER AGAIN!

I didn't always used to be this way...I didn't, you can ask my ICE. He just said to me the other day:

"What happened...you weren't always like this...I just don't understand."

Yes, I used to be sure about my decisions and about myself and about my value. I used to have haters galore.

It happened 10 years ago this time. Them babies. That entire ordeal. It just took everything good that I had left in me. It killed my spirit. It shattered my already broken foundation. It altered my reality...it damaged me beyond compare.

It is what it is. I do not try and make excuses for it. I do not try and burden people with my sorrow or my problems. I do not try and let people know how badly I am really hurting. But I will try and explain the method to my madness and rehash why that was the straw that broke Luv's back.

Yes, I had a horrific childhood. I know this and I had accepted this BUT what I didn't accept at the time was that I was unworthy of being loved and incapable of giving and receiving it. I had determined that my parents were too screwed up to effectively love anything else because they didn't even love themselves. I had determined this at the age of 7.

I don't drink because I don't think I would stop because quiet as it is kept, my father is/was an alcoholic. Not too sure what he is now because I ain't checking for him. I know the power of genetics. I know how much environment over nature can influence a person. I understood the dynamics of this probably by the age of 8.

I say all of this to say that I was very skilled at identifying the situations around me for what they were, processing them, and discarding them in such a fashion that they did not damage me...did not take away from my emotional cup.

I remember almost everything about my childhood, but this one incident stands out to me because it has always puzzled me why I held on to this memory...why it bothered me so. I was in first grade. My mother and father were going through one of their violent spells. My father tried to smash my mother's head in. My mother left. She eventually came back to get us. We were hiding out in my aunt's apartment. I remember that on most occasions that someone else would come pick us up from school because I don't think my mother wanted to chance meeting up with my father and they got to humbugging out in front of the school. But on this particular occasion, she got us herself. I remember we stopped at this grocery store where we ran into my 1st grade teacher. I remember my mother feeling some kinda way about running into my teacher. I don't know if it was because she was white or if it was because we stated we were going home and she made mention that she thought we lived elsewhere. I remember Ms. Lovely looking at my mother and patting her and telling her that if she needed anything...any type of assistance to just let her know. I remember my mother mumbling as we were getting into the car that we couldn't stop at that grocery any more on the way from school.

I think in that instance I learned that no matter what, you never let anyone know how bad it really is.

Fast forward: So, up until the incident with my twins, I had seen and learned a lot of dysfunction; but, I was able to insulate myself from its brunt force by believing that I could rise above the madness. That I could escape, scratchfree. I believed that once I got away from my parents and that environment that I would be okay. That people would instantly love me. That I would prove that I could and would be different. That I would love myself. (and I did) And most importantly that I would love my kids...but the powers that be were telling me that I wouldn't be able to have kids...so, I would just adopt...no need or time to cry about something I couldn't control I needed to keep that forward momentum.

I allowed this dude who I knew was sweet on me to come visit. He had been sweet on me for a long minute. When I was 16, I used to feel him undress me with his eyes. He was like 29. He didn't phase me, I was going to marry Michael Jordan. I had no time for little people. So, anyways, this dude had caught up with me on one of my many trips home and asked if he could stay with me if he came to visit the nation's capital. Yeah, why not? I had had plenty of dudes stay with me and nothing happen. There was no need for alarm, right? Plus, I wasn't 16 any more. I wish I could say that I didn't have any reservations, but I did. So much so that it prompted me to call this dude and ask what his intentions were, explaining that if he thought he was gonna get some, he should cancel his tix could he was gonna be severely disappointed. I told him that I didn't like him like that and that I was a virgin, saving it for my husband(I had been celibate for 2 1/2 years but he didn't need to know that). So he comes and the first night everything is cool. The second night he rapes me. I confide in some people and then try to push on. I didn't want people worrying about me and I partly blamed myself. I had doubts, I should have told him he couldn't come. Yes, no means no, but still....

Shortly thereafter, I found out I was pregnant with twins. I was soooooooooooooo excited. I charted and plotted everything about them. I was so in love. My pregnancy was very difficult. I found out that there are a lot of ignorant people in this world disguising themselves as intelligent people. While I was fighting for my babies lives, there were people praying that I would lose them since I wouldn't abort them because I must be out of my mind to want to have a rapist baby. (Funny, cuz I only looked at them as being MY BABIES) See, them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could love. Them babies were my chance to prove to myself that I could be loved. Them babies were my chance to start my own family and break the cycle. To show that God hadn't forgotten about me and that He would allow some sunshine to shine on me...when them babies died it was like someone had turned out the lights.

When my babies died, I was lost. I didn't know what to hold on to as truth. I knew God could not try me with anything evil because HE is pure. But, I couldn't figure out why He allowed me to go through something so awful after all I had been through in life. I couldn't understand why He thought I could go through something so heinous, and all alone. I couldn't understand why everyone wanted to hurt me, when all I wanted out of life was to be happy. To love and to be loved. I couldn't understand why I was constantly turning the other cheek just to be crapped on again and again. So, as the days turned into months, I stopped talking to people. I just wanted to be left alone. If I was by myself, the only one who could treat me badly would be me. And being alone all the time, I started allowing the negativity that had been chasing me for so long to catch up with me. Then I stared listening to it, digesting it, and before long, I was believing and living it.

See, it's hard to make a person understand what I was before because a lot of them only can see what's in front of them. I am just a fraction of what I used to be. I mean, I was so fierce, I used to hate on myself. (smile) I used to travel on a shoestring budget. I used to give gifts straight from the heart. I used to have fun and really lived the mantra that what you thought of me was none of my business. I used to do so many things and I still can, and I will, it's just..

I see the way you look at me, I see the pity in your eyes, you feel sorry for me...for what? my story is not that different from someone else. We all go through our trials and tribulations. We all have to carry our own torture stake. I can't take your help because it comes with strings attached. I can't take your help because you don't really see me. You see this shell of me that stands before you, you don't see the me I used to be or the me that I am going to be. You don't see that you have yet to make me feel human, to make me feel connected.

I am vulnerable with my Ice because he knows my story. He does not pity me. He does not patronize me. He gives it to me straight, no chaser. He has seen what I can do. He believes in me. He loves me. He connects with me, letting me know he knows I am human.

"It's something about the human touch that can make a person feel safe, it's something about a smile that can lift the heaviest of spirits, it's something about tears that can cleanse the soul, it's something about letting go that will push us into the future."

~Gotta Luv Moi, Cuz I Surely Do (Smooches)